January 09, 2017
Deleted scene from star wars rogue😂😂 pic.twitter.com/b7vPzxqq9H— Funny Brawls (@FunnyBrawls) December 29, 2016
January 04, 2017
And Now a Message From Darth Spitz
Once more the Spitz will rule The Galaxy!
December 28, 2016
Debbie Reynolds Dies One Day After Carrie Fisher
Debbie Reynolds, the Oscar-nominated singer-actress who was the mother of late actress Carrie Fisher, has died at Cedars-Sinai hospital. She was 84.
“She wanted to be with Carrie,” her son Todd Fisher told Variety.
She was taken to the hospital from Todd Fisher’s Beverly Hills house Wednesday after a suspected stroke, the day after her daughter Carrie Fisher died.
December 27, 2016
The Princess Has Passed - Drowned In Moonlight, Strangled By Her Own Bra
We at Jawa Report are on mourning. Carrie Fisher has passed away.
Carrie Fisher died Tuesday morning ... days after suffering a massive heart attack on board a flight from London to LAX ... a family spokesperson has confirmed.We just ran one of Carrie's tweet's last week.
TMZ broke the story ... Fisher was on a flight from London to LAX Friday when she suffered the heart attack 15 minutes before landing. People on the plane tell TMZ she appeared lifeless.
Image credit: Rolling Stone.
A passenger who's an EMT performed CPR on Carrie and once the flight landed, paramedics rushed her to UCLA Medical Center where she remained in intensive care until her death.
The family had said she was in "stable condition" but we're told she was not responsive after her medical emergency.
Star Wars actress Carrie Fisher has died aged 60. Here's what we know so far. https://t.co/ly4AmZfbZa— Sky News (@SkyNews) December 27, 2016
[UPDATE By DMartyr]: I just wanted to add, here and in title, Carrie Fisher drowned in moonlight, strangled by her bra. Goodnight, Princess.
December 22, 2016
Merry Christmas Jawas
Hat Tip: Twitchy.
Update: Now Jingle Bells.
Wait a minute, that's not a wookie...
December 09, 2016
Jawa Christ-O-Hannukah Special
I'm going to hell, aren't I?
November 28, 2016
Sandcrawler PSA: Save Bigfoot!
Bigfoot is an endangered species, I mean super duper endangered.
November 25, 2016
Sandcrawler Closed: RIP Mrs. Brady
Florence Henderson, who began her career as an ingénue soprano in stage musicals in the 1950s but made a more lasting impression on television, as the perky 1970s sitcom mom on “The Brady Bunch,” died Thursday. She was 82.
Image Credit Very Brady Blog
Her death was confirmed by David Brokaw, her publicist. He said she died at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles of what the family described as heart failure.
November 23, 2016
Revenge of the Squirrels
Howard Brookins Jr., the alderman for Chicago’s 21st ward, had publicly spoken out about a toothy menace plaguing the city’s garbage carts: urban squirrels, which in Brookins’s view were “aggressive,” and aggressively damaging the trash cart lids.Know the powah of the Dark Side!
He now has another reason to dislike the rodents. One recently sent him to the hospital with a skull fracture in a “freak bicycle accident,” as the alderman wrote on Facebook.
Brookins was biking along Cal-Sag Trail on Nov. 13, when a squirrel darted into his path. The squirrel cut Brookins’s bike trip short by wrapping itself in the spokes of the alderman’s bicycle. The alderman flipped over the handlebars and landed with such a severe impact that he fractured his skull, broke his nose and knocked out a handful of teeth, the Chicago Tribune reported. A woman who passed by called 911. Brookins was only able to leave the hospital Thursday.
Things That Are Awesome! @Jack Twitter CEO Pwned on His Own Platform
So this person wins the internet.
For a while late Tuesday, attempts to reach Jack Dorsey's profile produced an error message saying it had been suspended. That prompted speculation his account might have been hacked or automatically shut down because of a high number of complaints from other users.
After it came back online, Dorsey tweeted that the suspension was the result of "an internal mistake."
