May 22, 2013
The Obama Presidency Summed Up In A Minute
If a picture is worth a thousand words, this video is priceless.
(Hat Tip: IHateTheMedia)
April 18, 2013
Teen Pursues the Coveted Darwin Award
Later in grief counseling, I predict her parents will save themselves the embarrassment and just say their daughter died snorting cocaine or heroin.
April 12, 2013
Woman Robs Bank With Lunch
Afterwards, she ate the evidence.
CLINTON TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) — It was no bomb -- just two cans of spaghetti sauce. But police in the Detroit area report they're looking for a woman who's charged with using the sauce to steal dough.
According to authorities, Ophelia A. Neal told employees at a bank branch in Macomb County's Clinton Township that she had a bomb in her bag. Authorities say the 430-pound suspect was already on parole and has fraud, assault and marijuana convictions.
She got away with $3,000, which should feed her for a few hours while on the lam.
April 10, 2013
"At over 90 miles per hour, he had his penis out [the window]... he was masturbating... and that's when it got really, really bad. I wouldn't look over any more, and I wrote his tag number down on my hand, which I believe he noticed, and he exited very quickly," Street said.
Either he has a very impressive reach or he was driving in a very awkward position. I'd rather not think about it.
March 22, 2013
Thumbs & Ammo
A new blog called "Thumbs & Ammo" wants to see a thumbs-up replace guns in movies.
Especially ironic for a UK blog is the "Saving Private Ryan" thumbs up. I'm sure the outcome of World War 2 would have been exactly the same had we had the pacifist, anti-gun leadership we have today. /s
Fortunately, it wouldn't affect other weapons such as lightsabers...
Islamic Sermon: Being Gay Is Like Eating Hamburgers
Personally, I would have used a hot dog analogy, but whatever...
My question is, what if you desire hamburgers and shave your beard?
Below the fold, Ricky Gervais explains how eating hamburgers is not like being gay.
March 18, 2013
Or She Could Have Insisted On Cuddling Afterwards...
The Defense Equal Opportunity Management Institute (DEOMI), an arm of the Department Of Defense, released this video entitled "DEOMI Bystander Intervention Training Video."
The video opens with a depiction the brutal rape and murder of Kitty Genovese. Genovese was savagely attacked and stabbed multiple times. Her cries for help were ignored by numerous neighbors. At one point, her attacker left the scene, only to return several minutes later to rape her and repeatedly stab her again.
The video goes on to suggest preventing violence or rape by, among other strategies, encouraging dialogue or using humor:
Only use these measures if your whistle doesn't work.
David Stein at Republican Party Animals writes:
That the Department of Defense would invoke the Genovese case to illustrate these "nine points" is probably one of the most grotesque and insulting misuses of taxpayer money I've ever witnessed in my 44 years. The ultimate irony is that the Genovese case illustrates the exact opposite of what the DoD (and, by extension, the Obama Administration) is trying force on the public. Moseley specifically told police that he chose female victims because they "didn’t fight back." The Genovese case illustrates the importance of fighting back, not using "progressive" non-violent hippie-bullcrap. The Genovese case illustrates the importance of being armed, and the value of concealed-carry for women.
Your tax dollars hard at work.
(Hat Tip: Gateway Pundit)
Republican Party Animal's parody video is below the fold.
March 10, 2013
Egyptian Superhero Dons Underwear To Protect Muslim Women From Sexual Attacks
Look! Up in the sky! It's bird! It's a buraq! No, it's Supermakh! This Islamic superhero gets his powers from underwear!
Is it just me or does Supermakh look like Carrot Top?
March 09, 2013
Police Hunt "Thong Bandit"
He's not a bandit, per se, as he's not stealing them. He's just running around in a thong, scaring the women folk and stuff.
"We're looking for an individual who we have titled the 'Thong Bandit,'" District 1 Commander Paul Pazen said. "He is fully clothed somewhere in the mouth of an alley, will disrobe down to a thong and expose himself further in front of female citizens in northwestt Denver."
Pazen says the man was first seen at the end of the summer, and has been quiet for several months, but there have been four reports of him exposing himself again in the last two weeks: once on Feb. 17 and Feb, 18th. Denver Police have assembled teams of officers to look for this man.
The White House has offered Denver Police several drones to assist in their search.
Police have released this sketch of the suspect:
You should know, he was wearing a pink thong, but has recently switched to a black thong. That's apparently important for some reason.
Do not try to apprehend this individual, though it'd be cool if you could take some pictures.
Video below the fold.
R.I.P. Michael Jackson
In case you haven't heard, he was raped and murdered.
