November 28, 2016

Sandcrawler PSA: Save Bigfoot!

Bigfoot is an endangered species, I mean super duper endangered.

By Howie at 09:43 AM | Comments |

November 25, 2016

Sandcrawler Closed: RIP Mrs. Brady

The Sandcrawler is closed for the day as we morn the passing of everyone's Mom.

Florence Henderson, who began her career as an ingénue soprano in stage musicals in the 1950s but made a more lasting impression on television, as the perky 1970s sitcom mom on “The Brady Bunch,” died Thursday. She was 82.

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Image Credit Very Brady Blog

Her death was confirmed by David Brokaw, her publicist. He said she died at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles of what the family described as heart failure.

By Howie at 08:46 AM | Comments |

November 23, 2016

Revenge of the Squirrels

That squirrel is a Sith Lord

Howard Brookins Jr., the alderman for Chicago’s 21st ward, had publicly spoken out about a toothy menace plaguing the city’s garbage carts: urban squirrels, which in Brookins’s view were “aggressive,” and aggressively damaging the trash cart lids.

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He now has another reason to dislike the rodents. One recently sent him to the hospital with a skull fracture in a “freak bicycle accident,” as the alderman wrote on Facebook.

Brookins was biking along Cal-Sag Trail on Nov. 13, when a squirrel darted into his path. The squirrel cut Brookins’s bike trip short by wrapping itself in the spokes of the alderman’s bicycle. The alderman flipped over the handlebars and landed with such a severe impact that he fractured his skull, broke his nose and knocked out a handful of teeth, the Chicago Tribune reported. A woman who passed by called 911. Brookins was only able to leave the hospital Thursday.

Know the powah of the Dark Side!

By Howie at 09:39 AM | Comments |

Things That Are Awesome! @Jack Twitter CEO Pwned on His Own Platform

So this person wins the internet.


@Jack's statement in the matter is that it was due to an internal problem. LMAO internal problem

For a while late Tuesday, attempts to reach Jack Dorsey's profile produced an error message saying it had been suspended. That prompted speculation his account might have been hacked or automatically shut down because of a high number of complaints from other users.
After it came back online, Dorsey tweeted that the suspension was the result of "an internal mistake."

Epic....


By Howie at 09:08 AM | Comments |

November 15, 2016

Confirmed: Han Solo Poked The Princess

We at Jawa Report have always been fans of Han Solo, but now we're pretty sure he's the coolest dude in the Galaxy.

While Fisher has hinted in the past that the pair may have fooled around, she gets down and dirty in the book, revealing that he allegedly got her drunk and seduced her during filming, part of which took place in Tunisia.

The pair wound up in bed after Ford, who is now 74, offered to drive a “wine sodden” Fisher home, she says.

The only problem is that the Princess doesn't remember all that much about it.
In one entry, she says she tried “relentlessly” to make Ford love her and came up with fantasies of Ford proposing to her with a “gold band with diamonds (inscribed) ‘Carrison.'”

In her book, Fisher notes that she’s fuzzy on the details of her and Ford’s three-month relationship because of ”the brutal strength of Harrison’s preferred strain of pot.”

Damn, you mean I had a chance?


By Howie at 02:57 PM | Comments |

November 14, 2016

Sweet Georgia Brown

I mean her name might have been Georgia, I knew a girl named that back in the day.

By Howie at 10:14 AM | Comments |

November 02, 2016

Cubs Win!

I was so sure it could not happen I've never allowed myself to think it. I mean I wasn't going to go against a curse man.

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BTW, has anyone checked Hell to see if everything is alright?


*Anyway the Cubs have oddly enough saved the Obama Presidency from total failure.

By Howie at 11:45 PM | Comments |

October 19, 2016

Latina Voter Sexually Assaults NPR's David Greene on Live Radio

I didn't hear David invite Ms. Font to kiss him?

Even more shocking, in a fit of revenge he sexually assaults her back!

DIANA FONT: I'm Diana Font. Nice to meet you.

GREENE: Nice to meet you.

FONT: OK. Puerto Ricans, (kissing on cheek) we say hello like this.

GREENE: Oh, good. Oh, good (kissing on cheek).

What shocking and disgusting display of Patriarchal rape culture!

It's the oppression of the Patriarchy that has led Ms. Font to believe that she should offer kisses to strange men to be acceptable and for Mr. Greene to believe that reciprocating this sickening tradition is expected of him.

*One thing for sure, neither one of these cave dwelling neanderthals is qualified to be President of the United States of America, not in today's progressive society!

*so how'ed I do?

By Howie at 02:15 PM | Comments |

October 12, 2016

Sandcrawler PSA: Seek Medical Help For Erection Lasting More Than Four Hours

This election, it's crazy man.

