April 09, 2015
Saudi Fatwa: Eating Wife Is Halal
Saudi Arabia's highest religious authority has issued a fatwa allowing a starving man to eat his wife in order to save himself, causing a stir among the Kingdom's residents, London-based daily al-Quds al-Arabi reported.
Grand Mufti Sheikh Abdul Aziz Al-Sheikh, according to the report, said that the act would display the wife's obedience to her husband and her willingness to become one with his flesh. [...]
Following the report Saudi media accused Iranian media of fabricating the fatwa, noting that the fatwa was not on the official's website.
The only thing that really surprises me is that they are blaming the Iranian media. That's a refreshing change from the usual of blaming the Jews.
It should be noted that Sheikh Abdul Aziz Al-Sheikh is a moderate Muslim. Last year, he denounced ISIS as un-Islamic. So, implementing strict sharia (similar to Saudi Arabia's own state laws) as ISIS does = haram. Eating your wife = halal.
March 26, 2015
House Democrat: Global Warming Could Drive More Women To Prostitution
Yeah, I've got nothing...
A senior House Democrat has once again issued an apocalyptic warning that climate change will hit women harder than men, and that it could drive millions of poor women to engage in "transactional sex" in order to provide food and water for their families.
Rep. Barbara Lee (D-Calif.) proposed a resolution on Wednesday that said as the climate changes, it will cause food and water scarcity around the world. That will create pressures on poor women in particular, since they are often charged with growing food and collecting water for their families.
February 13, 2015
Biden Gives A Shout-Out To "An Old, Butt Buddy"
This is what happens when old people try to be hip.
January 27, 2015
Miss USA Has A Message For "Global Terrorists"
"If you were given 30 seconds to deliver a message to global terrorists, what would you say?" world champion boxer and Miss Universe judge Manny Pacquiao asked Sanchez.
Sanchez replied: "OK, if I was given 30 seconds to give a message to the global terrorists, is that what you said? OK. I would just say, 'I know as Miss USA, I can always spread a message of hope and love and peace,' and I would do my very best to spread that message to them and everyone else in the world."
I wonder... would they give her those 30 seconds to spread her message before they stoned her to death, or would she have to fit it in during the stoning?
September 23, 2014
Recuperating after this horrific road rage beat-down.
September 14, 2014
That Awkward Moment The President Of The United States Pretends To Be An ISIS Advisor
He would be a kinder, gentler terrorist who frees captives to make a point...
That awkward moment when the President of the United States pretends he's an ISIS terrorist. pic.twitter.com/XHGBkscBSE— S.M (@redsteeze) September 14, 2014
(Hat Tip: Weasel Zippers)
September 12, 2014
POTUS & FLOTUS: Heh, Let's Honor 9/11 Victims By Partnering With KaBOOM! On This Day Of Service
Rev God Damn America Wright, what say you?
Seriously, no words.
September 04, 2014
World's First Openly Straight Male Figure Skater to Join US Olympic Team
From The Daily Caller:
After his strong showing at the 2014 Prudential U.S. Figure Skating Championships in January, figure-skating sensation Nathan Tom has signed with the Team USA Olympic practice squad.
Tom has unequivocally stated that his goal is to become the first openly straight male figure skater in U.S. Olympic history.
Tom, a 25-year-old former U.S. Army tank commander from Provo, Utah, will join Team USA's 10-skater Olympic practice squad on Friday, according to U.S. Figure Skating Executive Director Joan Chong.
"I'm excited to be headed to the practice squad and it's just great to keep skating," Tom said. "Since I quit my job as a lumberjack, everything has been crazy. It's awesome, though. I just want to skate as long as I can."
A fellow member of the Team USA Olympic practice squad, Chett Branson, said he believes Tom will fit in with no problems.
"Everybody on this squad is like a family," Branson said. "We drink wine together. We see musical theater together. No one is going to criticize a teammate because of his sexual orientation. If he can help us bring home the gold in 2018, then I am eager to skate right beside him."
August 22, 2014
ISIS: Take Your Little Mujahid To Work Day
August 11, 2014
A Few Racist Words From The Jawa Report
For best garden results, you need to properly aerate the soil. This will help oxygen reach the plant roots. Proper aeration, soil purity and drainage are key to a successful garden.
You can aerate using various methods. Natural methods include earthworms and other soil dwelling insects that will burrow under the soil (their waste will also contribute to the organic matter and add nutrients.) Aeration tools are available to physical aerate the soil yourself. They can be spiked, twisted, or rotary.
