November 28, 2016

Shameless Promotion

Our hero is back!

By Howie at 09:52 AM | Comments |

November 15, 2016

Confirmed: Han Solo Poked The Princess

We at Jawa Report have always been fans of Han Solo, but now we're pretty sure he's the coolest dude in the Galaxy.

While Fisher has hinted in the past that the pair may have fooled around, she gets down and dirty in the book, revealing that he allegedly got her drunk and seduced her during filming, part of which took place in Tunisia.

The pair wound up in bed after Ford, who is now 74, offered to drive a “wine sodden” Fisher home, she says.

The only problem is that the Princess doesn't remember all that much about it.
In one entry, she says she tried “relentlessly” to make Ford love her and came up with fantasies of Ford proposing to her with a “gold band with diamonds (inscribed) ‘Carrison.'”

In her book, Fisher notes that she’s fuzzy on the details of her and Ford’s three-month relationship because of ”the brutal strength of Harrison’s preferred strain of pot.”

Damn, you mean I had a chance?

By Howie at 02:57 PM | Comments |

October 13, 2016

Rogue One: Trailer #2

By Howie at 09:29 AM | Comments |

August 12, 2016

Dum Dum Dum Da Dah Dum Dah Da Dum

Dum dum dah da dadadaahh da dum....

By Howie at 07:33 AM | Comments |

August 09, 2016

Smore Smores!


By Howie at 12:35 PM | Comments |

July 25, 2016

Just Because


And now, How Princess Leia got the plans, Hunger Games Edition.

Do we really care that the plot is lacking, no. We want metal bikinis!

By Howie at 04:03 PM | Comments |

May 26, 2016

Revenge of the Sith

No wait!

By Howie at 07:57 AM | Comments |

May 04, 2016

May The Fourth Be With You

Anyone out there who writes Forth?

Never mind.

By Howie at 08:06 AM | Comments |

March 16, 2016

Red Leader Not Standing By

Red Leader has died.

ad news today as we learn that Drewe Henley who played Red Leader Garven Dreis in Star Wars has passed away at the age of 75.

Henley's performance in Star Wars was not dubbed in post-production, one of the few actors who didn't need dubbing. Henley interpreted his character as an experienced battle veteran and so opted to play him without any excitement in his voice. In the 1997 special editions of Star Wars an extra scene was included with Henley's character talking to Luke Skywalker.

“Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force.
Due to the general popularity and international fandom surroundng the Star Wars franchise, “Red Leader Standing By” threads quickly spread across the forums as a staple pastime, including Facepunch[2], EU Playstation[3], NASIOC[4], PBNation[5], 4chan[6], Rock Band[7], Dungeon Fighter[8] amongst others.
Mourn them do not.

Hat Tip: William.

By Howie at 08:53 PM | Comments |

March 10, 2016

Where's Rusty? They're Not Dolls They Are Action Figures Edition

Hey at least my action figures stay in the Dart Vader carry case. Not Shackleford no.

The mighty Wookiee then fires a shot in the direction of the blast…

Mighty Wookie?

By Howie at 01:02 PM | Comments |

February 17, 2016

Han shot First Restored!

Something about Lucas and Disney doesn't like it.

onging to see an unaltered edition of 1977’s A New Hope — without the decades of special edition makeovers — a group reportedly spent thousands of dollars and years of effort to restore to a faded print of Star Wars to the best-seen-yet high-definition version of the original cut of the film — and then leaked it online.

...The Silver Screen version is without the special editions’ dialogue tweaks, visual polish, and Mos Eisley’s added CGI creatures, and Han naturally shoots first (Atad points out that it’s actually jarring to realize that not only does Han fire first, but Greedo doesn’t shoot at all). There have been similar renegade restoration attempts in the past (such as the fan-made Despecialized Edition), and the Silver Screen edition still has plenty of visual flaws (pops, scratches, color issues). But connoisseurs of bootleg Star Wars video claim this edition is the most impressive they’ve seen so far. ...

Calling themselves Team Negative1, the group (at least, their leader claims there’s a group) quietly released their “Silver Screen Theatrical Version” last month to message board acclaim. Then on Tuesday, film writer Corey Atad posted a lengthy interview with the primary fan behind the restoration, chronicling his extensive frame-by-frame efforts to recreate a version that’s quite close to what fans first saw in theaters 39 years ago.

Its here if one of you folks want to pull it down, string it together and slap it up somewhere. Of if anyone has a link, comments.

By Howie at 10:24 AM | Comments |

January 21, 2016

Ben Solo's Not Crazy, You're the One That's Crazy!


By Rusty Shackleford, Ph.D. at 05:47 PM | Comments |

December 31, 2015

George Lucas: Disney Butchered Force Awakens Storyline

It seems Disney is more concerned with the fans than the story the fans love.

I'm not sure how this works but I am sure that Real Han Solo would have slapped that kid first and drug him him home by the stinking unwashed hair on his hippie head!

