April 14, 2014
Happy Passover. That reminds me of an old joke.
What do Jewish women make for their husbands during Passover? Chag Pesach sameaches, of course.
Still here? That chag pesach sameach isn't going to make itself.
April 10, 2014
Art! Man Lives Inside Bear
Now if he'd just mate with a pig Al Gore's fantasy would finally come true
April 06, 2014
Oops: When Terrorism Goes Right (Yet AGAIN!)
This is turning out to be a good year for Islamic terrorists!
DAMASCUS: At least 29 rebels died in a blast Sunday in the central Syrian city of Homs as they primed a car bomb for an attack, a monitoring group said.
March 17, 2014
Happy International Drink and Fight Day
Today, everyone is Irish so you now have permission to get drunk and fight your friends.
St. Patrick's Day is just like Fight Club, only they can't stop talking about it.
March 16, 2014
When Pranks Turn Funny!
A social experiment goes right:
March 15, 2014
Oops: When Terrorism Goes Right
I guess he didn't want to get a ticket for parking in front of building...
MOGADISHU, Somalia (AP) -- A Somali police officer says a suicide car bomber accidentally detonated his explosives near a popular hotel in the Somali capital.
Capt. Mohamed Hussein said the bomber appeared to have prematurely detonated his explosives-laden car Saturday as he tried to park near a hotel. No others were hurt or killed in the blast.
March 05, 2014
Inevitable: Putin Nominated for Nobel Peace Prize
Also, Edward Snowden, natch:
US whistleblower Edward Snowden, Pakistani schoolgirl Malala Yousafzai and Russian President Vladimir Putin are among the nominees for this year's Nobel Peace Prize, as the Nobel Institute announced Tuesday a record 278 candidates...Putin should give a speech. That ought to clinch it for him.
The former KGB agent is credited with averting a US attack against Syria by suggesting putting Bashar al-Assad's regime's chemical weapons arsenal under international control.
March 03, 2014
Unfortunately someone else has been accused of the dastardly crime.
February 26, 2014
Egyptian Military General Invents Device That Turns AIDS Virus Into Nutritious Kebabs
From Times of Israel:
More than 36 million people worldwide have died from the AIDS virus across the globe, and another 35.3 million are currently living with the disease.
But they no longer have any reason to worry. The Egyptian Army has defeated the disease.
Or so claimed Egyptian Gen. Dr. Ibrahim Abdel-Atti, chief of the medical branch. "We defeated AIDS, and rest assured, we defeated AIDS," Abdel-Atti said Sunday at a press conference. [...]
Abdel-Atti said he had pioneered a method by which he could extract the disease and break it into amino acids, "so that the virus becomes nutrition for the body instead of disease. This is a miracle in scientific research."
"I take AIDS from the patient, and feed the patient on AIDS, I give it to him as a kebab skewer to feed on," he said
There is clear evidence the device works. CCTV Africa was able to produce footage of General Abdel-Atti telling a patient he no longer had AIDS.
That's evidence enough to convince me! Everyone will be cured, inshallah. Anyone who isn't cured, well obviously Allah wasn't willing.
(Hat Tip: IHateTheMedia)
February 24, 2014
As We Find Out on The Train
Its all the same effing day anyway.
February 15, 2014
Post-Valentine Day Music: Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend
H/T: Professor Chaos after being reminded by Damn Dirty Rhino
January 29, 2014
Rusty Reacts to Last Night's State of the Union Address
Wait, what? I honestly haven't watchd one of those in years. Besides, me and my new buddy Marty were out hover skateboarding all night. Fun guy, but I still can't figure out why he was so interested in who won the World Series from 1985 - 2013.
Thanks to Maetenloch.
---Oooops. Something was wrong with that image. I dunno why, Ace and I share a server, but the image wasn't working. So I uploaded a copy of it and put it above the fold. The "Marty" reference probably makes more sense now.
January 13, 2014
Stunning Snowden Revelation: Racist Aliens Behind US Power
I'm stunned. This is incontravertable proof that "tall white" aliens were behind Hitler and now the US:
A stunning Federal Security Services (FSB) report on the nearly two million highly classified top-secret documents obtained from the United States Department of Defense (DOD) run National Security Agency-Central Security Service (NSA/CSS) by the American ex-patriot Edward Snowden states that this information is providing “incontrovertible proof” that an “alien/extraterrestrial intelligence agenda” is driving US domestic and international policy, and has been doing so since at least 1945...Given that the source is the Russian FSB (the new KGB) being reported on by Iran's Fars News, you'd think the "secret regime" would be, you know, "monied interests" (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).
