March 14, 2017

Where is Dr. Rusty Shackleford? This is Japan Edition

Rusty is in line waiting his, errrrr... turn.

By Howie at 09:20 AM | Comments |

March 10, 2017

Sandcrawler PSA: Safety First!

By Howie at 03:21 PM | Comments |

March 02, 2017

Where is Dr. Rusty Shackleford? Manila Vacation Edition

Most people want to get out of the Philippine Prison.... Rusty is trying to get in.

By Howie at 07:36 AM | Comments |

February 27, 2017

Sandcrawler Test Pattern


By Howie at 01:24 PM | Comments |

February 13, 2017

Where is Dr. Rusty Shackleford? Career Change Edition

You know professing didn't pay as well as pilot so Rusty figured why not give it a shot. And also to make things interesting wear a dress.

Passengers on Saturday's San Francisco-bound flight took to social media to express concerns after the pilot spoke to them about her divorce and the presidential election, among other issues.

One passenger, whose Twitter bio identified him as Randy Reiss from San Francisco, tweeted that the pilot called Hillary Clinton and President Donald Trump "a**holes" and, at one point, said that she was going "to be on Oprah."
Some passengers said on social media that they got off the plane. Another pilot was brought in and the flight took off about two hours later, Hobart said.

Oh well, back to the drawing board.

By Howie at 10:22 AM | Comments |

February 02, 2017

Elmer Confirms Phil's Forecast


By Howie at 08:13 AM | Comments |

December 19, 2016

Direct From The Princess

Jawa Report, we have connections with crazy people.

And crazy old hermits who live out beyond the Dune Sea.

By Howie at 02:21 PM | Comments |

December 07, 2016

Reader Love Mail: Omar Omar Where For Art Thou Omar Edition

A dear reader describes Jawa Report.

you're all bigots, Islamophobes, and losers.
Dude you don't need that comma with and.

What, are you trying to take my crown as King of the Random Comma?

By Howie at 07:49 AM | Comments |

November 24, 2016

Jawa Lame Duck Thanksgiving Dinner That Can't Be Beat

Just so you know, no matter who is elected President Jawa Report will carry on in our traditional manner.

Happy Thanksgiving!

By Howie at 08:37 AM | Comments |

September 16, 2016

Where is Dr. Rusty Shackleford? GayStormCon Edition

So they have a gay stormtrooper convention? Who knew?

By Howie at 07:34 AM | Comments |

May 20, 2016

Very Happy Chewy!

By Howie at 01:05 PM | Comments |

February 22, 2016

Jawa F.O.D. Update

Hey our booze is done!




Finished! First glass was pretty dry, but then... it was pretty tasty.

Picture0220162015_1 (1).jpg

We'll be bottling the red as soon as I pick up two more cases of bottles.

Update: Bottled the Concord Grape last night. The store was out of clear bottles though, I had to go with green.


By Howie at 10:31 AM | Comments |

February 18, 2016

Sandcrawler PSA: The Force Can Have A Strong Influence on The Weak Minded

As in make you drop 10k on an old XP-34.

They're just not as popular since the XP-38 came out.

By Howie at 07:18 PM | Comments |

February 17, 2016

Where's Vinnie? Drunken Triceratops Edition

He's been studying Paleontology, according to insider discussions the Triceratops can drink like a fish. But Vinnie claimed to have still put him under the table.

By Howie at 09:33 AM | Comments |

February 02, 2016

Sandcrawler PSA: Elmer Concurs With Groundhog Central

Early Spring baby!


By Howie at 08:29 AM | Comments |

January 12, 2016

JUICE Mind Control Goes to Jupiter

Word has it the Jews are moving their mind control apparatus to a safe orbit around Jupiter to stop Muslims from filing their quest for word domination.

Its all taking place under a false flag probe to study the icy moons of Jupiter, yeah right, as if they don't have a base there already!

Weizmann Institute scientists plan to take part in international research launch to giant planet in 2022.

The JUICE spacecraft will carry the most powerful remote sensing, geophysical, and in situ payload complement ever flown to the outer Solar System. This includes a total of 11 international scientific experiments to study the giant planet and its large ocean-bearing moons.

