November 03, 2014

Can Some Poor Loser Vote in My Place?

Hello all, it's me again, Rusty Shackleford. I blog here sometimes.

The reason I stopped blogging was that I was in the middle of a big career change and move. Many of the more devoted and long time readers know that from time to time I would post about my job that I kind of was having issues with.

The good news is that after years of trying I found a job elsewhere. The bad news is that when you're my age with the number of kids I have of the age they are that moving is not quite as easy as it was when I was younger with smaller kids. When kids get bigger they get more stuff. The other thing I didn't think through is that with each successively larger home I've been in we've successfully filled up each new square foot with more stuff.

In any event the move took a lot more time and energy than I had planned. But here I am, in my new dream home at my new dream job. You can all virtually pat me on the back now while I virtually drop to one knee, do that thing where you tap two fingers to your heart, then your lips, and then point upward in recognition of Allah's blessings.

But I find that the timing of the move was such that it's too late to vote absentee in my old state and also to late to register to vote in my new state.

And I find myself having this odd feeling. I think it might be guilt.

I say I think here because I have had nothing to feel guilty about since that my mom caught me watching scrambled porn on TV. And that might not have even been guilt, but shame. And it might not have been me, but some other guy in a movie I once saw. My memory does that sometimes.

Also, I'm like Mary Poppins inasmuch as I'm practically perfect in nearly every way. At least the coblogs around here think so. They keep calling me Mary which I'm pretty sure is in deference to my saint-like behavior.

Vinnie must really think highly of me since he uses the term nearly every day.

In any event, I feel guilty about not voting. I know, it's weird, but I'm a weird guy.

But I'm also a weird guy who believes that the most important attribute of any action is not in the intent nor in the process of the doing of that action but in the result. So while it disturbs me a bit to know that I didn't go through the action of voting myself it disturbs me more to know that my ballot hasn't (nor will be) been cast.

I'm thinking I might feel better if someone out there who isn't planning on voting voted in my place. Come on, I know at least one of you morons is planning on not voting tomorrow. You think that it doesn't matter if Harry Reid is majority leader or Mitch McConnell -- they're practically the same guy, right?

Of course, this means you're stupid. The fact that Obamacare passed by a single vote is lost on you. And that the only reason it passed was because Harry Reid suspended the rules of the Senate so that the Republicans (then, like now, still in the minority) planned to filibuster. And that when Republicans objected, Harry Reid looked into it and found himself not-guilty of violating Senate rules.

All of this is lost on you.

I'm not saying that Republican control of the Senate is going to fix our nations problems. I don't believe it will lead to a balanced budget. I don't believe it will end the immigration mess. None of those things is going to happen.

But I do know that Republican control of the Senate will mean less power for the empirically worst President in 100 years. Less power for Obama is better than the same amount of power for Obama.

I don't know why I'm trying to convince morons to vote with argumentation. I guess I just wanted you to know why I would be voting, if I was voting.

Instead, if you've already made up your mind not to vote, can you do me a favor and vote in my stead? Think of it as voting in proxy for Rusty. A favor that I'd owe back someday. I dunno, maybe I'd let Howie throw up more pics of boobies again. People who don't vote like boobies, right?

Think of it as bringing balance back to the force. You vote, I don't, the universe is in harmony once more.

Also, that chick you have the hots for? Yeah, she's your sister. Or not. Apparently my memory also confuses other people's past with random movie characters.

So, vote for Rusty! And by for here I mean in the place of rather than in the other sense of the word, ie, casting a ballot to get me elected.

By Rusty Shackleford, Ph.D. at 05:37 PM | Comments |