February 13, 2017
Where is Dr. Rusty Shackleford? Career Change Edition
Passengers on Saturday's San Francisco-bound flight took to social media to express concerns after the pilot spoke to them about her divorce and the presidential election, among other issues.Oh well, back to the drawing board.
One passenger, whose Twitter bio identified him as Randy Reiss from San Francisco, tweeted that the pilot called Hillary Clinton and President Donald Trump "a**holes" and, at one point, said that she was going "to be on Oprah."
Some passengers said on social media that they got off the plane. Another pilot was brought in and the flight took off about two hours later, Hobart said.
February 07, 2017
Where's Rusty? Falcon Fan Edition
February 02, 2017
Elmer Confirms Phil's Forecast
December 19, 2016
Direct From The Princess
Jawa Report, we have connections with crazy people.
SHTAR WARS - The Kingdom Shtrikes Back - YouTube. Graham Norton sent me this 🅰💲🅿️⛎♑ℹ💲♓️Ⓜ️📧♑️✝️. F🅾️® 💲🅾️Ⓜ️📧✝️♓️ℹ♑g https://t.co/3TKqn5WLYZ— Carrie Fisher (@carrieffisher) December 19, 2016
And crazy old hermits who live out beyond the Dune Sea.
December 07, 2016
Reader Love Mail: Omar Omar Where For Art Thou Omar Edition
you're all bigots, Islamophobes, and losers.Dude you don't need that comma with and.
What, are you trying to take my crown as King of the Random Comma?
November 24, 2016
Jawa Lame Duck Thanksgiving Dinner That Can't Be Beat
Just so you know, no matter who is elected President Jawa Report will carry on in our traditional manner.
September 16, 2016
Where is Dr. Rusty Shackleford? GayStormCon Edition
So they have a gay stormtrooper convention? Who knew?
September 12, 2016
Howie and Hamammi on Nova
Too bad Omar didn't live to see it.
Hat Tip: Some scary looking internet thingy.
May 20, 2016
Very Happy Chewy!
happy chewbacca is the funniest video of 2016 literally watch the entire thing to the last second i cant breathehttps://t.co/zV64qmUiPw— Elijah Daniel (@aguywithnolife) May 20, 2016
February 22, 2016
Jawa F.O.D. Update
Hey our booze is done!
Finished! First glass was pretty dry, but then... it was pretty tasty.
We'll be bottling the red as soon as I pick up two more cases of bottles.
Update: Bottled the Concord Grape last night. The store was out of clear bottles though, I had to go with green.
February 18, 2016
Sandcrawler PSA: The Force Can Have A Strong Influence on The Weak Minded
As in make you drop 10k on an old XP-34.
You don't need to see his identification pic.twitter.com/7U4xY28pre— Darth Vader (@DepressedDarth) February 19, 2016
They're just not as popular since the XP-38 came out.
February 17, 2016
Where's Vinnie? Drunken Triceratops Edition
He's been studying Paleontology, according to insider discussions the Triceratops can drink like a fish. But Vinnie claimed to have still put him under the table.
February 09, 2016
Sandcrawler PSA: Ted Cruz Totally 100% Not a Pussy
February 02, 2016
Sandcrawler PSA: Elmer Concurs With Groundhog Central
Early Spring baby!
January 12, 2016
JUICE Mind Control Goes to Jupiter
Word has it the Jews are moving their mind control apparatus to a safe orbit around Jupiter to stop Muslims from filing their quest for word domination.
Weizmann Institute scientists plan to take part in international research launch to giant planet in 2022.Jupiter was chosen because an Islamic Nation making it to Jupiter? That ain't gonna happen.
The JUICE spacecraft will carry the most powerful remote sensing, geophysical, and in situ payload complement ever flown to the outer Solar System. This includes a total of 11 international scientific experiments to study the giant planet and its large ocean-bearing moons.
The device, as well as others made elsewhere around in the world, will take off in the year 2022 aboard the JUICE
OJ Simpson was unavailable for comment at press time.
Sandcrawler PSA: 100 Ways to Attack The Groin
The Jawa Report - bring you the news that's really important.
(Hat Tip: IHatetheMedia)
January 07, 2016
Sandcrawler PSA: Search Your Feelings
Bom Bom Bom Ba Ba Bom Ba Ba Bom!
Hat Tip: TKW406.
January 04, 2016
Where's Rusty? Sixty Five Dollar Man Edition
Rusty is about to lose his virginity to a hooker with a heart of gold. I always thought those were a myth, but here you go.
A MAN fitted with a bionic penis after his was ripped off in a childhood accident is poised to lose his virginity at the age of 43.Good that leaves more crazy blog money for JawaPalooza!