Whichever method you choose, your garden will benefit immensely.
More at Legal Insurrection.
July 29, 2014
Priest Receives Text Messages From Satan After Failed Exorcist
When was the last time God sent anyone a text message? Just sayin'...
From the Daily Mail:
A Polish priest who carried out an exorcism on a teenage girl now claims he is being contacted by Satan - via text message.
Father Marian Rajchel from Jaroslaw, south-eastern Poland, said he started receiving the hate messages after failing to drive the devil out of her soul.
Now he believes that the demon is using the possessed teenager to attack him through a mobile phone.
June 06, 2014
France Commemorates D-Day With Slo-Motion Interpretive Dance
It was a truly WTF moment...
A month which debuted with the exposure of the system-wide effort to deny veterans medical care built to a climax with the White House erecting a conveniently epic fiction around an alleged deserter. When that soldier's platoon-mates objected to their commander-in-chief insisting this man who shirked his duty was a hero, they saw their characters maligned and integrity attacked. But the drama's denouement was reached on Friday when, celebrating the 70th anniversary of the invasion of Normandy, we commemorated the sacrifice of tens of thousands with a belittling dance. [...]
[T]he final act in this disgraceful production commenced on Friday when a number of world leaders gathered on the beaches of France to commemorate the 70th anniversary of the beginning of the end of World War II. There, the blood of tens of thousands of young Allied men was remembered in interpretive dance.
Watch if you can:
Zoo Tranquilizes Man In Gorilla Suit
From The Telegraph:
Frantic zoo keepers in Tenerife rushed to call an ambulance after a vet shot a tranquilliser dart at a man dressed as a gorilla.
Police on the Spanish island received a call from a panicked member of the public, who said that a gorilla had escaped from its pen in Loro Park zoo, and was seen running around the theme park. [...]
But to his horror, the vet - who had only been in the job for two months - realised that the creature was in fact an employee of the zoo, dressed in a gorilla suit, who was staging a mock escape to practise their emergency routines.
This incident brings to mind another case of mistaken identity where officials in a Japanese Zoo trapped and tranquilized an escaped zebra. Turns out, the "zebra" was a man in costume. That scene was caught on video:
June 03, 2014
Elephant Takes A Selfie
From The Daily Mail:
Park visitor Scott Brierley, 23, was taking 'selfies', in the drive through elephant enclosure, when he dropped his phone and the keepers ordered him to stay in his car and keep moving.
Staff later retrieved the device and Scott, an events manager from Birmingham, was stunned to see 22-year-old African elephant Latabe had touched the screen with her trunk - and taken a picture of herself.
May 24, 2014
The Horror! Leftists Outraged As SC University Replaces Gender Studies With Founding Documents Center
Leftist students, faculty, and alumni the University of South Carolina Upstate (USCU) are outraged over the university's decision to drop a gender studies center that teaches, among other things, how to become a lesbian in 10 days, in favor of a Constitutional law center.
Not only is it un-American and Taliban-like to change the center, leftists are claiming, but founding documents are not relevant in the real world. However, learning how to become a lesbian in under two weeks apparently is.
Read about it HERE.
Creepy Guy Who Can't Get Girls Goes On Shooting Rampage
Police believe the person in this video is responsible for the deaths of six in UC Santa Barbara:
A gunman in a black BMW opened fire on crowds of people Friday night in a Southern California seaside town near UC Santa Barbara, killing six people and injuring seven others in what investigators described as a "mass murder" rampage. [...]
Witnesses who spoke with NBC4 identified the gunman as Elliot Rodger. Sheriff's department personnel are investigating a video in which a man identified as Rodger details plans for "retribution" and "revenge against humanity" prior to the shooting.
He was a spoiled, Hollywood kid who thought college was about sex and parties.
May 20, 2014
We were wondering where he got all those $20 dollar bills...
Lonnie Hutton, 49, was collared at The Boro Bar and Grill, the Murfreesboro watering hole where he allegedly sought to make a 9 PM deposit.
According to a Murfreesboro Police Department report, an officer was dispatched to the bar, where a witness said that Hutton walked to the ATM and "pulled down his pants and underwear exposing his genitals." Officer M. Rickard added, "Mr. Hutton then attempted to have sexual intercourse with the ATM." [...]