February 19, 2013
New Liberal Advice For Self Defense: Charge Your Attacker
Law enforcement authorities are increasingly advising school officials – and even young students – to physically confront suspects in future campus attacks as a final line of defense.
The advisories, now included in training videos and documents prepared by police, represent a major shift in tactics for law enforcement officials who have traditionally counseled potential victims to flee and hide while waiting for authorities to answer calls for help.
"These incidents are becoming a fact of life," University of Wisconsin-Madison Police Chief Susan Riseling told a meeting of law enforcement colleagues gathered here. "If there is no other option, take the shooter out."
Don't you feel safer knowing Liberals are teaching your unarmed children to charge a school shooter?
Personally, I'd feel better shooting him from a distance. But I'm just an evil gun-toting Conservative.
February 18, 2013
New Jersey: Two Copts Decapitated, Hands Cut Off
28-year-old Yusuf Ibrahim In Custody
WTF?!??!, New Jersey!
Investigators say Ibrahim shot and killed the victims, severed their heads and hands, and buried the remains at a Buena Vista house.[More...]
Wow, just wow.
Update: Perps mug:
Yusuf Ibrahim appears in Central Judicial Processing court in Jersey City via video link from Hudson County jail in Kearny on Thursday, Feb. 14, 2013. Reena Rose Sibayan/The Jersey Journal
Click here to see a larger image of him before he shaved his head as was shown in the above video.
Looks like he has some type of gang tattoo.
January 24, 2013
Caption This: Lord Of The Flies
(Click to Enlarge)
Obama seems to be menaced by flies. Quite often. Which is kind of "Exorcist" creepy, if you ask me.
So caption it. Speak for the flies or offer an explanation, however weird. You can email me Photoshop entries and I'll post it below the fold.
First Photoshop submission from Nana:
(Click to Enlarge)
This wasn't an official entry. I just found it while Googling and thought it was funny:
January 22, 2013
Obama: I Like My Voters Uninformed, Unemployed, And High
From College Fix (emphasis mine):
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Barack Obama delivered a direct, forceful inaugural address Monday, during which he promised the continuation of a large national government and socially progressive platform to a lackluster crowd who at times seemed more interested in their cell phones than his speech.
Despite the president’s sharply ideological tone – perhaps to fire up his base for his second term – the crowd gathered on the National Mall failed to catch the emotional fever pitch. It remains to be seen what, if any, role the strong smell of the marijuana smoke in one part of the Mall played on the crowd’s demeanor.
I guess this explains Michelle shoveling food in her mouth. She had the munchies. (Video below the fold.)
Another angle of it HERE.
January 18, 2013
Ministry Of WTF? Pakistan Says It Will Free All Afghan Taliban Detainees
@switch_d says it best:
#Pakistan says it will free all Afghan #Taliban detainees - with parting gifts of an AK, suicide vest, & map of...?Indeed.
Nothing to see here, move along..
January 08, 2013
Indonesia: Muslims Demand Ban Of Movie Because Heroine Eats "Spicy Pork"
File this under "You can't make this sh!t up":
The Indonesian Minang Youth Community and Minangkabau Cultural and Society Coordination Body reported the movie for allegedly promoting hatred against the Minang ethnic group. [...]
He claimed that most Minang people were offended by dialog in which the female character--played by Agni Pratistha--said that she loved spicy pork, which is forbidden for Muslims.
Ah, a forbidden love story only Shakespeare could appreciate - he's a Muslim, she likes pork. The original Romeo & Juliet, only in this version, Romeo's family kills them both.
January 04, 2013
A spider that builds elaborate, fake spiders and hangs them in its web has been discovered in the Peruvian Amazon.
Believed to be a new species in the genus Cyclosa, the arachnid crafts the larger spider from leaves, debris and dead insects. Though Cyclosa includes other sculpting arachnids, this is the first one observed to build a replica with multiple, spidery legs.
Scientists suspect the fake spiders serve as decoys, part of a defense mechanism meant to confuse or distract predators.
January 01, 2013
Kathy Griffin Goes Down On Anderson Cooper Three Times On Live Television, Offers To "Tickle His Sack" (Updated With Pictures)
But the jokes on her - Cooper doesn't have a sack.
CNN - America's most trusted name in news.
As Tuchman finished his report, Griffin in the left split-screen bent down and kissed Cooper's crotch.
As she continued to try to kiss it, Cooper asked her, “Did you drop something?”
“No, I was kissing your sardine,” Griffin replied.
“Thank you. I got it,” giggled Cooper.
“I can do it again,” Griffin said kneeling. “I can do this all night long."
