September 12, 2014

Death By Fapping?

Marathon masturbator dies

A marathon masturbator in China died after he donated his seed to a sperm bank four times in just 10 days.

Zheng Gang was found slumped over and unconscious in a private booth at the Wuhan University facility in Hubei Province after staff noticed he hadn’t come out in two hours, The Daily Mail reports.[More]

What a way to go, eh?

By Stable Hand at 10:38 PM | Comments |

August 29, 2013

Where's Howie?

Making sure the sheds at Home Depot are up to his, er, "standards":

South Carolina couple was arrested yesterday for having sex inside a display shed at a Home Depot, police report....

Officers were dispatched to the business “in reference to an male and female entering a display shed on the property, closing the door behind themselves and remaining inside,” according to a North Charleston Police Department report.

An inspection of the outdoor sheds turned up Craig and Bowden. Craig, cops noted, was “partially clothed; the top of her dress was untied, hanging at her waist.” Bowden was shirtless and “had his pants down near his knees; his penis was exposed.”

By Rusty Shackleford, Ph.D. at 01:48 PM | Comments |

December 23, 2012

Sandra Fluke Gets A Tattoo

So, what kind of tattoo would a sexually insatiable Georgetown Law student needing $3000 a year in condoms get?

Video at Liveleak. All that's missing is an "Enter Here" with an arrow. Oh, and a tattoo condom.

WARNING: Not safe for innocent eyes!

Rush Limbaugh Apologizes To Sandra "Not A Slut, I Just Like Having Sex Alot" Fluke

(PS: This post is satire. That isn't really Sandra Fluke. Or is it? We can't see the girl's face, so it could be Sandra. But it isn't certain. One thing is certain if you ask me - Like Sandra Fluke, this girl probably also needs $3000 dollars worth of condoms to get through college.)

By DMartyr at 11:09 AM | Comments |

November 29, 2012

Excuse Me While I Whip This Out!

It's not what you have, it's how you use what you have...

Fred E. Thomas pleaded guilty to 180 days in jail with all but five days suspended and was placed on probation for a year for domestic violence assault and indecent conduct. A third charge of unlawful sexual contact was dismissed.

The incident occurred in July in Warren when his wife of 39 years, who was estranged from him, stayed at his place. He offered her $20 for sex, and when she refused he took out his penis and struck her with it... (Source)

I have a relevant question: where did he strike her?

I mean if he just tapped her on the thigh or something that's no big deal (pun intended). But if it was like a good solid whipping smack across the face, I have to admit, I'd be impressed...

By DMartyr at 12:37 PM | Comments |

June 05, 2012

My Question: When Is This Not Malicious?

Personally, I'd claim it was just foreplay that got out of hand. ;)

A 35-year-old Shelby woman is accused of squeezing a man’s testicle out of his scrotum this weekend, according to a Shelby Police report.

Police charged Joyce Maxine Gregory with malicious castration and assault inflicting serious bodily injury.

This story gives the inventor in me a new idea - How about a stress toy in the shape of a scrotum and testicles pop out when you squeeze it? I'm telling you, its a winner!


By DMartyr at 10:18 PM | Comments |

April 30, 2012

BMW Sued Over Boner

Personally, I would think it would take at least a Lamborghini to have that effect on me if I were a guy...

SAN FRANCISCO (WWJ) - BMW North America has probably had to deal with plenty of unusual lawsuits, but one filed last week may be a first — a California man says the seat on his motorcycle has given him an erection he just can’t shake. [...]

He said he’s had the erection non-stop for 20 months. (Source)

He should have read the warning label. It says if the erection lasts longer than four hours you should seek medical attention.

By DMartyr at 09:19 AM | Comments |

April 27, 2012

Balls Of Steel No Match For Kung Fu Grip

Isn't this the same move that kills a man after 5 heartbeats in Kill Bill?

April 19, a female scooter rider killed a man by squeezing his testicles for the packing dispute, in Haikou City, Hainan Province.

It was learned, the woman, 41 years old, rode on her scooter to an elementary school in Meilan District, Haikou City to pick up her child that day. When she wanted to pack her scooter in front of a shop, she was rejected by the shop owner, a 42-year-old male.

The two parties soon fell into a quarrel, and then the physical confrontation. [...]

During the fight, the middle aged woman manged to grab the man’s testicles, and squeezed them till he finally collapsed on the ground.

The man was immediately rushed to hospital, but unfortunately died there despite of efforts. (Source)

By DMartyr at 09:29 AM | Comments |

March 30, 2012

'He Has Stolen Our Prick!'


In Nigeria, a good Samaritan assisted a man in a wheelchair only to discover the handicapped man stole his penis! When he began beating the man, presumably to get his penis back, other men rushed to defend the crippled man.

However, no good deed goes unpunished. As they helped the victim back into his wheelchair, they discovered that their penises (peni?) had been stolen as well!

“The shouts of, he has stolen our prick rented the air, which attracted great crowd, some of whom joined now in beating the Hausa cripple and eventually succeeded in burning his wheelchair”, they further told our reporter.

Before he could be lynched, police reportedly arrived on the scene and took them, that is, the four boys and the cripple to the Divisional Police station, Kala, along Mile 4, Ikwerre Road, Port Harcourt.

Visual examines confirmed all four penises were still intact on their rightful owners, though the men did complain their restored organs were now "lifeless." A medical examine indicated all four men were physically normal. No word on their mental conditions.

Hat Tip: Anorak

By DMartyr at 10:41 AM | Comments |

January 13, 2012

You Mean That's Frowned Upon?

Not here at the Jawa Report. In fact, we are encouraged to wear fake penises. It give us something to talk about at the water cooler.

A northeastern Pennsylvania woman is suing a South Jersey-based maker of frozen treats and other snack foods, claiming that she was wrongfully fired because she wore a prosthetic penis to work. (Source)
By DMartyr at 09:12 AM | Comments |

December 10, 2011

For Stable Hand


By DMartyr at 09:39 PM | Comments |

September 13, 2011

True Horror Stories That Make Grown Men Cringe

I was saving these for Halloween, but what the hell. I've got nothing better to post.

An eel finds a new home up a man's manhood:

Thinking that the eels would make him look ten years younger, Nan dived into the water and let them feast upon layers of dead skin.

But after laying in the spa bath, Nan felt a sharp pain and realised a small eel was working its way up his urethra and into his bladder.

More terrifying campfire stories below the fold.

Industrial metal grinder used to remove a metal pipe from a man's manhood:

Medics at Southampton General Hospital struggled to get the man's penis out of the stainless steel pipe, because the restricted blood flow had caused it to become erect.

Instead, they resorted called in Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service.

The fire crew turned up with a special equipment unit from St Mary's station in Southampton and seven firefighters to help, in what a spokesman understatedly described as a 'delicate operation'.

The firefighters used the four-and-a-half-inch industrial metal grinder to cut the pipe from around the anaesthetised man's penis.

Dwarf accidentally superglues his little manhood to a Hoover:

A show called Circus Of Horrors lived up to its name when a dwarf accidentally glued his penis to a vacuum cleaner.

Captain Dan The Demon Dwarf was taken to hospital when he became stuck to the the machine after misreading superglue instructions.

Read more (if you dare) HERE.

By DMartyr at 10:25 AM | Comments |