The device, as well as others made elsewhere around in the world, will take off in the year 2022 aboard the JUICE

Jupiter was chosen because an Islamic Nation making it to Jupiter? That ain't gonna happen.

OJ Simpson was unavailable for comment at press time.

By Howie at 10:56 AM | Comments |

Sandcrawler PSA: 100 Ways to Attack The Groin

The Jawa Report - bring you the news that's really important.

(Hat Tip: IHatetheMedia)

By DMartyr at 10:17 AM | Comments |

January 07, 2016

Sandcrawler PSA: Search Your Feelings

Bom Bom Bom Ba Ba Bom Ba Ba Bom!

Hat Tip: TKW406.

By Howie at 01:23 PM | Comments |

January 04, 2016

Where's Rusty? Sixty Five Dollar Man Edition

Rusty is about to lose his virginity to a hooker with a heart of gold. I always thought those were a myth, but here you go.

A MAN fitted with a bionic penis after his was ripped off in a childhood accident is poised to lose his virginity at the age of 43.

Mohammed Abad will pop his cherry in the next few days with sex worker Charlotte Rose after a dinner date.

“I am so honoured that he chose me to take his virginity,” she said. “We plan to have a dinner date so we can get to know each other and then two hours of private time. I’m not charging him.”

Good that leaves more crazy blog money for JawaPalooza!

By Howie at 02:24 PM | Comments |

Where's Howie This Wasn't Me I Swear! Edition

I hold up as proof the fact that they won't let you blog from Jail!

BBC: Reporting the best about America.

By Howie at 02:16 PM | Comments |

December 25, 2015

Merry Christmas Jawas

Leave us alone! We're busy!

By Howie at 11:59 PM | Comments |

December 23, 2015

Where's Dr. Rusty Shackleford? Last Minute Shoppers Edition

He's out trying to catch those last few stragglers, but he got schlonged.

Saudi authorities have closed down a shop selling traditional camel urine drinks after discovering the owner had been filling the bottles with his own bodily waste.

Health inspectors swooped on a vendor in the port city of Al Qunfudhah, in south-western Saudi Arabia, and confiscated more than 70 full bottles.

Buyer beware!

By Howie at 09:20 AM | Comments |

December 07, 2015

Sandcrawler PSA: Traditional Holiday Jawa Recipe (Week 1 Update)

I know there has been a lot going on in the world and I've not been blogging. I had to make time for traditional Jawa holiday activities as well as recover.

Anyway if you would like to participate in commemorating that wonderful period of American history known as Prohibition here's what you'll need.


A couple of five gallon water jugs, clean but no soap, I find a car wash wand on rinse works well. Soap interferes with things so no soap just clean water. It also helps if your jugs are left to you by say your late grandfather or something. Its a tradition man.

So you need a cool, dry place say a bit cooler than inside 55 to 65 average anyway. 70 is a bit warm for my taste but that's as high as I'd go.

A couple of corks with with holes for your tube or bloopers. You can get these blooper thingys at any good liquor supply or craft brewery or off the internet for $1.49.

OK so left side, I made a screw up, one of my 3 quart bottles was not white grape, it was white grape and cherry. So we'll see if that turns out to be a happy mistake. The right side is the old standard Concord Grape.

Here we go, Take four pounds of pure cane sugar and some distilled water and combine in large pan, heat till the sugar is dissolved, in the mean time warm 1/3 cup of water to tepid and throw in a pinch of sugar and your plain old Fleischmann's yeast in there, stir a bit, cover, set asside.

Using a new clean funnel, not the one for your car man, add 3 quarts of white grape and cherry juice to your first jug there. Now 9 quarts of white grape. I just use Welch's but whatever, it will work even from concentrate just be sure to use distilled water. For each batch I figure 3 gallons of Juice and two gallon of water but you'll have some water left because the sugar takes up space.

Then add the sugar water and top off with distilled water. Leave a little air at the top so that if things foam up on you it doesn't make a big ass mess. (Have an old towel handy that you can use just in case if foams up on you and makes a big old mess).

No go back and get your corks and blooper thingys, soak the corks a bit and put your thingys in them, add water so that air can only escape out the corks but not get back in, alternately you can use a tube into a glass of water if you don't have the blooper thingys. Air back in is bad as it will make vinegar as the wine oxidizes,.