“No, sweetie,” said Cooper lifting her back on her feet.
“I'm going on Letterman in two nights, and he wants a moment,” argued Griffin as she went down again.
“I'm going down,” she said. “You know you want to.”
“Believe me, I really don't,” said Cooper as he once again pulled her upright.
“It's after midnight,” protested Griffin.
“I never have,” argued Cooper.
“No one's even going to, what's the big deal?” responded Griffin as she went down again.
“I don't know what you're talking about,” Cooper said pulling her up as he handed it off to Brooke Baldwin in New Orleans.
Throughout the program, Griffin also showed pictures of herself posing in various places and in various states of dress. Some were quite bizarre.
UPDATE: Apparently Griffin and Cooper shared a hotel room before the New Year's Eve broadcast. Griffin tweeted a picture of Cooper showering. Strangely, he was wearing shorts and a shower cap.
Video & Pictures below the fold.
For some odd reason, Griffin kept showing pictures of her self that were completely unrelated to the New Year's Eve events. I can't tell if she was drunk, high or just so full of herself she thought viewers would enjoy them.
A couple of screenshots from the broadcast:
One disturbing clip showed a dog humping Griffin's leg. You can see it HERE at about the 07:30 mark. Here is a screenshot:
Why Griffin, or CNN for that matter, would think this was appropriate for a family broadcast is beyond me.
December 23, 2012
Just In Time For Christmas - Jesus Found On Tortilla
Jesus appears on a burned tortilla shell:
SAN ANTONIO -- A San Antonio man says he found Jesus on his breakfast tortilla.
Thank goodness it wasn't a likeness of Muhammad, or someone would have to die today.
December 22, 2012
Pot, Kettle, Black.
Lindsey Lohan refuses to kiss actor Charlie Sheen because she doesn't know where he's been. I'm willing to bet she's been in all the same places, and then some...
The troubled 26-year-old actress wasn’t on board when she was expected to kiss the “Anger Management” star during their scenes together in the upcoming “Scary Movie 5,” according to TMZ.com.
Lohan reportedly refused to lay her lips on 47-year-old Sheen because she was concerned about the actor’s wild partying past.
Slightly OT but from the same article, is there some sort of bizarro-world, alternate universe in which multi-millionaires need help paying a $233k tax bill?
December 21, 2012
Wheel Of Fortune Cheats A Contestant
What a friggin' rip-off!
This reminds me of the old Quiz Show scandal in which producers pre-selected winners based on popularity and ratings. The selected contestant would receive the questions and answers days before the live airing.
In the case of Wheel of Fortune, it looks like they used a technicality to keep a contestant from winning.
The above incident happened the day before this one (listen carefully when the contestant says the word "smoked"):
December 07, 2012
No, That Wasn't Sex, It Was My New Line Of Cologne Called "After Sex"
I'm calling Calvin Klein in the morning.
A woman killed her boyfriend after smelling sex on him:
Prosecutors say a northwestern Pennsylvania woman told her boyfriend she had "smelled sex" on him before she killed him earlier this year.
Thirty-one-year-old Rachel Kozloff is on trial in the April 12 killing of her boyfriend of eight weeks.
Investigators say Kozloff shot Michael Henry at his Erie apartment because she suspected him of cheating on her.
Seriously. It's my idea for the cologne. Let this post be a record of it.
December 04, 2012
Dick, Dildo And Deception
UPDATE: Headline changed, Thanks, Anna! There were other funny captions too. Read comments for those.
Best entry in comments will replace the above headline. My contribution: Fake Phallus Firearm Gets Man Five Years:
giving a whole new twist on the ‘is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?’, a man has been arrested and sentenced after terrorising local residents with a vibrator.
Ian Poulton from Wellington, now thoroughly embarrassed, managed to capture the attention of 15 police officers who were tooled-up and wearing bulletproof vests, thanks to his antics with a codwang.
No fatwas will be issued, as I'm too lazy to update anything but headline.
November 30, 2012
Canada Criminalizes Harry Potter
It is apparently illegal to pretend to be a sorcerer in Canada:
On Tuesday, Toronto Police announced that Gustavo Valencia Gomez, 40, of Mississauga, had been charged under Section 365 of the Criminal Code, which prohibits pretending to “exercise or to use any kind of witchcraft, sorcery, enchantment or conjuration.”
If found guilty, Gomez is to be burned at the stake.
November 28, 2012
Serbian Village On Lookout For 300 Year Old Vampire
Obviously, these people haven't seen the Twilight Saga...