Mohammed Abad will pop his cherry in the next few days with sex worker Charlotte Rose after a dinner date.
“I am so honoured that he chose me to take his virginity,” she said. “We plan to have a dinner date so we can get to know each other and then two hours of private time. I’m not charging him.”
Where's Howie This Wasn't Me I Swear! Edition
I hold up as proof the fact that they won't let you blog from Jail!
December 25, 2015
Merry Christmas Jawas
Leave us alone! We're busy!
December 23, 2015
Where's Dr. Rusty Shackleford? Last Minute Shoppers Edition
He's out trying to catch those last few stragglers, but he got schlonged.
Saudi authorities have closed down a shop selling traditional camel urine drinks after discovering the owner had been filling the bottles with his own bodily waste.Buyer beware!
Health inspectors swooped on a vendor in the port city of Al Qunfudhah, in south-western Saudi Arabia, and confiscated more than 70 full bottles.
December 07, 2015
Sandcrawler PSA: Traditional Holiday Jawa Recipe (Week 1 Update)
I know there has been a lot going on in the world and I've not been blogging. I had to make time for traditional Jawa holiday activities as well as recover.
Anyway if you would like to participate in commemorating that wonderful period of American history known as Prohibition here's what you'll need.
A couple of five gallon water jugs, clean but no soap, I find a car wash wand on rinse works well. Soap interferes with things so no soap just clean water. It also helps if your jugs are left to you by say your late grandfather or something. Its a tradition man.
So you need a cool, dry place say a bit cooler than inside 55 to 65 average anyway. 70 is a bit warm for my taste but that's as high as I'd go.
A couple of corks with with holes for your tube or bloopers. You can get these blooper thingys at any good liquor supply or craft brewery or off the internet for $1.49.
OK so left side, I made a screw up, one of my 3 quart bottles was not white grape, it was white grape and cherry. So we'll see if that turns out to be a happy mistake. The right side is the old standard Concord Grape.
Here we go, Take four pounds of pure cane sugar and some distilled water and combine in large pan, heat till the sugar is dissolved, in the mean time warm 1/3 cup of water to tepid and throw in a pinch of sugar and your plain old Fleischmann's yeast in there, stir a bit, cover, set asside.
Using a new clean funnel, not the one for your car man, add 3 quarts of white grape and cherry juice to your first jug there. Now 9 quarts of white grape. I just use Welch's but whatever, it will work even from concentrate just be sure to use distilled water. For each batch I figure 3 gallons of Juice and two gallon of water but you'll have some water left because the sugar takes up space.
Then add the sugar water and top off with distilled water. Leave a little air at the top so that if things foam up on you it doesn't make a big ass mess. (Have an old towel handy that you can use just in case if foams up on you and makes a big old mess).
No go back and get your corks and blooper thingys, soak the corks a bit and put your thingys in them, add water so that air can only escape out the corks but not get back in, alternately you can use a tube into a glass of water if you don't have the blooper thingys. Air back in is bad as it will make vinegar as the wine oxidizes,.
If'n you cork this stuff with no way for the carbon dioxide the yeast makes to get out, it will explode and make a huge mess.
Now pour your yeast mixture in there..... Put your corks with your bloopers on there, make sure there ain't no leaks.
Along about 8 weeks from now we should be ready to bottle this stuff. Ya'll can come over and we'll try it out, or just make some *yourself. We'll check on it every now and then, but don't drink it or disturb it before then, don't move it around.
So anyway, later Jawas.
Update :12/07/15 Our little concoction has been brewing a week, its settled down and is bubbling along at about once per second, maybe a little faster.
As you can see the white grape and cherry has turned a light color, the concord has stayed almost dark this time but if it gets reddish don't worry its just bubbles making it a lighter color, that will go away when it settles later.
Sometime next year we'll all be drunk as....... well drunk as Jawas of course!
* = over 21 and at your own risk, remember booze makes you stupid and when you're stupid you do stupid things.
December 05, 2015
Update: 12/10: Unbanned.
December 02, 2015
Sadncrawler PSA: Welcome to Bumfuct Egypt
Enjoy your stay, drive careful, sometimes even that doesn't help.
Slightly Exaggerated Fact, 50% of all cars here have grille damage.
December 01, 2015
Jawas Strike Back!
We have fans.
Hat Tip: Ratter.
The twenty-something artist, known only as VEW,Who says there is no hope for the youth?
“It’s a propaganda war and our side needs to step up its game,”
November 26, 2015
Sandcrawler PSA: Kid! Jawa Report is Closed on Thanksgiving!
All dumps are closed on Thanksgiving.
Eat well Jawas, you earned it.