In Snowden’s own words, this report continues, he outlined to Greenwald the reason for his highly secretive group obtaining and releasing these documents by warning that that there “were actually two governments in the US, the one that was elected, and the other, secret regime, governing in the dark.”
But no! It appears that our alien overlords are not the "Zionists" but rather, outer space is controlled by Scandis:
Even though Defense Minister Hellyer’s exact statements to the FSB in regards to Snowden’s documents remain classified, shortly after his “extensive electronic interview” by the FSB he was allowed to appear on Russia Today’s program SophieCo this past fortnight where he shockingly admitted that aliens have “been visiting our planet for thousands of years” and described several types of these extraterrestrials, including “Tall Whites” who are working with the US Air Force in Nevada.Tall. Whites. And what else have these tall white aliens been up to? Helping the Nazis, natch:
Of the many explosive revelations in this FSB report, the one most concerning to Russian authorities are the Snowden’s documents “confirming” that the “Tall Whites” (further revealed by Defense Minister Hellyer as noted above) are the same extraterrestrial alien race behind the stunning rise of Nazi Germany during the 1930’s.And it's not just the Nazis. Remember that old slogan, "I like Ike"? Part of an alien plot:
In just one example of the many outlined in this FSB report, it shows that with this “alien assistance,” at the end of the 1930’s, when Nazi Germany possessed just 57 submarines, over the four years of World War II it built 1,163 modern technologically advanced submarines at its dockyards and even put them into operation.
Snowden’s documents further confirm, this report says, the “Tall Whites” (Nordic) meetings in 1954 with US President Dwight D. Eisenhower where the “secret regime” currently ruling over America was established.Wait, so the Iranians are saying that the Russians are saying that Edward Snowden is saying that a bunch of racist aliens are the real puppetmasters?
I thought the Iranians and Russians blamed the J-O-Os for the "secret regime"?
I'm so confused.
But wait, there's more! Who is behind the NSA's electronic surveillance program? The aliens:
Most disturbingly, this FSB report warns, is that the “Tall White” agenda being implemented by the “secret regime” ruling the United States calls for the creation of a global electronic surveillance system meant to hide all true information about their presence here on earth as they enter into what one of Snowden’s documents calls the “final phase” of their end plan for total assimilation and world rule.And who else do these racist aliens have on their side? The first black President, of course:
Most to be feared by Russian policy makers and authorities, this report concludes, is if those opposing the “Tall White” “secret regime” ruled over by Obama have themselves aligned with another alien-extraterrestrial power themselves.Ok, so Obama is aligned with one group of aliens, but then others are aligned with these other unnamed other aliens?
I think I've seen this story before.
Thanks to @intelwire
*An earlier version of this post erroneously titled it "Sunning Snowden". Call it a Freudian slip ... you know what was on my mind.
January 08, 2014
Where's .... Everyone?
Omaha national guardsman Travis Kitkowski is offering his apologies to two Nebraska police officers after he attacked them while running down the street nude, high on bath salts.Vinnie:
Oklahoman given 'atomic wedgie' died from suffocation, trauma to head.DMartyr
A man has been arrested in a Pottawatomie County, Oklahoma homicide. The man said he gave his stepfather, who died from suffocation and trauma, an “atomic wedgie,” officials said.
An upstate New Yorker held his entire family hostage for a week armed with only 15 cases of beer, police said.Matt Damon:
Two suspected methamphetamine manufacturers were taken into custody in Oregon after they tried to tip their server with an envelope crammed full of the drug following an evening of dinner and drinks at a restaurant in Seaside..... and .... Rusty is .....
Ryan Bensen, 40, and Erica Manley, 37, went to the Twisted Fish Steakhouse for a good meal and ended up on the hook for charges of possession and manufacture of methamphetamine after their server turned them in to police.
Photo courtesy The Realist of Queensland
December 31, 2013
For Siraj Davis
Happy New Year!
It's an onion, man. Layers.
December 21, 2013
Rachel Maddow + Chris Hayes = Pajama Boy
December 19, 2013
Saudi Cleric Issues Fatwa Against Phil Robertson for Blasphemy Against Jihadi Sodomy
December 03, 2013
Have You Ever Had A Dreams Thats...
Well, it started out okay...
I shouldn't laugh. This is exactly what I am like before my morning coffee...
Nailed it! Rock on, kid!
Last Straw: al Qaeda Threatens to Behead Kittehs!
November 26, 2013
Getting pelted by his own groceries. Which is the grown up equivalent of the "Why are you hitting yourself" thing the bullies at school used to do to him.