I sold them to the white slavers that takes these things, and…,” he said in a recent interview with Charlie Rose, before deciding not to finish the sentence, USA Today reported.

Mr. Lucas, 71, also explained why he and Disney were split on their visions for the future of the franchise.

“They wanted to do a retro movie. I don’t like that. Every movie, I worked very hard to make them different,” he said. “I made them completely different — different planets, different spaceships to make it new.”

“They looked at the stories, and they said, ‘We want to make something for the fans,’” Mr. Lucas said. “They decided they didn’t want to use those stories, they decided they were going to do their own thing. …

By Howie at 12:05 PM | Comments |

December 23, 2015

She Doesn't Dance?

Oh yes she does!

By Howie at 09:03 AM | Comments |

December 18, 2015

Sandcrawler PSA: Everything is Cancelled We Swear!

We're pretty sure all work and school are cancelled today....

Didn't you get the memo?

Update: Nooooooo!

By Howie at 09:41 AM | Comments |

December 14, 2015

All That Matters!

World premier!


By Howie at 07:11 PM | Comments |

December 11, 2015

Death Star Incident Caused by Unstable Disgruntled Redneck From Outer Rim

All this talk of a rebel attack and terrorism smacks of bigotry and Jawaphobia.

Once Luke escapes and regroups with a terror sleeper cell, he joins them on an attack mission. As he nears his target, hearing Obi-Wan’s words in his mind, Luke closes his eyes, says a prayer and bombs a space station, killing everyone aboard. Young Skywalker has proven himself a quick study in the ways of armed religious extremism.

As the Empire Strikes Back begins, Obi-Wan appears to Luke as an apparition and gives him clear instructions on continuing his radicalization. Luke is ordered to travel overseas to receive training and religious instruction from Yoda, an extremist cleric who runs a Jedi madrasa on Dagobah.

But Jawa sources have disclosed that Skywalker was distraught over not being allowed to JOIN the Imperial Academy, not the so called Rebel Alliance.

As for the influence of Kenobi and Jedi Terrorism, sources close to Skywalker have told Jawa Report, It's all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense. That old man was crazy.

Hat Tip: Reason.

By Howie at 08:36 PM | Comments |

December 10, 2015

Sandcrawler PSA: Save Slave Leia!

Because what good is a sex slave that's not, um sexy.

Fisher is in much demand these days as she is making a return in the new, eagerly awaited "Star Wars" film, "The Force Awakens."


The actress told the Los Angeles Times that perhaps the father who complained should tell his daughter that her character "is wearing that outfit not because she's chosen to wear it. She's been forced to wear it."

"She's a prisoner of a giant testicle who has a lot of saliva going on and she does not want to wear that thing and it's ultimately that chain, which you're now indicating is some sort of accessory to S&M, that is used to kill the giant saliva testicle," Fisher said. "That's asinine."

What a dick, how about you get your daughter once of these slave outfits.

burqa slaves 3.jpg

These girls don't want to wear them either, and you can still retain your aversion to female hetronormative behavior.

For the rest of us hetromormative red blooded Americans we present Slave Leia, a force for good.

What was it you wanted again?

By Howie at 12:52 PM | Comments |

October 26, 2015

Rusty Wins Seat on Odessa City Council Chewy Arrested


Darth Sidious, aka Emperor Palpatine, was reportedly just elected to a seat on the city council of Odessa, Ukraine's fourth largest city.
Good. Goooooddddd!


Video has been released of the moment Chewbacca was arrested in Ukraine for unlawfully canvassing for the country's Internet Party.

The Wookiee was stopped by police on Sunday while driving Darth Vader to a polling station in Odessa where the pair were campaigning for Vader in the mayoral elections.

Ukraine's local election law forbids candidates from canvassing on the day of voting and Chewbacca was taken into custody after failing to show police his ID.

By Howie at 03:14 PM | Comments |

October 23, 2015

Where's Rusty? Darth Lenin Edition

Know the powah of the WIFI!

You got to hand it to the Russian not only are they drunk, they are very cool.

By Howie at 01:08 PM | Comments |

October 20, 2015

Sandcrawler PSA: Know The Powah!

By Howie at 08:11 AM | Comments |

July 15, 2015

Polly Wants a Jawa

I think I should get off her first.


I think she wants some water to put out the blow torch.

Speaking of blow.


Whore! You dirty dirty whore!

By Howie at 02:08 PM | Comments |

July 13, 2015

Jawa Christmas in July!

Know the powah!

It getting about time to gear up on this new Star Wars gig. I'm so excited I could just sh*t.

By Howie at 07:50 AM | Comments |

April 28, 2015

In Japan, R2D2 Flies You

By Rusty Shackleford, Ph.D. at 04:31 PM | Comments |

April 27, 2015

X Wing Fighter in Space! (For REELZIES!!)

