January 02, 2013

Fat Bastard Inspires Cynical Blogger

After reading Fat Bastard's Michael Moore's New Year's Resolutions, I was inspired to write my own top 10 list. Keep in mind, I hadn't made any resolutions until this post.

1.) Forget the names of the people living two doors away. While that may be easy for Fat Bastard Michael Moore who lives on a large multimillion dollar estate, in my neighborhood, two doors down is close enough for a conversation without either of us leaving our own house.

2.) Learn to eat better. I can make dinner. It's what I make that's the real problem. French fries and chicken tenders to me are like creamed filled donuts to Fat Bastard Michael Moore. And I expect him to really balloon up once he starts learning to forage for his own cupcakes when his hired cook is off duty.

3.) Buy a gun. Stroke it. Squeeze it. Hold it. Love it. Oh, wait. I have a gun. Several, in fact. And I stroked them and loved them just yesterday. I may do it again today because I want them to love me back. They may save my life one day. Buy another, just in case.

Continue below the fold.

4.) Keep supporting the troops. They have a difficult, dangerous, and sometimes crappy job, but they do it anyway so people like Fat Bastard Michael Moore can enjoy the freedom of disrespecting them. And if the troops will protect a scumbag like Fat Bastard Michael Moore, I know they'll protect someone like me. I love them.

5.) Never apologize for number 4. Armchair warriors like Fat Bastard Michael Moore can go to hell.

6.) Drink more liquor. This is going to be a long 4 years.

7.) Wear more bleak colors to reflect my pessimistic nature. Hope that Fat Bastard Michael Moore chooses "thinning" colors. Not that they'll help once he learns how to cook for himself between regular meals...

8.) Find someone - anyone - to replace the useless politicians currently ruining our country.

9.) Read more fiction, like Obama's plan for the recovery of the American economy or Fat Bastard's Michael Moore's new diet books.

10.) Start exercising and be nicer. I know, these two have been my main New Year's resolutions every year for the past three decades. I can stand to lose a few pounds, so I shouldn't really be mocking fat people like Fat Bastard Michael Moore. And if he can exercise and eat better, so can I! Plus, I could be nicer and less cynical. Maybe I'll will have a more successful life if I'm more positive. So no more fat jokes about Michael Moore or any others.

There you have it. My top 10 resolutions for 2013. If past history is an indicator, these resolutions won't last long. Maybe about a week. Or about 6 days longer than a box of Ho-Hos in Fat Bastard's Michael Moore's house.

By DMartyr at 12:58 PM | Comments |