February 18, 2013

Colorado Democrat Suggests Using Pens Instead Of Guns For Self Defense

(Hat Tip: Gateway Pundit)

Pens and scissors. That's all that liberals think it takes to defend your life from crazed shooters.

Better get your pens now. I hear certain assault style pens will soon be banned.

UPDATE: Congress conducts study to replace military issued assault rifles with pens:

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A newly released study conducted by Congress has proven once and for all that the pen is not mightier than the sword. Over a year long period, Special Operation Forces (SOF) serving in Afghanistan were outfitted with pens as their primary weapon of engagement, instead of the standard M-4 assault rifle.

The $387 billion study was the brainchild of Senator Dianne Feinstein (D), a member of the U.S. Senate Appropriations Subcommittee on Defense.

“Military spending has spiraled out of control,” Sen. Feinstein explained to Duffel Blog reporters. “Since the pen is mightier than the sword, as the saying goes, why not equip the military with inexpensive pens? When deciding on the cost of weapons used by soldiers to defend their lives, we must keep the taxpayers welfare in mind.”

“Not only that — no one needs a military-style, semi-automatic assault rifle to hunt Taliban,” she added.

A small number of Army Special Forces and Navy SEAL teams, operating in the most hazardous areas of Afghanistan, were hand selected for the study due to their expertise in using exotic weapons.

The study initially garnered promising results.

“One positive I discovered early on was I could hide the pen in my beard,” said Mike, an Army Special Forces soldier who asked only to be identified by his first name. “I usually had five or six hidden in there. It’s not the first time my beard saved my life.”

Complaints began to surface when it was discovered military procurement officers supplied the SOF teams with equipment from the lowest contract bidder.

“We were issued worthless, plastic Bic pens” said Jake, a Navy SEAL. “We ended up dipping into our pockets and springing for Cross pens. The sturdier material allowed us to stab the carotid artery, killing an enemy outright. Usually, it resulted in a pissed off Afghan with a pen sticking out of his neck.”

The study has been deemed inconclusive due to the small number of surviving participants. Of the forty-five SOF members, only two remained to provide sufficient feedback to researchers.

Don't laugh. It could happen.

By DMartyr at 06:47 PM | Comments |