If'n you cork this stuff with no way for the carbon dioxide the yeast makes to get out, it will explode and make a huge mess.

Now pour your yeast mixture in there..... Put your corks with your bloopers on there, make sure there ain't no leaks.

Along about 8 weeks from now we should be ready to bottle this stuff. Ya'll can come over and we'll try it out, or just make some *yourself. We'll check on it every now and then, but don't drink it or disturb it before then, don't move it around.

So anyway, later Jawas.

Update :12/07/15 Our little concoction has been brewing a week, its settled down and is bubbling along at about once per second, maybe a little faster.


As you can see the white grape and cherry has turned a light color, the concord has stayed almost dark this time but if it gets reddish don't worry its just bubbles making it a lighter color, that will go away when it settles later.

Sometime next year we'll all be drunk as....... well drunk as Jawas of course!

* = over 21 and at your own risk, remember booze makes you stupid and when you're stupid you do stupid things.

By Howie at 06:04 PM | Comments |

December 05, 2015


Captain Arizona.

Update: 12/10: Unbanned.

By Howie at 05:17 PM | Comments |

December 02, 2015

Sadncrawler PSA: Welcome to Bumfuct Egypt

Enjoy your stay, drive careful, sometimes even that doesn't help.

Slightly Exaggerated Fact, 50% of all cars here have grille damage.

By Howie at 10:35 AM | Comments |

December 01, 2015

Jawas Strike Back!

We have fans.


Hat Tip: Ratter.

The twenty-something artist, known only as VEW,

“It’s a propaganda war and our side needs to step up its game,”

Who says there is no hope for the youth?

By Howie at 03:09 PM | Comments |

November 26, 2015

Sandcrawler PSA: Kid! Jawa Report is Closed on Thanksgiving!

All dumps are closed on Thanksgiving.

Eat well Jawas, you earned it.

By Howie at 11:59 PM | Comments |

November 24, 2015

Sandcrawler PSA: Ya'll Had One Job

All I asked was that Ya'll not let the world go to pot while I was out, look at the mess you left me to clean up.

I'm back! Send money.

By Howie at 04:19 PM | Comments |

November 02, 2015

Sandcrawler Intermission

OK so Howie will be out for a while. Keep him in your prayers.


I'll be back before you know it.

I'm hoping by the 20th but who knows.

By Howie at 08:54 AM | Comments |

October 30, 2015

Bernie Panders

Sounds good at first till you realize he's going to redistribute your stash!

By Howie at 09:27 AM | Comments |

October 11, 2015

SMOD SMOD Why Hast Thou Forsaken US?

Once again those Morons at Ace of Spaces have let another opportunity slip by, only to fail us again.

via Skelator: Nasa has confirmed that a giant asteroid passed safely by Earth on Saturday – considered a near-miss at a distance of 15 million miles away.
15 Million likes? Fifteen million effing miles, those morons!

And reading the blog they don't even mention it, its as if they aren't even trying...

By Howie at 05:14 PM | Comments |

October 07, 2015

Sandcrawler PSA: Always Wear a Helmet

Especially in Russia.

By Howie at 01:16 PM | Comments |

October 06, 2015

Where's Vinnie? On Expedition Edition

20 years from now it will be remembered as, "Best winter in Antarctica ever!"

By Howie at 10:53 AM | Comments |

June 11, 2015

Where is Dr. Rusty Shackleford? No Gawking Edition

Don't miss this exclusive interview with Rusty at Gawker:

I first realized I had a small dick about 7th grade. Once you got to 7th grade at my school, you could play football. We changed into PE clothes starting in 6th grade, but we didn’t shower. The first time I was in a room of naked males was 7th grade, and it wasn’t difficult to see that I didn’t fit in.

It took a good deal of time to realize that the actual size humiliation was what was appealing. I knew I enjoyed humiliation, and after I sort of honed in on where it came from, it was easier to explore the fetish and see what I really liked. I knew I was small, and knew I enjoyed humiliation from exploring porn online, and one day I saw the SPH hashtag on a post and clicked it, and it all opened up.

By Howie at 10:26 AM | Comments |

June 08, 2015

Jawas Throughout History

He says it's the best he can do. Since the XP-38 came out, they're just not in demand.


It will be enough.

By Howie at 08:49 PM | Comments |