October 19, 2016

Latina Voter Sexually Assaults NPR's David Greene on Live Radio

I didn't hear David invite Ms. Font to kiss him?

Even more shocking, in a fit of revenge he sexually assaults her back!

DIANA FONT: I'm Diana Font. Nice to meet you.

GREENE: Nice to meet you.

FONT: OK. Puerto Ricans, (kissing on cheek) we say hello like this.

GREENE: Oh, good. Oh, good (kissing on cheek).

What shocking and disgusting display of Patriarchal rape culture!

It's the oppression of the Patriarchy that has led Ms. Font to believe that she should offer kisses to strange men to be acceptable and for Mr. Greene to believe that reciprocating this sickening tradition is expected of him.

*One thing for sure, neither one of these cave dwelling neanderthals is qualified to be President of the United States of America, not in today's progressive society!

*so how'ed I do?

By Howie at 02:15 PM | Comments |

October 12, 2016

Sandcrawler PSA: Seek Medical Help For Erection Lasting More Than Four Hours

This election, it's crazy man.

Hey ladies, that's about enough of that locker room banter there.

By Howie at 09:52 AM | Comments |

October 04, 2016

Sandcrawler PSA: Not A Big Wheel

I've been reading a lot about Vinnie and his Big Wheel causing a scene in Philadelphia.

I just wanted to point out that THIS IS NOT A BIG WHEEL!

Big Wheel's rear wheels are fixed and the front wheel is used to turn. Clearly this is not a Big Wheel its a Mean Machine! Mean Machines have a fixed front wheel and turns using two levers to move the back wheels.

So clearly this is a Mean Machine, though with a newer modified high performance front wheel to allow it to reach near interstate speeds.

By Howie at 12:32 PM | Comments |

September 20, 2016

Where's Dr. Rusty Shackleford? Return of Angelina Jolie Edition

Rusty is out, he's um, waiting patiently in a tree near Angelina Jolie's estate.

At the center of the shocking divorce between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie is Greenpeace spokeswoman Marion Cotillard, according to an exclusive story in the New York Post.

A private investigator hired by Jolie caught Pitt having an affair with the French activist, who is the female lead in Pitt’s upcoming Allied film, according to the report.

Cotillard has posited “that 9/11 was a conspiracy designed to renovate the Twin Towers without having to pay for costly rewiring,” according to New York Magazine..

Cotillard has also argued in defense of the conspiracy that the United States never landed a man on the moon.

By Howie at 12:31 PM | Comments |

September 17, 2016

And Now A Relaxing Little Jawa Intermission

You worked hard, unwind....

There, you feel better now?

By Howie at 12:06 PM | Comments |

September 07, 2016

Make 'Merca Great Intenet Videos

Maybe the internet is about to get its second wind?

Well played, very well played.

Hat tip: Carmine.

By Howie at 06:37 PM | Comments |

September 02, 2016

Rocket Porn

The SpaceX boomah!

Good part around 1:05


By Howie at 03:34 PM | Comments |

August 31, 2016

Sandcrawler Announcements : The Ultimate Islamic Shoe Fighters League

First in the arena Sunni vs Shia, next week Sufis play Ibadis.

I'm not sure how to score that as of yet. I believe they use a system similar to Rugby.

By Howie at 02:20 PM | Comments |

August 29, 2016

Not Gene Wilder!

Gene was there at the very height of cinematic achievement known as Young Frankenschtein.

What knockers!

By Howie at 02:34 PM | Comments |

August 26, 2016


I don't know, we're supposed to be running around shouting Pepe'! all day.

Something about the Tilde White? I don't know.

By Howie at 08:15 AM | Comments |

August 18, 2016



By Howie at 08:22 AM | Comments |

July 27, 2016

Sandcrawler PSA: Vaginal Atrophy And You

If you're like Rusty's wife and suffer from um, you know, intimate atrophy don't use Vitamin E on your most sensitive areas.

And now, thanks to Khloé Kardashian women can feel confident in talking openly about Vaginal Atrophy,


No joke: Vitamin E may strengthen vaginal lining! Moisturize your labia and vagina with Vitamin E oil to combat dryness and soothe irritation.

Um, don't really do that. Let Jawa Report do it for you.

That's right we're starting a new therepetic service to our younger and hotter lesbian readers. Avoid the discomfort and pain of Vaginal Atrophy. Call today!

By Howie at 09:55 AM | Comments |

July 25, 2016

Sandcrawler PSA: Keep Your Hands and Feet Inside the Vehicle at All Times

And do not roll down your windows.

Looks like I need to add stay in the car to that list. But hey their windows were all up!

A tourist was killed by a tiger and another seriously injured after getting out of their car while touring a safari park in China.

An investigation was launched into the deadly incident at the Badaling Wildlife Park in Beijing.

Surveillance video captured the moment when two visitors in the front seats of a white sedan reportedly got into an argument while driving through the tiger enclosure on Saturday.

