June 10, 2017

Batman is Dead

Adam West died last night.


Bummer.


By Howie at 11:49 AM | Comments |

June 02, 2017

Mike Huckabee Takes Internet

Everyday there is a winner on the internet, today that winner is Mike huckabee.



By Howie at 09:34 AM | Comments |

May 27, 2017

RIP Gregg Allman


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(Derek Trucks left Warren Haynes right)

By Howie at 06:37 PM | Comments |

May 17, 2017

A Jawa Prayer

Dear Lord please let this be true.


I promise to believe absolutely everything she says, no questions asked.

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So um what did ya'll want again?

By Howie at 07:39 AM | Comments |

May 15, 2017

The Maker Turns 73

Yesterday was Star Wars creator and the only man known to have banged Penny Marshall, Arthur C. Clarke's birthday!



By Howie at 10:44 AM | Comments |

Murphy Attends Wedding Party

Well on the bright side, um.... Ok so there is no bright side.



By Howie at 07:40 AM | Comments |

May 02, 2017

Cat-O-Phobia Strikes Oregon!

Legal weed does have its drawbacks.

Efforts to contact CAIR for a statement proved unfruitful.

By Howie at 07:02 AM | Comments |

May 01, 2017

Sandcrawler PSA: The Penalty For Blaspheming Kate Upton is Death

I hereby issue a death Fatwa against Andrew Stiles!

EDITORS' NOTE: This column by the disgraced former journalist Andrew Stiles originally appeared in the May 2017 issue of War Fancy magazine, the Free Beacon’s monthly print publication and the official magazine of the Backyard Axe Throwing League. Over the weekend, hundreds of subscribers wrote letters, sent emails, and posted on social media to express their rage in response to the columnist’s views. Many threatened to cancel their subscriptions, which is somewhat odd since the Free Beacon is, well, free. Staff writer Brent Scher threatened to resign. Free Beacon ombudsman Biff Diddle reported (by proxy) that his voicemail inbox was "more repugnant than the Port-a-Pots at Taco Fest" and "gave me flashbacks to Grenada." We have decided to republish the column here in furtherance of our ironclad commitment to free speech and unrestrained preemptive warfare in the battle for truth and enlightenment.


This. Shall. Not. Stand!

Mashallah!

By Howie at 09:58 AM | Comments |

April 21, 2017

Feel Good Video of The Day: Protestor Takes Friendly Skateboard to The Face

Not to mention the pepper spray.

Hat Tip: Chris.

By Howie at 01:19 PM | Comments |

Where's Howie?

I been on the phone.


By Howie at 07:57 AM | Comments |

April 19, 2017

History in The Making

Aaron Hernandez is totally 100% dead Jim.


He was a good player, in football. In life? Well.... not so much.

The media today sounding all "hurt" about it, but I can't tell if they mourn Aaron Hernandez himself, or the end of their Aaron Hernandez feeding frenzy.

See I used an Oxford comma that time, there is a pause..... You know for feeling.

By Howie at 07:10 AM | Comments |

April 11, 2017

RIP J Geils

Yes, you are getting old.


In fact its getting right out of hand.

By Howie at 08:00 PM | Comments |

Where's Howie: Thai Internet Cafe Edition

I was in Thailand, just hanging out in the interwebz when suddenly.

How do you say "Oh shit" in Thai?

By Howie at 02:36 PM | Comments |

April 06, 2017

The Force Awakens With Subtitles


By Howie at 09:50 AM | Comments |

April 04, 2017

Hard Luck: Teacher Almost Slipped The Surly Bonds of Earth

This man almost got lucky when his students poisoned his drink.

A North Carolina middle school student placed cleaning solution into a teacher’s drink last week, school officials confirmed to WNCN-TV on Monday, which led to the teacher’s hospitalization.

While the station said the cleaning solution was determined to be non-toxic, Jeffrey Jennings — a seventh-grade science teacher at East Lee Middle School in Sanford, North Carolina — became nauseated with a headache and had to go to an urgent care center after drinking the tainted soda on his desk Tuesday, his wife told WRAL-TV.

The station interviewed his wife about it.

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At last check Jeffrey Jennings was rocking back and forth in the corner crying to the Lord, "Take me! Take me!

Better luck next time.

By Howie at 08:19 AM | Comments |

March 22, 2017

Opportunity: Jarod Fogle Still Not Assraped in Federal Prison

Inmate Steve Nigg will probably never have to pay for his dinner when he is released.

It seems he BTFO Jarod Fogel in The Yard. He ended up in the hole and got shipped out. But now he gets lots of fanmail.

“I am writing to thank you for the beatdown you gave to Jared Fogle,” reads one of the countless letters sent to Steve Nigg since his January 2016 attack on the former Subway pitchman at their federal prison in Englewood, Colorado.
Just imagine the perks you could get! I mean if you could read Jawa Report in prison. But I hear word gets around so we've not lost hope yet.

By Howie at 07:26 AM | Comments |

March 19, 2017

RIP: Chuck

There was never any rest for the wicked.