Hutton was subsequently escorted from the bar and "told to sit at a wooden picnic table." But once outside the bar, Hutton allegedly "again exposed himself again and engaged in sexual intercourse with the wooden picnic table."
May 09, 2014
Nothing makes me more ashamed of being white than watching a bunch of pansy-assed, effeminate, crybabies calling themselves "men" while apologizing for the color of their skin.
May 03, 2014
Gather Ye Rosebuds While Ye May
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today
Tomorrow will be dying.
Rice is one of the most intelligent people on earth. That the students at this university would prefer the likes of Snooki over Rice says much about the future we face.
May 01, 2014
Pop A What?
Since April 14th, Ottawa Police had been receiving reports of a balding white male exposing himself at Mooney's Bay Park, a Rideau River park just north of the Ottawa International Airport. [...]
Officers in the area were dispatched to the park, where they arrested Donald Popadick, 62. Charged with Indecent Act and Mischief, he is due for a Wednesday court appearance. (Source)
Sgt. Iain Pidcock of the Ottawa Police announced the arrest on twitter.
April 11, 2014
Obama: History Travels Forwards, Backwards, And Sideways...
It's more something I would have expected from Biden...
Sideways must be Obama's alternate world where Obamacare is popular.
April 10, 2014
New Zealand Claims Yet Another Celebrity Life
This time, it is The Rock. He fell to his death in New Zealand. RIP.
New Zealand is a very dangerous place for celebrities. Others who have died falling in New Zealand in recent months:
Okay, this guy apparently really fell to his death in New Zealand, but he wasn't a celebrity:
TJR Common Core Math Lesson
The problem: Make a 10 in order to solve for 13 minus 7.
Here's my take: 13 - 7, change the 13 to 10 then subtract 3 and then pull a 4 out of your ass and subtract that. Show your hidden partners on your fingers to an adult. Miraculously, that will result in 13! Then you just have to subtract 3 again, which results in the original 10, and then subtract 4 to get your answer -- 6.
You didn't think it would be as simple as subtracting 7 from 13, did you? Ridiculous!
April 07, 2014
Where's Rusty? Man Sacrifices Penis For Riches
We all know you can't have one with the other...
Man in Malawi lost his penis and three toes to a hyena in the bush after he was dished out instructions which he followed accordingly. [...]
The money crazed man was quoted in the Times of Zambia, saying, "I came from Malawi and when I arrived in Chipata I met some business persons who told me that the best way to become rich was to sacrifice parts of my body." (Source)
February 20, 2014
Because A Cow This Good, You Don't Eat All At Once!
January 29, 2014
Where Are Rusty's Students?
As we all know, Rusty is an academic meathead. Here are the fruits of his labor.
January 24, 2014
North Korea Lands Man On Sun
North Korea is hailing this as one of the greatest human achievements of all time:
North Korea has landed a man on the Sun. 17-year-old Hung Il Gong started his journey at 3am this morning, travelling alone, to reach our nearest star, a journey that took him just 4 hours.
A North Korean central news anchorman said during a live broadcast: "We are very delighted to announce a successful mission to put a man on the sun. North Korea has beaten every other country in the world to the sun. Hung Il Gong is a hero and deserves a hero's welcome when he returns home later this evening".
In case you are wondering how he managed to land on sun without burning to death - well, DUH! - he landed at night!
January 04, 2014
Intercourse = SEX = Rape
All you men out there are nothing but rapists.
Intercourse is the very means through which men oppress us, from which we are not allowed to escape, yet some instances of or PIV [Ed: penis in vagina] and intercourse may be chosen and free? That makes no sense at all.
First, well intercourse is NEVER sex for women. Only men experience rape as sexual and define it as such. Sex for men is the unilateral penetration of their penis into a woman (or anything else replacing and symbolising the female orifice) whether she thinks she wants it or not Ė which is the definition of rape: that he will to do it anyway and that he uses her and treats her as a receptacle, in all circumstances Ė it makes no difference to him experiencing it as sexual. That is, at the very least, men use women as useful objects and instruments for penetration, and women are dehumanised by this act.
Right... And telling a woman she doesn't have the mental capacity to know what she wants isn't dehumanizing at all.
December 28, 2013
WHERE'S MY @&^%$# BEER?!
I really think I can identify with this woman. Bring home the beer. Period.
South Carolina authorities say a 44-year-old woman angry at a man for returning home without beer on Christmas beat and stabbed him with a ceramic squirrel.