November 15, 2016
Confirmed: Han Solo Poked The Princess
While Fisher has hinted in the past that the pair may have fooled around, she gets down and dirty in the book, revealing that he allegedly got her drunk and seduced her during filming, part of which took place in Tunisia.The only problem is that the Princess doesn't remember all that much about it.
The pair wound up in bed after Ford, who is now 74, offered to drive a “wine sodden” Fisher home, she says.
In one entry, she says she tried “relentlessly” to make Ford love her and came up with fantasies of Ford proposing to her with a “gold band with diamonds (inscribed) ‘Carrison.'”Damn, you mean I had a chance?
In her book, Fisher notes that she’s fuzzy on the details of her and Ford’s three-month relationship because of ”the brutal strength of Harrison’s preferred strain of pot.”
November 14, 2016
Sweet Georgia Brown
I mean her name might have been Georgia, I knew a girl named that back in the day.
November 02, 2016
I was so sure it could not happen I've never allowed myself to think it. I mean I wasn't going to go against a curse man.
BTW, has anyone checked Hell to see if everything is alright?
*Anyway the Cubs have oddly enough saved the Obama Presidency from total failure.
October 19, 2016
Latina Voter Sexually Assaults NPR's David Greene on Live Radio
I didn't hear David invite Ms. Font to kiss him?
DIANA FONT: I'm Diana Font. Nice to meet you.What shocking and disgusting display of Patriarchal rape culture!
GREENE: Nice to meet you.
FONT: OK. Puerto Ricans, (kissing on cheek) we say hello like this.
GREENE: Oh, good. Oh, good (kissing on cheek).
It's the oppression of the Patriarchy that has led Ms. Font to believe that she should offer kisses to strange men to be acceptable and for Mr. Greene to believe that reciprocating this sickening tradition is expected of him.
*One thing for sure, neither one of these cave dwelling neanderthals is qualified to be President of the United States of America, not in today's progressive society!
*so how'ed I do?
October 12, 2016
Sandcrawler PSA: Seek Medical Help For Erection Lasting More Than Four Hours
This election, it's crazy man.
Hey ladies, that's about enough of that locker room banter there.
October 04, 2016
Sandcrawler PSA: Not A Big Wheel
I just wanted to point out that THIS IS NOT A BIG WHEEL!
Big Wheel's rear wheels are fixed and the front wheel is used to turn. Clearly this is not a Big Wheel its a Mean Machine! Mean Machines have a fixed front wheel and turns using two levers to move the back wheels.
So clearly this is a Mean Machine, though with a newer modified high performance front wheel to allow it to reach near interstate speeds.
September 20, 2016
Where's Dr. Rusty Shackleford? Return of Angelina Jolie Edition
At the center of the shocking divorce between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie is Greenpeace spokeswoman Marion Cotillard, according to an exclusive story in the New York Post.
A private investigator hired by Jolie caught Pitt having an affair with the French activist, who is the female lead in Pitt’s upcoming Allied film, according to the report.
Cotillard has posited “that 9/11 was a conspiracy designed to renovate the Twin Towers without having to pay for costly rewiring,” according to New York Magazine..
Cotillard has also argued in defense of the conspiracy that the United States never landed a man on the moon.
September 17, 2016
And Now A Relaxing Little Jawa Intermission
You worked hard, unwind....
There, you feel better now?
September 07, 2016
Make 'Merca Great Intenet Videos
Maybe the internet is about to get its second wind?
Well played, very well played.
Hat tip: Carmine.
September 02, 2016
The SpaceX boomah!
Good part around 1:05
August 31, 2016
Sandcrawler Announcements : The Ultimate Islamic Shoe Fighters League
First in the arena Sunni vs Shia, next week Sufis play Ibadis.
I'm not sure how to score that as of yet. I believe they use a system similar to Rugby.
August 29, 2016
Not Gene Wilder!
Heartbreaking. https://t.co/apkGXAO3sN— Megyn Kelly (@megynkelly) August 29, 2016
Gene was there at the very height of cinematic achievement known as Young Frankenschtein.
August 26, 2016
I don't know, we're supposed to be running around shouting Pepe'! all day.
Something about the Tilde White? I don't know.