By Howie at 09:32 AM | Comments |

March 03, 2017

The Lurid Tabloids on Bidens Hookers and Blo

I knew the Biden's were cool, but not this cool. Now Obama's reasoning for VP all makes sense. Not only was Biden seen as the wise level headed VP holding it all together, he also knew Betty White (wink wink, nod nod)

Former Vice President Joe Biden’s surviving son, Hunter, hasn’t just dumped his wife for his late brother’s widow, he has squandered his family’s money on hookers, strip clubs and drugs, according to divorce papers obtained by The Post.

The papers, filed last week by Hunter Biden’s soon-to-be ex, Kathleen, offer a sordid peek behind the squeaky-clean image of the popular ex-veep’s family.

“His spending rarely relates to legitimate family expenses, but focuses on his own travel (at times multiple hotel rooms on the same night), gifts for other women, alcohol, strip clubs, or other personal indulgences,” Kathleen Biden says of Hunter in the papers filed in Washington, DC, Superior Court on Feb. 23.

If there is a better way to deal with a family death from a brain cancer than booze, hookers and blo please let us know in the comments.

By Howie at 08:04 AM | Comments |

January 09, 2017

Rogue Life


By Howie at 02:28 PM | Comments |

January 04, 2017

And Now a Message From Darth Spitz

Once more the Spitz will rule The Galaxy!


By Howie at 06:10 PM | Comments |

December 28, 2016

Debbie Reynolds Dies One Day After Carrie Fisher

Debbie Reynolds became ill while making funeral arrangements for Carrie, she has passed away.

Debbie Reynolds, the Oscar-nominated singer-actress who was the mother of late actress Carrie Fisher, has died at Cedars-Sinai hospital. She was 84.

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“She wanted to be with Carrie,” her son Todd Fisher told Variety.

She was taken to the hospital from Todd Fisher’s Beverly Hills house Wednesday after a suspected stroke, the day after her daughter Carrie Fisher died.

By Howie at 09:07 PM | Comments |

December 27, 2016

The Princess Has Passed - Drowned In Moonlight, Strangled By Her Own Bra

We at Jawa Report are on mourning. Carrie Fisher has passed away.

Carrie Fisher died Tuesday morning ... days after suffering a massive heart attack on board a flight from London to LAX ... a family spokesperson has confirmed.

TMZ broke the story ... Fisher was on a flight from London to LAX Friday when she suffered the heart attack 15 minutes before landing. People on the plane tell TMZ she appeared lifeless.

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Image credit: Rolling Stone.

A passenger who's an EMT performed CPR on Carrie and once the flight landed, paramedics rushed her to UCLA Medical Center where she remained in intensive care until her death.

The family had said she was in "stable condition" but we're told she was not responsive after her medical emergency.

We just ran one of Carrie's tweet's last week.

RIP....


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[UPDATE By DMartyr]: I just wanted to add, here and in title, Carrie Fisher drowned in moonlight, strangled by her bra. Goodnight, Princess.

By Howie at 01:01 PM | Comments |

December 25, 2016

Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animals!

By DMartyr at 01:13 PM | Comments |

December 22, 2016

Merry Christmas Jawas

Hat Tip: Twitchy.

Update: Now Jingle Bells.

Wait a minute, that's not a wookie...

By Howie at 10:54 AM | Comments |

December 09, 2016

Jawa Christ-O-Hannukah Special

I'm going to hell, aren't I?

By Howie at 10:25 AM | Comments |

November 28, 2016

Sandcrawler PSA: Save Bigfoot!

Bigfoot is an endangered species, I mean super duper endangered.

By Howie at 09:43 AM | Comments |

November 25, 2016

Sandcrawler Closed: RIP Mrs. Brady

The Sandcrawler is closed for the day as we morn the passing of everyone's Mom.

Florence Henderson, who began her career as an ingénue soprano in stage musicals in the 1950s but made a more lasting impression on television, as the perky 1970s sitcom mom on “The Brady Bunch,” died Thursday. She was 82.

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Image Credit Very Brady Blog

Her death was confirmed by David Brokaw, her publicist. He said she died at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles of what the family described as heart failure.

By Howie at 08:46 AM | Comments |

November 23, 2016

Revenge of the Squirrels

That squirrel is a Sith Lord

Howard Brookins Jr., the alderman for Chicago’s 21st ward, had publicly spoken out about a toothy menace plaguing the city’s garbage carts: urban squirrels, which in Brookins’s view were “aggressive,” and aggressively damaging the trash cart lids.

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He now has another reason to dislike the rodents. One recently sent him to the hospital with a skull fracture in a “freak bicycle accident,” as the alderman wrote on Facebook.

Brookins was biking along Cal-Sag Trail on Nov. 13, when a squirrel darted into his path. The squirrel cut Brookins’s bike trip short by wrapping itself in the spokes of the alderman’s bicycle. The alderman flipped over the handlebars and landed with such a severe impact that he fractured his skull, broke his nose and knocked out a handful of teeth, the Chicago Tribune reported. A woman who passed by called 911. Brookins was only able to leave the hospital Thursday.