Hey ladies, that's about enough of that locker room banter there.

By Howie at 09:52 AM | Comments |

October 04, 2016

Sandcrawler PSA: Not A Big Wheel

I've been reading a lot about Vinnie and his Big Wheel causing a scene in Philadelphia.

I just wanted to point out that THIS IS NOT A BIG WHEEL!

Big Wheel's rear wheels are fixed and the front wheel is used to turn. Clearly this is not a Big Wheel its a Mean Machine! Mean Machines have a fixed front wheel and turns using two levers to move the back wheels.

So clearly this is a Mean Machine, though with a newer modified high performance front wheel to allow it to reach near interstate speeds.

By Howie at 12:32 PM | Comments |

September 20, 2016

Where's Dr. Rusty Shackleford? Return of Angelina Jolie Edition

Rusty is out, he's um, waiting patiently in a tree near Angelina Jolie's estate.

At the center of the shocking divorce between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie is Greenpeace spokeswoman Marion Cotillard, according to an exclusive story in the New York Post.

A private investigator hired by Jolie caught Pitt having an affair with the French activist, who is the female lead in Pitt’s upcoming Allied film, according to the report.

Cotillard has posited “that 9/11 was a conspiracy designed to renovate the Twin Towers without having to pay for costly rewiring,” according to New York Magazine..

Cotillard has also argued in defense of the conspiracy that the United States never landed a man on the moon.



By Howie at 12:31 PM | Comments |

September 17, 2016

And Now A Relaxing Little Jawa Intermission

You worked hard, unwind....

There, you feel better now?

By Howie at 12:06 PM | Comments |

September 07, 2016

Make 'Merca Great Intenet Videos

Maybe the internet is about to get its second wind?

Well played, very well played.

Hat tip: Carmine.

By Howie at 06:37 PM | Comments |

September 02, 2016

Rocket Porn

The SpaceX boomah!


Good part around 1:05

Slomo


By Howie at 03:34 PM | Comments |

August 31, 2016

Sandcrawler Announcements : The Ultimate Islamic Shoe Fighters League

First in the arena Sunni vs Shia, next week Sufis play Ibadis.


I'm not sure how to score that as of yet. I believe they use a system similar to Rugby.

By Howie at 02:20 PM | Comments |

August 29, 2016

Not Gene Wilder!


Gene was there at the very height of cinematic achievement known as Young Frankenschtein.

What knockers!

By Howie at 02:34 PM | Comments |

August 26, 2016

Pepe'!

I don't know, we're supposed to be running around shouting Pepe'! all day.

Something about the Tilde White? I don't know.

By Howie at 08:15 AM | Comments |

August 18, 2016

Pull!


'Mercia!

By Howie at 08:22 AM | Comments |

July 27, 2016

Sandcrawler PSA: Vaginal Atrophy And You

If you're like Rusty's wife and suffer from um, you know, intimate atrophy don't use Vitamin E on your most sensitive areas.

And now, thanks to Khloé Kardashian women can feel confident in talking openly about Vaginal Atrophy,

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No joke: Vitamin E may strengthen vaginal lining! Moisturize your labia and vagina with Vitamin E oil to combat dryness and soothe irritation.

Um, don't really do that. Let Jawa Report do it for you.

That's right we're starting a new therepetic service to our younger and hotter lesbian readers. Avoid the discomfort and pain of Vaginal Atrophy. Call today!

By Howie at 09:55 AM | Comments |

July 25, 2016

Sandcrawler PSA: Keep Your Hands and Feet Inside the Vehicle at All Times

And do not roll down your windows.


Looks like I need to add stay in the car to that list. But hey their windows were all up!

A tourist was killed by a tiger and another seriously injured after getting out of their car while touring a safari park in China.

An investigation was launched into the deadly incident at the Badaling Wildlife Park in Beijing.

Surveillance video captured the moment when two visitors in the front seats of a white sedan reportedly got into an argument while driving through the tiger enclosure on Saturday.

In the video, a woman is seen getting out of the car and walking around to the driver's side door when a tiger suddenly attacks her from behind and drags her off.

Now watch, that woman's stupidity will end up costing the tiger his life.
The male driver immediately chases after them but retreats. A second woman in the back of the car joins the rescue attempt but authorities said she was killed by another tiger.

Park workers were on the scene within seconds but they were too late to save the victim.

By Howie at 02:52 PM | Comments |

July 12, 2016

Sandcrawler PSA: Don't Drink With Whites

They'll get you AFU!


Especially Vinnie! He'll get you so drunk yo might post this.

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He inserted ignornant!

By Howie at 07:41 AM | Comments |

July 06, 2016

That Time Randy Quaid Made Sense

He's baaaack!



