January 11, 2007

Bekham Coming to US! Nation grows excited over man they've never heard of

Soccer superstar David Bekham is coming to the U.S. To play for my hometown team, the L.A. Galaxy. Why does this remind me of the great Pele fiasco? Sky News:

But he insisted he was not going just for the money, but to make a difference in American sport.

He already has a football school in Los Angeles.

"Soccer is huge everywhere around the world, except in America," he said.

"That's where I want to make a difference with the kids."

Then America woke up the next morning and realized that by 'soccer', the elites trying to force us to become more 'global' in our sports, weren't talking about that game where the hot chicks wail on each other. No, that's 'foxy boxing'. Soccer is that game where they run up and down the field. Occasionally, the ball goes in the net. Oh, that soccer.

If Major League Soccer was a stock, I'd buy now. For the next year or two we'll be hearing a lot about how America has 'evolved' and that this new soccer phenom 'is a sign that the Bush go-it-alone' era is finally over. Then, with nary a headline from the media, MLS will go bankrupt. About this time next year, I'd be selling short.

I'm sure that it will be explained the same way the Pele bust was: we just weren't ready for soccer. Just another way for the cosmopolitan elite to remind flyover country of their utter disdain for us.

Most Americans find soccer as exciting as baseball. But baseball is our sport. So we're willing to pretend to like it. America's favorite boring sport is a patriotic duty. But the only thing Americans love more than hating Europeans is hating their boring sports.

The upside? L.A. hotels should look forward to an increase in business. The number of paparazzi looking to get a candid upskirt of Mrs. David Bekham, Victoria "Posh Spice" (are they still together?), must be in the thousands by now. And the chance that Bekham will have an affair with Brittney Spears or Paris Hilton is near certainty. I mean, what young celeb hasn't doinked at least one of them? But after a few weeks I'm sure our domestic paparazzi will come to dominate the Bekham sighting shots.

So, welcome to America David Bekham. Enjoy your short-lived fame. But I'd cash that Galaxy check as soon as possible. And make sure they send you a roundtrip ticket.

UPDATE: Let me also add the reason why soccer can never, and I mean never, be a commercial success in the U.S. Commercials. Unlike our other boring sport, baseball, soccer has no time-outs. No in-between times like in football. Just two halves. No room for commercials. And let's face it, the real money--the kind that will cover Bekham's $180 million salary, has to come from TV. No commercials, no big TV contracts.