Know the powah of the Dark Side!

By Howie at 09:39 AM | Comments |

Things That Are Awesome! @Jack Twitter CEO Pwned on His Own Platform

So this person wins the internet.


@Jack's statement in the matter is that it was due to an internal problem. LMAO internal problem

For a while late Tuesday, attempts to reach Jack Dorsey's profile produced an error message saying it had been suspended. That prompted speculation his account might have been hacked or automatically shut down because of a high number of complaints from other users.
After it came back online, Dorsey tweeted that the suspension was the result of "an internal mistake."

Epic....


By Howie at 09:08 AM | Comments |

November 15, 2016

Confirmed: Han Solo Poked The Princess

We at Jawa Report have always been fans of Han Solo, but now we're pretty sure he's the coolest dude in the Galaxy.

While Fisher has hinted in the past that the pair may have fooled around, she gets down and dirty in the book, revealing that he allegedly got her drunk and seduced her during filming, part of which took place in Tunisia.

The pair wound up in bed after Ford, who is now 74, offered to drive a “wine sodden” Fisher home, she says.

The only problem is that the Princess doesn't remember all that much about it.
In one entry, she says she tried “relentlessly” to make Ford love her and came up with fantasies of Ford proposing to her with a “gold band with diamonds (inscribed) ‘Carrison.'”

In her book, Fisher notes that she’s fuzzy on the details of her and Ford’s three-month relationship because of ”the brutal strength of Harrison’s preferred strain of pot.”

Damn, you mean I had a chance?


By Howie at 02:57 PM | Comments |

November 14, 2016

Sweet Georgia Brown

I mean her name might have been Georgia, I knew a girl named that back in the day.

By Howie at 10:14 AM | Comments |

November 02, 2016

Cubs Win!

I was so sure it could not happen I've never allowed myself to think it. I mean I wasn't going to go against a curse man.

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BTW, has anyone checked Hell to see if everything is alright?


*Anyway the Cubs have oddly enough saved the Obama Presidency from total failure.

By Howie at 11:45 PM | Comments |

October 19, 2016

Latina Voter Sexually Assaults NPR's David Greene on Live Radio

I didn't hear David invite Ms. Font to kiss him?

Even more shocking, in a fit of revenge he sexually assaults her back!

DIANA FONT: I'm Diana Font. Nice to meet you.

GREENE: Nice to meet you.

FONT: OK. Puerto Ricans, (kissing on cheek) we say hello like this.

GREENE: Oh, good. Oh, good (kissing on cheek).

What shocking and disgusting display of Patriarchal rape culture!

It's the oppression of the Patriarchy that has led Ms. Font to believe that she should offer kisses to strange men to be acceptable and for Mr. Greene to believe that reciprocating this sickening tradition is expected of him.

*One thing for sure, neither one of these cave dwelling neanderthals is qualified to be President of the United States of America, not in today's progressive society!

*so how'ed I do?

By Howie at 02:15 PM | Comments |

October 12, 2016

Sandcrawler PSA: Seek Medical Help For Erection Lasting More Than Four Hours

This election, it's crazy man.

Hey ladies, that's about enough of that locker room banter there.

By Howie at 09:52 AM | Comments |

October 04, 2016

Sandcrawler PSA: Not A Big Wheel

I've been reading a lot about Vinnie and his Big Wheel causing a scene in Philadelphia.

I just wanted to point out that THIS IS NOT A BIG WHEEL!

Big Wheel's rear wheels are fixed and the front wheel is used to turn. Clearly this is not a Big Wheel its a Mean Machine! Mean Machines have a fixed front wheel and turns using two levers to move the back wheels.

So clearly this is a Mean Machine, though with a newer modified high performance front wheel to allow it to reach near interstate speeds.

By Howie at 12:32 PM | Comments |

September 20, 2016

Where's Dr. Rusty Shackleford? Return of Angelina Jolie Edition

Rusty is out, he's um, waiting patiently in a tree near Angelina Jolie's estate.

At the center of the shocking divorce between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie is Greenpeace spokeswoman Marion Cotillard, according to an exclusive story in the New York Post.

A private investigator hired by Jolie caught Pitt having an affair with the French activist, who is the female lead in Pitt’s upcoming Allied film, according to the report.

Cotillard has posited “that 9/11 was a conspiracy designed to renovate the Twin Towers without having to pay for costly rewiring,” according to New York Magazine..

Cotillard has also argued in defense of the conspiracy that the United States never landed a man on the moon.



By Howie at 12:31 PM | Comments |

September 17, 2016

And Now A Relaxing Little Jawa Intermission

You worked hard, unwind....

There, you feel better now?

By Howie at 12:06 PM | Comments |

September 07, 2016

Make 'Merca Great Intenet Videos

Maybe the internet is about to get its second wind?

Well played, very well played.

Hat tip: Carmine.

By Howie at 06:37 PM | Comments |