November 18, 2017

RIP Malcolm

Malcolm Young has passed away.

Today it is with deep heartfelt sadness that AC/DC has to announce the passing of Malcolm Young.

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Malcolm, along with Angus, was the founder and creator of AC/DC.
With enormous dedication and commitment he was the driving force behind the band.

As a guitarist, songwriter and visionary he was a perfectionist and a unique man.
He always stuck to his guns and did and said exactly what he wanted.
He took great pride in all that he endeavored. His loyalty to the fans was unsurpassed.

As his brother it is hard to express in words what he has meant to me during my life, the bond we had was unique and very special.

He leaves behind an enormous legacy that will live on forever.

Malcolm, job well done.

1/2 of the best guitar duo ever, truly a rocker all the way to the bone.

By Howie at 10:40 AM | Comments |

November 17, 2017

Sandcrawler PSA: No Dancing!

What a cute little puppy! Ahhhhhh!

By Howie at 09:46 AM | Comments |

November 03, 2017

Feel Good Video Of The Day



By Howie at 07:13 AM | Comments |

October 25, 2017

Jawa Hero Fats Domino Passes Away

We'll miss Fats... His composition covered by Cheap Trick is a fave among Zionist Internet Spies.

We promise to use it next time someone complains about a terrorist being droned.

By Howie at 12:54 PM | Comments |

October 17, 2017

Live Brooklyn Cowstream!

Run Bessie run!



Update: Brooklyn Cow is saved!

By Howie at 11:53 AM | Comments |

October 16, 2017

Juice!

I knew as soon as they let OJ out things would happen.


OMG!

By Howie at 08:07 AM | Comments |

September 29, 2017

Video: Progressive Democracy in Action

Is on the move in Uganda.

I dig that James Brown spin move the one dude makes. So cool.

By Howie at 09:29 AM | Comments |

August 21, 2017

Eclipse 2017! Live Coverage of The End of Civilization

It was nice knowing you guys.

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See you Tuesday! Oh yeah....um, have a nice day!

Update: 10:30 AM CDT: This ain't shit....

Update: 10:45 am CDT: THIS SUCKS!

Update: 11:01 am CDT: NASA is FOS!

Update: 11:20 am CDT: Fake News!

Update: 11:44 am CDT: Hoax!

Update: 11:53 am CDT: I can't believe I paid $200.00 for these glasses!

Update: 11:56 am CDT: Oh shit!

Updated: 12.04 pm CDT: That's no moon!

Update: 12:22 pm CDT: We're doomed!

Update: 01:31 pm CDT: Awesome!

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Image Credit Doug

Well I guess we're still here..... no rest for the wicked they say.

By Howie at 01:19 PM | Comments |

August 16, 2017

We're Saved!

Since John died I've been unable to predict the future. There are perilous times. America was just about to go in the shitter. But now!


By Howie at 03:49 PM | Comments |

August 10, 2017

Can You Help Out a Fellow American?

Who is working day in day out to secure his food supply?


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Now that is some funny shit right there. But Terrence needs to invite us to dinner. Ask Rusty, free food is like my Holy Grail.....

By Howie at 10:44 AM | Comments |

July 28, 2017

What Happened To Bilal Ahmed: Making it Big Edition

You know these Bilal Ahmed things usually end badly. But not this time!

“Since the death of his father, Bilal became the bread earner for us,” his mother Mugli Begum said, added that Bilal collected over 14,000 kg trash per year. “He didn't bear my pain while doing hard work, He abandoned studies to relieve my suffering,” she said.

Bilal, while narrating his story with this Correspondent at his Laharwarpora resident, said there is a lot of trash around Wular Lake. “It poisons water and since it impacts the prospect of tourists and what they think of the lake, I decided to clean it. I’ve been cleaning the lake from the year 2012,” Bilal says, adding that the work earns him about Rs. 6000 every month.

Bilal believes that he’s been largely alone in his quest to clean the lake

....When contacted SMC Commissioner Shafkat khan said that “Bilal is our brand ambassador. Bilal is an inspirational character for everyone. Since last five years Bilal has been earning his livelihood by cleaning the Wular Lake and removing garbage, used bottles and shoes.” Khan said that Bilal will get a special uniform of SMC and a vehicle to visit different areas to motivate people, shopkeepers and commuters to keep Wular clean. He will tell them the story of his life, his work in Wular and he will meet people to sensitise them about cleanliness and garbage disposal.

So I'm going to end the Bilal Ahmad series now before any more disasters befall him, let Bilal go out on a high note.

By Howie at 09:03 AM | Comments |

June 10, 2017

Batman is Dead

Adam West died last night.