Or at least, the edge of space.

I had to click this link to see the backstory because, frankly, I thought it was a hoax. Nope, it's real:

That's no moon, that's a high altitude balloon. Two men in the UK, who jokingly call themselves the ESA or "Essex Space Agency" (a play on the European Space Agency) used high altitude balloons and high definition cameras to send an X-Wing fighter model into space and film it high above Earth.

By Rusty Shackleford, Ph.D. at 12:32 PM | Comments |

April 22, 2015

This Can't Stand!

It is said that Han vs Greedo would be restored to its proper sequence in the HD digital release of Star Wars A New Hope.

here's a rumor going around that when Star Wars is released on digital format tomorrow it will restore a key scene. Badass Digest reports that Star Wars will have Han shooting first.

In 1977's Star Wars, audiences were introduced to Han Solo in a badass way. He is confronted by Greedo, a bounty hunter, in Mos Eisley cantina. Greedo wants to collect the bounty on Han, which was set by Jabba the Hutt. As the scene plays out we see Han very slyly reach for his gun and in a casual manner fires it, killing Greedo.

Then Lucas decided to alter the scene for the 1997 Special Edition re-release. Instead of having Han fire first, he had Greedo take a shot a Han. This destroyed a key component of Han's character development. We ended up with a generic self-defense scene.

So awesome that someone cares more about the story than toys and the kiddies!

No Wait!


Han Shoots First alternate
Because Fox doesn't know WTF fair use is
Also FOX no longer has a claim they sold out to Disney

Hat Tip: B'emet Or.

Updated: 04/22/15... As a kid I not only saw star wars. I had the Album and also the book. I hate to say the book has long ago been lost but thanks to the wonder that is Google we can now see the Han vs. Greedo encounter in its entire context. (also good if you want to read about Luke goofing off at the power station with his no good friends but I digress).



So you see Greedo had a gun on Solo and threatened him three times, also Solo didn't reply "I'll bet you have." to Greedo's "I've waited for this for a long time".

He replied, "I think you're right." to Greedo's ,"...for the last time."


By Howie at 12:54 PM | Comments |

April 16, 2015

Hi Chewy I'm Home!

Hat Tip: WAPO.

By Howie at 01:48 PM | Comments |

April 01, 2015

Use The Force!

There is only the Force.

The technical ramifications of this great discovery, facilitated by the use of CERN's Large Hadron Collider, are too complex to go into right now. Suffice to say that what you so far perceived as gravity, was some prankster Jedi using his powers to keep stuff attached to the Earth. Yes, the man has literally been holding you down all this time.
The Force is also a gay rapist?

By Howie at 07:36 AM | Comments |

March 30, 2015

Imperial Star Destroyer Bombs Taliban

Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen .....

By Rusty Shackleford, Ph.D. at 02:41 PM | Comments |

March 23, 2015

Actual Sandcrawler Used in Suicide Bombing

I, for one, mourn the loss of the Sandcrawler. The suicide bomber? Not so much.

By Rusty Shackleford, Ph.D. at 03:12 PM | Comments |

March 05, 2015

Crashing Planes Ain't Like Dusting Crops Boy

They told me the hyper-drive! They fixed it! They told me they fixed it!

A small plane piloted by Harrison Ford has crash-landed at an L.A. golf course ... but we're told the actor has survived.

TMZ has learned ... Ford was piloting what appears to be a vintage 2-seater fighter plane Thursday ... when something went wrong and he crashed into Penmar golf course in Venice, CA.

We're told Ford suffered multiple gashes to his head and was bleeding. Two doctors who happened to be at the golf course rushed over to treat the actor.
Emergency personnel arrived to the scene a short time later. Ford was transported to a nearby hospital.

72-year-old Ford is a longtime aviator -- piloting planes and helicopters -- and has crashed multiple times in the past.

He was flying that thing? He's braver than I thought.

By Howie at 08:07 PM | Comments |

December 01, 2014



Click image for more but skip slides 1, 7, 9, bad gay.

By Howie at 08:59 AM | Comments |

November 28, 2014

You Can't Keep The Sith Down

Go Sith!

By Howie at 12:49 PM | Comments |

July 31, 2014

Where's Rusty?

Playing with his cats:


I guess he missed his playdate with Howie.

By DMartyr at 09:37 PM | Comments |

July 23, 2014

Vader 2016!

For for a safe and secure republic.


Death to Jar Jar Binks.

By Howie at 11:36 AM | Comments |

June 24, 2014

In Time

You will call me Master.

Hey just because something is new, doesn't mean it has to be bad ;-)

By Howie at 02:52 PM | Comments |

June 04, 2014

Where's Rusty?Totally Righteous Edition

Howie and Rusty, making commercials for extra scratch at 0:27.

Utinni! (He was like totally robbed dude!).

Hat Tip: AC/DC.

By Howie at 07:37 AM | Comments |