The Charleston County Sheriff's office says in a report that deputies found a man covered with blood when they arrived at Helen Williams' North Charleston home early Wednesday. She told investigators the man fell and cut himself, but couldn't explain why her hands and clothes were also bloody.
December 09, 2013
Well I Didn't Think Men Hated Shopping That Much!
Eyewitnesses said Hsiao could be heard telling his girlfriend that they already had more bags than they could carry, but she insisted on hitting one more store where there was a sale on shoes.
An eyewitness said: "He told her she already had enough shoes, more shoes that she could wear in a lifetime, and it was pointless buying any more. She started shouting at him, accusing him of being a skinflint, and of spoiling Christmas. It was a really heated argument."
The argument continued until Hsiao threw the bags on the floor and himself over the balcony, dropping seven stories to his death and smashing Christmas decorations on the way down. He was killed on impact. (Source)
November 20, 2013
HHS: Key To Happiness Is For Women To Calm The F%@k Down
This from the Department in charge of Obamacare:
[...]a study of hot marital fights indicates that when the wife calms down, the couples are more happy. Researcher Lian Bloch of the Pacific Graduate School of Psychology in Palo Alto found that in a study she did at the University of California, Berkeley. She looked at data that included recorded arguments by long-time husbands and wives.
"The marriages that were the happiest were the ones in which the wives were able to calm down quickly during marital conflict."
There is no word on whether or not any male participant was brave enough to actually tell an angry woman to calm down.
This Muslim sheik explains the what the study discovered:
November 13, 2013
Someone took away his hammer before he could remove the nail.
(Not Safe For Guys. Women will have a nice laugh though.)
November 06, 2013
Big Mac Attack: Woman Runs Over Boyfriend For Not Stopping At McDonald's
From The Smoking Gun:
Crystal Greer Brooks, 33, Santiago Hernandez, 41, and a second man were traveling in Hernandez's truck early Thursday morning when Brooks got mad because "they didnít stop at McDonald's," according to a Kingsport Police Department report.
Brooks demanded that Hernandez pull over. When he complied, Brooks replaced him in the driver's seat of the Chevrolet S-10. While Hernandez was standing in front of the truck, Brooks drove into him, knocking the father of her child to the ground. She then "pulled forward and struck him 2 more times with the truck," police charge.
It's time we ban Big Macs so things like this won't happen in the future.
September 22, 2013
On pilgrimage to Johannesburg, South Africa...
From The Independent:
A former women's prison in South Africa which once held Winnie Mandela is now home to a 12m-deep screaming vagina.
Visitors are invited to walk through the artwork, by 30-year-old artist Reshma Chhiba, in a reaction against the former symbol of oppression.
As they do, the scarlet walls ring out with screams and laughter. The "yoni" - the Sanskrit word for vulva, or vagina - is skirted by acrylic wool imitation pubic hair over a tongue-like sponge walkway.
Vanilla Anal Secretions
My question is, who thought it was a good idea to test it in order to find out how it tasted?
"Natural aromas can be extracts from plants, fungi, and in some cases animals. The labelling provisions do not require that the kind of flavour is indicated, with the exception of coffee and quinine," Ulla Beckman Sundh at the agency said.
Vanilla flavour, it has been established, is not only derived from the vanilla bean. It can also come from conifer trees, or indeed from the anal passage of a beaver.
Beckman Sundh however questioned whether the beaver is likely to become a common a source of flavouring for baked goods, sweets, soft drinks and other items.
"As far as I know the beaver is not an animal which is bred, so supply is not that great," she said. (Source)
Nigerian Grad Student Uses Science To Prove Homosexuality Is Wrong
Grad student Chibuihem Amalaha proves gay marriage is unnatural:
"A recent publication on May 3, 2013 shows that France is the 14th country in the world that have legalised gay. I asked myself why should a man be marrying a man and a woman marrying a woman, does it mean that there is no more female for a man to marry or there is no more male for a woman to marry? And recently, Britain told Nigeria to legalise gay marriage of forfeit international aid. I thank God for our lawmakers who refused to sign the bill legalising gay marriage. And so God gave me the wisdom to use science as a scientist to prove gay marriage wrong.
"In the area of physics, I used physics with experiments, I used chemistry with experiments, I used biology with experiments and I used mathematics to prove gay marriage wrong."
Read the results of the experiments HERE.
Next, Amalaha plans to use astronomy to prove Miley Cyrus is actually the love child of Elton John and Lady Gaga.