Bummer.


By Howie at 11:49 AM | Comments |

June 02, 2017

Mike Huckabee Takes Internet

Everyday there is a winner on the internet, today that winner is Mike huckabee.



By Howie at 09:34 AM | Comments |

May 27, 2017

RIP Gregg Allman


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(Derek Trucks left Warren Haynes right)

By Howie at 06:37 PM | Comments |

May 17, 2017

A Jawa Prayer

Dear Lord please let this be true.


I promise to believe absolutely everything she says, no questions asked.

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So um what did ya'll want again?

By Howie at 07:39 AM | Comments |

May 15, 2017

The Maker Turns 73

Yesterday was Star Wars creator and the only man known to have banged Penny Marshall, Arthur C. Clarke's birthday!



By Howie at 10:44 AM | Comments |

Murphy Attends Wedding Party

Well on the bright side, um.... Ok so there is no bright side.



By Howie at 07:40 AM | Comments |

May 02, 2017

Cat-O-Phobia Strikes Oregon!

Legal weed does have its drawbacks.

Efforts to contact CAIR for a statement proved unfruitful.

By Howie at 07:02 AM | Comments |

May 01, 2017

Sandcrawler PSA: The Penalty For Blaspheming Kate Upton is Death

I hereby issue a death Fatwa against Andrew Stiles!

EDITORS' NOTE: This column by the disgraced former journalist Andrew Stiles originally appeared in the May 2017 issue of War Fancy magazine, the Free Beacon’s monthly print publication and the official magazine of the Backyard Axe Throwing League. Over the weekend, hundreds of subscribers wrote letters, sent emails, and posted on social media to express their rage in response to the columnist’s views. Many threatened to cancel their subscriptions, which is somewhat odd since the Free Beacon is, well, free. Staff writer Brent Scher threatened to resign. Free Beacon ombudsman Biff Diddle reported (by proxy) that his voicemail inbox was "more repugnant than the Port-a-Pots at Taco Fest" and "gave me flashbacks to Grenada." We have decided to republish the column here in furtherance of our ironclad commitment to free speech and unrestrained preemptive warfare in the battle for truth and enlightenment.


This. Shall. Not. Stand!

Mashallah!

By Howie at 09:58 AM | Comments |

April 21, 2017

Feel Good Video of The Day: Protestor Takes Friendly Skateboard to The Face

Not to mention the pepper spray.

Hat Tip: Chris.

By Howie at 01:19 PM | Comments |

Where's Howie?

I been on the phone.


By Howie at 07:57 AM | Comments |

April 19, 2017

History in The Making

Aaron Hernandez is totally 100% dead Jim.


He was a good player, in football. In life? Well.... not so much.

The media today sounding all "hurt" about it, but I can't tell if they mourn Aaron Hernandez himself, or the end of their Aaron Hernandez feeding frenzy.

See I used an Oxford comma that time, there is a pause..... You know for feeling.

By Howie at 07:10 AM | Comments |

April 11, 2017

RIP J Geils

Yes, you are getting old.


In fact its getting right out of hand.

By Howie at 08:00 PM | Comments |

Where's Howie: Thai Internet Cafe Edition

I was in Thailand, just hanging out in the interwebz when suddenly.

How do you say "Oh shit" in Thai?

By Howie at 02:36 PM | Comments |

April 06, 2017

The Force Awakens With Subtitles


By Howie at 09:50 AM | Comments |

April 04, 2017

Hard Luck: Teacher Almost Slipped The Surly Bonds of Earth

This man almost got lucky when his students poisoned his drink.

A North Carolina middle school student placed cleaning solution into a teacher’s drink last week, school officials confirmed to WNCN-TV on Monday, which led to the teacher’s hospitalization.

While the station said the cleaning solution was determined to be non-toxic, Jeffrey Jennings — a seventh-grade science teacher at East Lee Middle School in Sanford, North Carolina — became nauseated with a headache and had to go to an urgent care center after drinking the tainted soda on his desk Tuesday, his wife told WRAL-TV.

The station interviewed his wife about it.

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At last check Jeffrey Jennings was rocking back and forth in the corner crying to the Lord, "Take me! Take me!

Better luck next time.

By Howie at 08:19 AM | Comments |

March 22, 2017

Opportunity: Jarod Fogle Still Not Assraped in Federal Prison

Inmate Steve Nigg will probably never have to pay for his dinner when he is released.

It seems he BTFO Jarod Fogel in The Yard. He ended up in the hole and got shipped out. But now he gets lots of fanmail.