Residents of the western Serbian village of Zarozje reportedly received a unique public health warning recently, when the town's mayor cautioned that a vampire was on the loose. That is not a joke, and the people of Zarozje are taking heed and stocking up on garlic bulbs and crosses.
More on this story, complete with blurry, sinister pictures, at The Daily Mail Online.
Incidentally, vampires do exist. A Belgium crew managed to record enough footage for a documentary. Trailer below the fold.
November 26, 2012
Conservative Bloggers Pick 2016 R Candidate
I participated in this poll. FYI, I chose Rand Paul as my current favorite, but I'm not wedded to that. I'm much more on the libertarian side of the party and Rand seems like he's less crazy about certain issues -- such as returning to the gold standard -- than his dad.
November 09, 2012
Exclusive Behind The Scenes Look At The Jawa Report
I know some of you are wondering how the blogging magic happens here at The Jawa Report. Below the fold is a rare video of the behind-the-scenes look at some of the things we do to make this the best blog EVAH!
October 30, 2012
"Marack" Obama Wins Coveted Honey Boo Boo Endorsement
Typical Obama voter here:
I bet a box of Little Debbie® would sway her vote.
No word from Michelle Obama.
October 13, 2012
Residents of a rural community in the U.K. scrambled rescue services when a villager spotted a young goat stranded on rocks:
Immediately after this harrowing operation, rescue crews quickly set off to save a bird spotted stranded on a tree branch.
September 26, 2012
Shopping With A Friend: Scratch & Sniff Edition
This is why I shop at Amazon.com instead of visiting department stores.
September 25, 2012
Study: Men Without A Penis Live Longer
A new study suggests men without a penis live longer than men who have a penis. But before you rush to cut off your mini me, remember it's only by 20 years.
Man Arrested For Couch Sex
No, it's not what you may think. He wasn't arrested for having sex on a couch. It's worse - he was having sex with a couch:
A Wisconsin man has been accused of having sex with an abandoned couch, police report.
Now I'm kind of sad I recently threw away an old couch. I thought I was doing the right thing by sending it to the dump, but there's no telling what abuse it's now experiencing at the hands of some sick wacko.
September 19, 2012
Accidental Donkey Love
Try not to look so proud of it...
From The Smoking Gun:
When interviewed Friday by cops, Romero made a series of shocking admissions. [...]
Romero reported that he “stands behind the donkey, scratches her withers and masturbates.” He revealed that he “likes the way the fur feels on his testicles,” and that his penis “may have come in contact with the donkey’s vagina by accident and his semen may have splattered inside the donkey by accident."
(Hat Tip for video: Howie)
September 15, 2012
@PeterHambyCNN Tweets: Wisconsin Officially A Battleground State, Donate To Obama!!
I guess this joke of a "reporter" doesn't feel the need to hide his love for empty chair anymore:
"CNN Political Reporter[PR4Obama...ed]. Richmonder. Hoyas/'Skins/Reds/Bearcats/Gamecocks. Comments, rants, music tips welcome: firstname.lastname@example.org
Washington, D.C. · http://cnn.com/politics"
Wisconsin officially a battleground: President Barack Obama going to Milwaukee next weekend > donate.barackobama.com/page/contribut…— Peter Hamby (@PeterHambyCNN) September 13, 2012
The link takes you to this:
September 13, 2012
Reports: No Live Ammo For MarinesUpdate: Reports Not True
Via Free Beacon[h/t Moshe Ben Avram]
U.S. Marines defending the American embassy in Egypt were not permitted by the State Department to carry live ammunition, limiting their ability to respond to attacks like those this week on the U.S. consulate in Cairo.My blood is boiling at this time, if this is true only cements the dhimmitude in empty chairs administrations ROE!
Ambassador to Egypt Anne Patterson “did not permit U.S. Marine guards to carry live ammunition,” according to multiple reports on U.S. Marine Corps blogs spotted by Nightwatch. “She neutralized any U.S. military capability that was dedicated to preserve her life and protect the US Embassy.”
U.S. officials have yet to confirm or comment on the reports. Time magazine’s Battleland blog reported Thursday “Senior U.S. officials late Wednesday declined to discuss in detail the security at either Cairo or Benghazi, so answers may be slow in coming.”
If true, the reports indicate that Patterson shirked her obligation to protect U.S. interests, Nightwatch states.
Further Marine spokesman at Pentagon Lt Col Chris Hughes says these reports are NOT true. This is on the record:
“The Ambassador and RSO have been completely and appropriately engaged with the security situation. No restrictions on weapons or weapons status have been imposed. This information comes from the Det Commander at AMEMB Cairo.”