HELL NO! The Sensible Horror Film
(Hat Tip: Law Of Self Defense)
Below the fold, a bonus horror film: Stay Indoors.
November 11, 2013
The Steve Martin of Deer
That's one wild and crazy deer!
Alright, I don't get this. Why didn't they just shoot it and eat it? Mmmmm, Bambi .....
Yeah, it's that time of year again when I blog from my deer stand. Wish me luck and .... HAPPY VETERANS DAY!
October 23, 2013
Online Jihad + Healthcare.org = Leno Funny
Here’s a very disturbing story. You may have heard about this. 25-year-old man in New York arrested for trying to join al Qaeda. Well, here is the amazing part. He said it was still easier to join al Qaeda using their website than it was to sign up for ObamaCare. And he was in! He was in, in like, two minutes!It's funny because it's true.
October 16, 2013
Quote of the Day
" When you have 18 percent of GDP coming in in cash, less than 2 percent going out in debt coverage—I’m stunned you all fall for it in the press. None of you were math majors, were you?” -- Rep. David Schweikert (R - AZ) to reporters who couldn't understand why not raising the debt ceiling wasn't the same thing as defaulting on the debt.
OMFG: Bush Blamed for Shutdown
Your morning low-information voter funny.
October 11, 2013
Freaks On A Plane
If you ask me, here's how the crew and other passengers should have handled it:
October 09, 2013
Different Kind Of Bikers
These are not the same type, crotch rocket bikers who attacked an innocent family in an SUV last month.
These are the type bikers with which I grew up. So, for the record, I wouldn't have had a problem when I walked into this theater.
October 08, 2013
Muslim Countries Developing 'Gaydar' to Protect Borders from the Gays
If you actually could make a machine that detected the gayness I'm pretty sure that 80% of men in Saudi Arabia would set the thing off. How else do you explain the fact that they hate looking at women so much that they force them to remain covered at all times in public?
A medical test being developed by Kuwait will be used to 'detect' homosexuals and prevent them from entering the country – or any of the Gulf Cooperation Countries (GCC), according to a Kuwaiti government official....Okay, I'm not saying that everyone in the Gulf states are all the way gay. Just, you know, pretty gay. Like a 7 or 8 on the gay scale.
He told Kuwait newspaper Al Rai: ‘Health centres conduct the routine medical check to assess the health of the expatriates when they come into the GCC countries. However, we will take stricter measures that will help us detect gays who will be then barred from entering Kuwait or any of the GCC member states.’
October 07, 2013
Sandcrawler PSA: Those NSA Bastards Get All the Good Stuff
Just a non essential post about non essential thingys.
October 04, 2013
U.S. Postal Service Still Hard At Work
Why do I always laugh when one of the new "Priority You" commercials come on?
October 01, 2013
I Got a Fevah and the Only thing to Cure it is MOAR SHUTDOWN!!!
I know, I'm a meanie. The federal government being shut down for a day or three means apocalypse. Dogs and cats, sleeping with each other. Biblical stuff.
And yet ..... life goes on. People do what they do. We survive.
It's almost as if American society existed before the Housing and Urban Development Administration. As if kids learned to read before Head Start. As if college campuses existed before Upward Bound.
Me, I feel nothing. No, that's not true. I feel great.
It's about time those who suck at the teet of federal largess start feeling what a recession feels like. That they know what it means to worry about the next paycheck.
But I'll really only be happy if this thing drags on long enough that the housing bubble in Washington, DC finally pops. One of the few places in America that home values never truly went down. And why? Because the federal government insulates those attached to it from the real economy.
While federal employees whine about "not getting cost of living adjustments" for the past few years, the rest of us had to worry about whether or not our homes would be repossessed.
So, screw them. Screw them all.
Me? I'm happy. If only for a day.
September 30, 2013
al-NuZra's CarOtee IZ nOT Stronng
Crouching Omar, Hidden Homos!
September 27, 2013
He's catching up on his reading.
September 23, 2013
Cornhole Watch: No, really. Look at this cornhole.
Don't let the guys down in Folsom know that this is a thing.
I dunno, playing cornhole just seems .... wrong. Unless, you know, you're into that sort of thing.
September 09, 2013
If you have a problem... If no one else can help
...and if you can find them...maybe you can hire...The A- Team.
Rex Kramer Certified!
Hat Tip: Some Zionist Jawa Thingy.
September 06, 2013
God to Girls Who Twerk: You Will Burn! Burn! Burn!
You shouldn't laugh at this, but you will.
September 03, 2013
Feel Good Story of the Day: Bitches Bitch Slap Little Bitch
Filed under Funnies because it is and also if because your hat is that gay, well.. you should know better.