“I am writing to thank you for the beatdown you gave to Jared Fogle,” reads one of the countless letters sent to Steve Nigg since his January 2016 attack on the former Subway pitchman at their federal prison in Englewood, Colorado.
Just imagine the perks you could get! I mean if you could read Jawa Report in prison. But I hear word gets around so we've not lost hope yet.

By Howie at 07:26 AM | Comments |

March 19, 2017

RIP: Chuck

There was never any rest for the wicked.


By Howie at 09:32 AM | Comments |

March 03, 2017

The Lurid Tabloids on Bidens Hookers and Blo

I knew the Biden's were cool, but not this cool. Now Obama's reasoning for VP all makes sense. Not only was Biden seen as the wise level headed VP holding it all together, he also knew Betty White (wink wink, nod nod)

Former Vice President Joe Biden’s surviving son, Hunter, hasn’t just dumped his wife for his late brother’s widow, he has squandered his family’s money on hookers, strip clubs and drugs, according to divorce papers obtained by The Post.

The papers, filed last week by Hunter Biden’s soon-to-be ex, Kathleen, offer a sordid peek behind the squeaky-clean image of the popular ex-veep’s family.

“His spending rarely relates to legitimate family expenses, but focuses on his own travel (at times multiple hotel rooms on the same night), gifts for other women, alcohol, strip clubs, or other personal indulgences,” Kathleen Biden says of Hunter in the papers filed in Washington, DC, Superior Court on Feb. 23.

If there is a better way to deal with a family death from a brain cancer than booze, hookers and blo please let us know in the comments.

By Howie at 08:04 AM | Comments |

January 09, 2017

Rogue Life


By Howie at 02:28 PM | Comments |

January 04, 2017

And Now a Message From Darth Spitz

Once more the Spitz will rule The Galaxy!


By Howie at 06:10 PM | Comments |

December 28, 2016

Debbie Reynolds Dies One Day After Carrie Fisher

Debbie Reynolds became ill while making funeral arrangements for Carrie, she has passed away.

Debbie Reynolds, the Oscar-nominated singer-actress who was the mother of late actress Carrie Fisher, has died at Cedars-Sinai hospital. She was 84.

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“She wanted to be with Carrie,” her son Todd Fisher told Variety.

She was taken to the hospital from Todd Fisher’s Beverly Hills house Wednesday after a suspected stroke, the day after her daughter Carrie Fisher died.

By Howie at 09:07 PM | Comments |

December 27, 2016

The Princess Has Passed - Drowned In Moonlight, Strangled By Her Own Bra

We at Jawa Report are on mourning. Carrie Fisher has passed away.

Carrie Fisher died Tuesday morning ... days after suffering a massive heart attack on board a flight from London to LAX ... a family spokesperson has confirmed.

TMZ broke the story ... Fisher was on a flight from London to LAX Friday when she suffered the heart attack 15 minutes before landing. People on the plane tell TMZ she appeared lifeless.

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Image credit: Rolling Stone.

A passenger who's an EMT performed CPR on Carrie and once the flight landed, paramedics rushed her to UCLA Medical Center where she remained in intensive care until her death.

The family had said she was in "stable condition" but we're told she was not responsive after her medical emergency.

We just ran one of Carrie's tweet's last week.

RIP....


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[UPDATE By DMartyr]: I just wanted to add, here and in title, Carrie Fisher drowned in moonlight, strangled by her bra. Goodnight, Princess.

By Howie at 01:01 PM | Comments |

December 25, 2016

Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animals!

By DMartyr at 01:13 PM | Comments |

December 22, 2016

Merry Christmas Jawas

Hat Tip: Twitchy.

Update: Now Jingle Bells.

Wait a minute, that's not a wookie...

By Howie at 10:54 AM | Comments |

December 09, 2016

Jawa Christ-O-Hannukah Special

I'm going to hell, aren't I?

By Howie at 10:25 AM | Comments |

November 28, 2016

Sandcrawler PSA: Save Bigfoot!

Bigfoot is an endangered species, I mean super duper endangered.

By Howie at 09:43 AM | Comments |

November 25, 2016

Sandcrawler Closed: RIP Mrs. Brady

The Sandcrawler is closed for the day as we morn the passing of everyone's Mom.

Florence Henderson, who began her career as an ingénue soprano in stage musicals in the 1950s but made a more lasting impression on television, as the perky 1970s sitcom mom on “The Brady Bunch,” died Thursday. She was 82.

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Image Credit Very Brady Blog

Her death was confirmed by David Brokaw, her publicist. He said she died at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles of what the family described as heart failure.

By Howie at 08:46 AM | Comments |