November 24, 2015
Sandcrawler PSA: Ya'll Had One Job
All I asked was that Ya'll not let the world go to pot while I was out, look at the mess you left me to clean up.
I'm back! Send money.
November 02, 2015
OK so Howie will be out for a while. Keep him in your prayers.
I'll be back before you know it.
I'm hoping by the 20th but who knows.
October 30, 2015
Sounds good at first till you realize he's going to redistribute your stash!
October 11, 2015
SMOD SMOD Why Hast Thou Forsaken US?
Once again those Morons at Ace of Spaces have let another opportunity slip by, only to fail us again.
via Skelator: Nasa has confirmed that a giant asteroid passed safely by Earth on Saturday – considered a near-miss at a distance of 15 million miles away.15 Million likes? Fifteen million effing miles, those morons!
And reading the blog they don't even mention it, its as if they aren't even trying...
October 07, 2015
Sandcrawler PSA: Always Wear a Helmet
Especially in Russia.
October 06, 2015
Where's Vinnie? On Expedition Edition
20 years from now it will be remembered as, "Best winter in Antarctica ever!"
Antarctic scientists face breathalyser tests due to alcohol-fuelled fighting and 'indecent exposure'... http://t.co/3NJ6sxxkWt— DRUDGE REPORT (@DRUDGE_REPORT) October 6, 2015
June 22, 2015
Where's Vinnie? The Last Angry Moose Edition
June 11, 2015
Where is Dr. Rusty Shackleford? No Gawking Edition
I first realized I had a small dick about 7th grade. Once you got to 7th grade at my school, you could play football. We changed into PE clothes starting in 6th grade, but we didn’t shower. The first time I was in a room of naked males was 7th grade, and it wasn’t difficult to see that I didn’t fit in.
It took a good deal of time to realize that the actual size humiliation was what was appealing. I knew I enjoyed humiliation, and after I sort of honed in on where it came from, it was easier to explore the fetish and see what I really liked. I knew I was small, and knew I enjoyed humiliation from exploring porn online, and one day I saw the SPH hashtag on a post and clicked it, and it all opened up.
June 08, 2015
Jawas Throughout History
He says it's the best he can do. Since the XP-38 came out, they're just not in demand.
It will be enough.
June 05, 2015
Salem, not Lynn, is typically the place where people walk around in costumes — and sometimes get into trouble.This is America? I mean WTF is more american than dressing up as a Storm Trooper?
But on Wednesday afternoon, a Lynn elementary school was briefly locked down after the principal called 911 to report a man with a gun walking around outside the school.
The man was dressed in a white plastic "Star Wars" stormtrooper costume, and the gun was not real. But Lynn Police spokesman Lt. Rick Donnelly said that "the way things are today, you can't have that."
We appreciate Salem News' reporting on this even if they are Jawaphobes.
Sandcrawler PSA: Be An A$$hole
McNichol is not alone. Since Steve Jobs was published in 2011, “I think I’ve had 10 conversations where CEOs have looked at me and said, ‘Don’t you think I should be more of an asshole?’ ” says Robert Sutton, a professor of management at Stanford, whose book, The No Asshole Rule, nonetheless includes a chapter titled “The Virtues of Assholes.”Carry on you rat bastards!
At the University of Amsterdam, researchers have found that semi-obnoxious behavior not only can make a person seem more powerful, but can make them more powerful, period. The same goes for overconfidence. Act like you’re the smartest person in the room, a series of striking studies demonstrates, and you’ll up your chances of running the show. People will even pay to be treated shabbily: snobbish, condescending salespeople at luxury retailers extract more money from shoppers than their more agreeable counterparts do. And “agreeableness,” other research shows, is a trait that tends to make you poorer. “We believe we want people who are modest, authentic, and all the things we rate positively” to be our leaders, says Jeffrey Pfeffer, a business professor at Stanford. “But we find it’s all the things we rate negatively”—like immodesty—“that are the best predictors of higher salaries or getting chosen for a leadership position.”
May 27, 2015
Where's Vinnie? Sea Bass Edition
Arrested? He was just trying to make a living.
Our hero drunkenly decided that it would be a good idea to reel in 122 black sea bass and dump them all on his recreational fishing boat.OMG! the utter, blatant oppression!
While speaking to the bass enthusiast, the police officer noticed that the man, who they did not identify, smelled strongly of alcohol.
He failed a sobriety test and was arrested.
He was charged with operating a motorboat under the influence of alcohol, possession of 122 black sea bass, having an unregistered motorboat, displaying improper registration numbers on a motorboat, and fishing without a valid Massachusetts saltwater fishing license.
The police decided to donate all the fish to charity.
America, we barely knew ye.