In the video, a woman is seen getting out of the car and walking around to the driver's side door when a tiger suddenly attacks her from behind and drags her off.

Now watch, that woman's stupidity will end up costing the tiger his life.
The male driver immediately chases after them but retreats. A second woman in the back of the car joins the rescue attempt but authorities said she was killed by another tiger.

Park workers were on the scene within seconds but they were too late to save the victim.

By Howie at 02:52 PM | Comments |

July 12, 2016

Sandcrawler PSA: Don't Drink With Whites

They'll get you AFU!

Especially Vinnie! He'll get you so drunk yo might post this.


He inserted ignornant!

By Howie at 07:41 AM | Comments |

July 06, 2016

That Time Randy Quaid Made Sense

He's baaaack!

By Howie at 09:54 AM | Comments |

Quote of the Year

Has just been made by Twister Sister's web blogger, Terry Sapp, "This festival sucked donkey balls – big hairy brown donkey balls.

Then I got to thinking, that's EXACTLY WHAT EVERYONE IS THINKING ABOUT 2016.

Everyone Agrees!




Uh huh?


Listen to me now!


By Howie at 07:45 AM | Comments |

June 08, 2016

On the Lamb


A herd of over a thousand sheep invaded the town of Huesca in Spain after escaping their owners and breaking for freedom. Local police received emergency calls that the livestock had entered the town.


By Howie at 09:22 AM | Comments |

June 01, 2016


He was just doing what came naturally.

By Howie at 03:52 PM | Comments |

May 31, 2016

Space Aliens! 100% Total Proof!

WTF is that!?!?

Maw, you see this?

By Howie at 12:51 PM | Comments |

May 03, 2016

Look Out Ethel!

By Howie at 08:22 AM | Comments |

Rusty Shackleford World Traveler: Bangaii Edition

Rusty is continuing his word travels, exchanging ideas and culture in Indonesia.

The tale begins in Bangaii, days after an auspicious solar eclipse appeared over the region. A 21-year-old fisherman was walking the beach when he spotted a beautiful, lonely angel on the sand. Naturally, he took her appearance as a sign from heaven and he gently bundled her up and took her home.

There, he attired her in a blouse and skirt, which his parents changed daily as a sign of respect. Intrigued by reports (or maybe just really bored), local police visited the house to see the angel for themselves.

"It was a sex toy," police chief Heru Pramukarno told a local newspaper.

As a semi-famous man once said, Heh....

By Howie at 07:50 AM | Comments |

April 22, 2016

Vader Fires King BO

LOL of the day.

Damn if he'd put hat on youtube with ads he would have made more money than Subway would have paid in ten years probably.

By Howie at 07:42 AM | Comments |

April 21, 2016

RIP Prince

By Howie at 12:46 PM | Comments |

Hairdryers! F*ck Yeah!

By Howie at 09:10 AM | Comments |

April 12, 2016

Jawa Book Review Trans-Racial

I'm willing to actually read and review Rachel's novel for a small fee of say $20,000.

By Howie at 12:33 PM | Comments |

April 11, 2016

Where's Howie?

Guz told me it was a three hour tour!

Three men were rescued Thursday from the Pacific Ocean island where they had been stranded for three days, after flagging down rescuers with palm fronds used to spell out "HELP," the U.S. Coast Guard said Friday.


A photo of their makeshift announcement on the beach was released on Facebook Saturday by the U.S. Pacific Fleet, capturing the dramatic work of the stranded men in flagging down their rescuers.

By Howie at 11:07 AM | Comments |

March 30, 2016


So I dunno, I'm old fashioned, I don't think XX chromosome and being young and stupid means that the rest of the world has to put up with your...

That will probably heal before she marries.

Update: Fat Guy in the Red Hat doesn't do himself any favors either.

By Howie at 08:36 AM | Comments |

March 23, 2016

Sandcrawler PSA: Fire! Its Hot!

No matter how simple the concept there are those who must learn it the hard way.

She was wearing her hot pants.

A bizarre video has surfaced online, showing a woman who set her vagina on fire during a dance competition.

The Flaming Lips! LOL!

Obviously rubbing alcohol is racist!

By Howie at 02:05 PM | Comments |

March 14, 2016

Sandcrawler PSA: Sores Are Puss-ey And Gross

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT put Happy Faces on them!

Don't you ever do that!

By Howie at 08:50 AM | Comments |

March 07, 2016

Houston We Have Yet Another Problem

Don't look Ethel!

Kids, this is what York Peppermint Patties will do to ya.

Hit it!

Hat Tip: @Hiss_N_Bytch

By Howie at 11:46 AM | Comments |

Sandcrawler PSA: Man's Gotta Eat

Yes, but I think in this case, man's gotta drink.

Brisbane (Australia) (AFP) - A man known as "Mad Matt" appeared in an Australian court Monday after filming himself allegedly biting the head off a live rat and posting the video on Facebook.