August 18, 2016
(Vine by American Flag Shotgun Guy) https://t.co/hPf5x9tAFC— JKO (@jko417) August 17, 2016
July 27, 2016
Sandcrawler PSA: Vaginal Atrophy And You
If you're like Rusty's wife and suffer from um, you know, intimate atrophy don't use Vitamin E on your most sensitive areas.
And now, thanks to Khloé Kardashian women can feel confident in talking openly about Vaginal Atrophy,Um, don't really do that. Let Jawa Report do it for you.
No joke: Vitamin E may strengthen vaginal lining! Moisturize your labia and vagina with Vitamin E oil to combat dryness and soothe irritation.
That's right we're starting a new therepetic service to our younger and hotter lesbian readers. Avoid the discomfort and pain of Vaginal Atrophy. Call today!
July 25, 2016
Sandcrawler PSA: Keep Your Hands and Feet Inside the Vehicle at All Times
And do not roll down your windows.
Video footage showing tiger attack at Beijing Badaling Wildlife World releasedhttps://t.co/KtRKm35rlq— CCTVNEWS (@cctvnews) July 24, 2016
Looks like I need to add stay in the car to that list. But hey their windows were all up!
A tourist was killed by a tiger and another seriously injured after getting out of their car while touring a safari park in China.Now watch, that woman's stupidity will end up costing the tiger his life.
An investigation was launched into the deadly incident at the Badaling Wildlife Park in Beijing.
Surveillance video captured the moment when two visitors in the front seats of a white sedan reportedly got into an argument while driving through the tiger enclosure on Saturday.
In the video, a woman is seen getting out of the car and walking around to the driver's side door when a tiger suddenly attacks her from behind and drags her off.
The male driver immediately chases after them but retreats. A second woman in the back of the car joins the rescue attempt but authorities said she was killed by another tiger.
Park workers were on the scene within seconds but they were too late to save the victim.
July 12, 2016
Sandcrawler PSA: Don't Drink With Whites
Especially Vinnie! He'll get you so drunk yo might post this.
He inserted ignornant!
July 06, 2016
That Time Randy Quaid Made Sense
Quote of the Year
Has just been made by Twister Sister's web blogger, Terry Sapp, "This festival sucked donkey balls – big hairy brown donkey balls.
Then I got to thinking, that's EXACTLY WHAT EVERYONE IS THINKING ABOUT 2016.
Listen to me now!
June 23, 2016
A Jawa Shameless Promotion : Brad Thor's Foreign Agent
Do it nough!
June 14, 2016
RIP Space Alien ALF
Farewell little guy!
June 08, 2016
On the Lamb
A herd of over a thousand sheep invaded the town of Huesca in Spain after escaping their owners and breaking for freedom. Local police received emergency calls that the livestock had entered the town.
June 01, 2016
He was just doing what came naturally.
May 31, 2016
Space Aliens! 100% Total Proof!
Maw, you see this?
May 03, 2016
Look Out Ethel!
👮😂👌 Labor Day on May 1 in Berlin ... thick leftist shows the police her butt. pic.twitter.com/tWv3QWZF7F— Onlinemagazin (@OnlineMagazin) May 3, 2016
Rusty Shackleford World Traveler: Bangaii Edition
The tale begins in Bangaii, days after an auspicious solar eclipse appeared over the region. A 21-year-old fisherman was walking the beach when he spotted a beautiful, lonely angel on the sand. Naturally, he took her appearance as a sign from heaven and he gently bundled her up and took her home.As a semi-famous man once said, Heh....
There, he attired her in a blouse and skirt, which his parents changed daily as a sign of respect. Intrigued by reports (or maybe just really bored), local police visited the house to see the angel for themselves.
"It was a sex toy," police chief Heru Pramukarno told a local newspaper.
April 22, 2016
Vader Fires King BO
LOL of the day.
I got fired from subway 🙃 pic.twitter.com/PKmNnlPwJp— KING BO (@Prince__Suburan) March 29, 2016
Damn if he'd put hat on youtube with ads he would have made more money than Subway would have paid in ten years probably.