June 07, 2006

Heather Mills McCartney's Porn Pictures

Heather Mill's McCartney posed for a kama sutra like erotic guide to sex? You bet she did! What, you think Paul McCartney converted to Hinduism for the strict vegan diet and those groovy sitar rifts? No, it's the tantric sex, baby!

Thanks to the ever vigilant Ace for always keeping one eye out for all things nude and celebrity.

WARNING: PG-13 type lewd talk and links to Rated R photos below. These are the "censored" photos published by The Sun. The uncensored photos are more like NC-17. Proceed with caution.

The Rupert Murdoch owned Sun tabloid has printed all the steamy goodness of a nude Heather McCartney. Trust me, she's no Yoko Ono.

For her part, Heather claims it wasn't "porn", rather it was an "educational publication."

Right baby, an "educational publication" that shows you holding a pornstar's erect manhood.

Robert Page, the creator of the Lover's Guide explains this nuanced difference between porn and an erotic educational publication, “The way we do it is to show people the different positions and games they can play. But we do it in a tasteful manner — and that’s what makes it different from porn."

The way I see it, though, is that if a guy buys your erotic educational publication for the sole purpose of, well, you know, then it's probably porn. Unless, of course, by not porn you mean tasteful enough that a certain segment of wives out there will agree to watch it, or let their husbands watch it, without too much protesting.

Because, you know honey, it's not that you've let yourself go or anything and that I find your pig-like figure disgusting in bed, I bought this video for us. It's educational.

Anyway, it's porn, plain and simple.

The German book featuring Heather contained page after page of no-holds-barred images with NO WORDS.

One shot shows Heather naked and smothered in baby oil as she performs a sex act on a clearly-aroused nude male porn star.

The curly-haired man is then photographed performing an act on her with the help of a sex toy.

Nope, doesn't sound like porn to me. Then again, I'm much less experienced with porn than some of you. Maybe Professor Chaos would like to add his expert opinion to the matter? Or FARKers? It continues:

In other pictures Heather appears to act out bondage scenes with whips, handcuffs and edible underwear. She is seen smearing herself and the man with whipped cream.

Other images involve strawberries and cream — and in some snaps her nipples are covered with lipstick.

It seems the Brits can't get enough of Paul and Heather McCartney. It seems like every day I was in London a few weeks ago that they were front page news. This, on the other hand, seems more like Page 3 news.

In addition to her brief career as a not-a-porn-star, the future ex-Mrs. McCartney also may have spent some time as an escort. But I'm sure she was one of those look-but-don't touch type escorts you hear so much about, and not the other kind. You know, a whore.

The Sun has told how she was also a would-be escort girl who dated rich Arabs behind the back of first husband Alfie Karmal.

He said: “I caught her out lying over a job interview with an escort agency. Under that beautiful, caring facade was a manipulative, callous and cold woman.”

Ouch, that's gonna hurt. Perhaps all those allegations in the British tabloids that Heather Mills was just a gold-digger were true?

In any event, all this was before Mrs. McCartney was endowed with the protection of victim status. I don't think we're allowed to pick on her now that she's handicapped.

But a word of advice to her just in case this porn revelation hurts her chances of making off with Sir Paul's estate: You can always go back to being an escort, sweetie. I hear there's quite a premium on one legged whores these days.

Do you still want to see the photos? Trust me, you're better off not seeing them. You have better things to do with your life than look at nude photos of Heather Mills. It's a waste of your time. Do something productive, like write your Senator or something. Better yet, do some work. Nothing good can come of you seeing these photos.

What. You're still here? You must see the photos? Ok, go see the Sun for the photos here. From what I gather, more photos will be forthcoming. But don't say I didn't warn you.

UPDATE: As promised, the Sun publishes more "not porn" nude pics of Heather Mills here.

By Rusty Shackleford, Ph.D. at 10:38 AM | Comments |