Matthew Maloney, 24, was charged with animal cruelty following a raid by RSPCA investigators after the bizarre stunt in January.

After a string of comments branding him disgusting, Maloney posted a reply.

"All your comments are cracking me up and not one person out there will be able to say anything that will make me feel bad or make me regret what i did," he wrote.

"Its mother nature and mans gotta eat!"

If you must.

By Howie at 10:06 AM | Comments |

February 17, 2016

Islamic Science! Jinns Like Hot Chicks

Heh, if you're going to poses someone possess a hot chick.

Mallam Luthfi Jamal-Baba said that although men can be inhabited by 'jinns' (roughly, spirits), beautiful women are more prone to possession.

Image credit for Host Possessed chicks

An Islamic exorcist has made the bizarre claim that beautiful women are more likely to be possessed by evil spirits.

Mallam Luthfi Jamal-Baba, an Imam and exorcist from Ghana, west Africa, said that although men can be inhabited by 'jinns' (spirits), beautiful women are more prone to possession.

By Howie at 09:12 AM | Comments |

February 08, 2016

Millions of Hopes Dashed as SMOD Finally Strikes Killing Only One (update_: Never Mind Just a Terrorist)

SMOD why hast thou forsaken us?

Indian officials say a meteorite struck the campus of a private engineering college on Saturday, killing one person. If scientists confirm the explosion was due to a meteorite, it would be the first recorded human fatality due to a falling space rock.

According to local reports, a bus driver was killed on Saturday when a meteorite landed in the area where he was walking, damaging the window panes of nearby buses and buildings. Three other people were injured.

Update: No meteorite was found and the crater appears to have been from an explosive device. After examination the meteor shards were determined to be rocks of the type space scientists classify as J.A.F.R.

So in other words the guy was just another victim of Islamic Terrorism, not a meteor.


By Howie at 01:02 PM | Comments |

January 26, 2016

Noooooooo! Not Abe!

And he took one of the internet's best memes with him.

Update: This is all Dave's fault!

By Howie at 02:33 PM | Comments |

Outrage! Star Wars VIII Delayed Till Dec 2017

We now go to our entertainment corespondent Donald Trump.

By Howie at 12:11 PM | Comments |

December 30, 2015

Video Watch Chilean Fishermen Finish off Drowning Whale

Bless their hearts, They were only trying to help.

Story to tell the kids here.

Daily Mail:

After dragging it for some 5 kilometres, the whale was cut free from the rope and able to glide off into the water.
Yeah kids it just glided..... strait to the bottom.

By Howie at 09:59 AM | Comments |

November 01, 2015

RIP Fred Thompson

Fred Thomson Died today from lymphoma

Fred Thompson, an actor who became a US senator for Tennessee and ran for the presidency in 2008, has died. He was 73.

A statement from the Thompson family said: “It is with a heavy heart and a deep sense of grief that we share the passing of our brother, husband, father, and grandfather who died peacefully in Nashville surrounded by his family.”

The statement, which the Tennessean newspaper reported said Thompson died from a recurrence of lymphoma, added: “Fred believed that the greatness of our nation was defined by the hard work, faith, and honesty of its people.

Fred was also as you know an actor, Variety also has an obit here.
After Thompson’s acting role in “Marie,” director Roger Donaldson then cast him in “No Way Out” (1987) opposite Kevin Costner and Gene Hackman, and Thompson quickly got the reputation as an actor who could portray a high-powered politican.

He would go on to appear in films “Die Hard 2,” “The Hunt for Red October” and “Days of Thunder” in the ’90s before joining “Law & Order.”

Thompson joined the NBC procedural in 2002, during the final months of his Senate run. He left in 2007, most likely to prepare for his presidential bid that would come that year.

His other film credits include “Cape Fear,” “In the Line of Fire,” “Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee,” “Thunderheart” and “Born Yesterday.” He also appeared on episodes of “Sex and the City,” “The Good Wife,” “Life on Mars,” “Wiseguy,” “Roseanne” and “Matlock.”

Yes, I see those elephants over there, not gonna do it, wouldn't be prudent.

Anyway the most endearing feature of Fred was his voice, that easy going southern good ol' boy voice.


His Official obit is here at the Tennessean.

By Howie at 08:37 PM | Comments |

October 21, 2015

Nooooooooo! Not Cory Wells!

Yeah so I was raised by hippies and WWII vets I can do Porter Wagoner or 3 Dog Night. I'm cool like that.

Three Dog Night co-founder and vocalist Cory Wells died Tuesday, according to the band's website. He was 74.

"It is with deep sadness and disbelief that I must report the passing of Cory Wells, my beloved band mate for over 45 years," Three Dog Night's Danny Hutton wrote in a press release. "Cory was an incredible singer – a great performer, he could sing anything."

I sang 3 Dog Night in Sunday school, giving away the fact my Parents had Easy Rider on 8-Track.


Hat Tip: el Chapo.

By Howie at 08:55 PM | Comments |