By Howie at 09:54 AM | Comments |

Quote of the Year

Has just been made by Twister Sister's web blogger, Terry Sapp, "This festival sucked donkey balls – big hairy brown donkey balls.

Then I got to thinking, that's EXACTLY WHAT EVERYONE IS THINKING ABOUT 2016.

Everyone Agrees!

hillary-clinton-thumbs-up.jpg

Yup.

trumpdonkeyballs.jpg


Uh huh?

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Listen to me now!

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By Howie at 07:45 AM | Comments |

June 08, 2016

On the Lamb

Heh,


A herd of over a thousand sheep invaded the town of Huesca in Spain after escaping their owners and breaking for freedom. Local police received emergency calls that the livestock had entered the town.

Freedom!

By Howie at 09:22 AM | Comments |

June 01, 2016

#Rancorlivesmatter!

He was just doing what came naturally.



By Howie at 03:52 PM | Comments |

May 31, 2016

Space Aliens! 100% Total Proof!

WTF is that!?!?

Maw, you see this?

By Howie at 12:51 PM | Comments |

May 03, 2016

Look Out Ethel!


By Howie at 08:22 AM | Comments |

Rusty Shackleford World Traveler: Bangaii Edition

Rusty is continuing his word travels, exchanging ideas and culture in Indonesia.

The tale begins in Bangaii, days after an auspicious solar eclipse appeared over the region. A 21-year-old fisherman was walking the beach when he spotted a beautiful, lonely angel on the sand. Naturally, he took her appearance as a sign from heaven and he gently bundled her up and took her home.

There, he attired her in a blouse and skirt, which his parents changed daily as a sign of respect. Intrigued by reports (or maybe just really bored), local police visited the house to see the angel for themselves.

"It was a sex toy," police chief Heru Pramukarno told a local newspaper.

As a semi-famous man once said, Heh....

By Howie at 07:50 AM | Comments |

April 22, 2016

Vader Fires King BO

LOL of the day.


Damn if he'd put hat on youtube with ads he would have made more money than Subway would have paid in ten years probably.

By Howie at 07:42 AM | Comments |

April 21, 2016

RIP Prince



By Howie at 12:46 PM | Comments |

Hairdryers! F*ck Yeah!



By Howie at 09:10 AM | Comments |

April 12, 2016

Jawa Book Review Trans-Racial

I'm willing to actually read and review Rachel's novel for a small fee of say $20,000.



By Howie at 12:33 PM | Comments |

April 11, 2016

Where's Howie?

Guz told me it was a three hour tour!

Three men were rescued Thursday from the Pacific Ocean island where they had been stranded for three days, after flagging down rescuers with palm fronds used to spell out "HELP," the U.S. Coast Guard said Friday.

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A photo of their makeshift announcement on the beach was released on Facebook Saturday by the U.S. Pacific Fleet, capturing the dramatic work of the stranded men in flagging down their rescuers.

By Howie at 11:07 AM | Comments |

March 30, 2016

PepperSprayGate!

So I dunno, I'm old fashioned, I don't think XX chromosome and being young and stupid means that the rest of the world has to put up with your...


That will probably heal before she marries.

Update: Fat Guy in the Red Hat doesn't do himself any favors either.

By Howie at 08:36 AM | Comments |

March 23, 2016

Sandcrawler PSA: Fire! Its Hot!

No matter how simple the concept there are those who must learn it the hard way.

She was wearing her hot pants.

A bizarre video has surfaced online, showing a woman who set her vagina on fire during a dance competition.

The Flaming Lips! LOL!

Obviously rubbing alcohol is racist!

By Howie at 02:05 PM | Comments |

March 14, 2016

Sandcrawler PSA: Sores Are Puss-ey And Gross

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT put Happy Faces on them!


Don't you ever do that!

By Howie at 08:50 AM | Comments |

March 07, 2016

Houston We Have Yet Another Problem

Don't look Ethel!


Kids, this is what York Peppermint Patties will do to ya.

Hit it!

Hat Tip: @Hiss_N_Bytch

By Howie at 11:46 AM | Comments |

Sandcrawler PSA: Man's Gotta Eat

Yes, but I think in this case, man's gotta drink.

Brisbane (Australia) (AFP) - A man known as "Mad Matt" appeared in an Australian court Monday after filming himself allegedly biting the head off a live rat and posting the video on Facebook.

Matthew Maloney, 24, was charged with animal cruelty following a raid by RSPCA investigators after the bizarre stunt in January.

After a string of comments branding him disgusting, Maloney posted a reply.

"All your comments are cracking me up and not one person out there will be able to say anything that will make me feel bad or make me regret what i did," he wrote.

"Its mother nature and mans gotta eat!"

If you must.

By Howie at 10:06 AM | Comments |