December 09, 2005

Whiskey (Pete) Tango Foxtrot? Part Two: Transcript

I sat down and watched that RAI crockumentary (linked here if you're a masochist, or, if you are not alone, a sadist) about U.S. "atrocities" and White Phosphorus use in Fallujah, and was not especially surprised at its mendacity and uselessness. There were countless shots of bloated, burned corpses without any explanation or context, though they certainly created the impression of all the bodies being victims of American aggression. It was a documentary achievement on the order of The Clinton Chronicles, but without the sex.

Key to the film was the testimony of one Jeff Engelhardt, who I mentioned in this post because Sachi and Dafydd ab Hugh at Big Lizards had some questions about his veracity--especially because he kept slipping up with the soldier-talk and saying things like "Whiskey Pete" instead of "Willie Pete" and "chain gun missile launchers" that even a skulking neocon chickenhawk Barcalounger commando like yours truly recognized as being way off the mark.

But I've since found the unedited footage of the RAI interview of Spc. Engelhardt, and darn it, I can't quite find the link anywhere now, but I did manage to write up a transcript of the interview. Although it's long, I think you will find it quite illuminating (snicker) on the matter of Whiskey Pete.

If you haven't watched the RAI insurgent propaganda/documentary yet, and you're not missing much, it will help as you read this to picture Engelhardt as a younger version of Jeff Bridges' Jeff "the Dude" Lebowski character.

RAI: You were a Cavalry Scout. What were your positions within your unit?

JE: Well, I did participate in combat operations, slashing at civilians and schoolchildren with sabers as we "tooted" our bugles—which is, that’s the lingo, see, for a kind of military trumpet—but at first I was just feeding the horses.

RAI: Ah, I see. Which Cavalry unit were you with again?

JE: The…It was the 909th Regimental Motorized Brigade. Of the storied Fighting 11th Montagnard Corps.

RAI: Can you be more specific, just so we can establish your…

JE: Right. Um, right. See, I was in this special company called the…um…Penis…the Penis Dogs.

RAI: Scoozi?


RAI: And your friends among the, er, Penis Dogs? Were they also opposed to the war?

JE: Dude. I’m glad you asked that question, my fine Italian friend. Yes, my friends in the Penis Dogs all opposed the unjust war on the Iraqi people and the wily minutemen insurgents. There was Ice Cream Soldier, and the colder it got the hotter he would fight, and he was absolutely disgusted by these things we did, as were my other Penis Dog buddies, um, Little Sure Shot, Worry Wart, Bulldozer…

RAI: Just like in the Sergeant Rock comic book, si?

JE: We were very big fans, yeah. And Private Joker, Animal Mother…Chekov, Sulu…Donner, Blitzen…

RAI: Do they have real names?

JE: Listen, Dude, if you think I’m going to expose them to the Neocon smear machine, you’re crazy. I’ll never sell out my fellow Penis Dogs. As far as I’m concerned Bush already did that.

RAI: So let’s talk about Fallujah. You fought the battle of…why are you shaking your head?

JE: Umm…spasm. What was that question?

RAI: Okay, you say you witnessed the battle of OW!

JE: Spasm.

RAI: My shin!

JE: I have the, uh, Post-Dramatic Stress Disorder. I see these phantom Iraqi minutemen guerrillas sometimes and my body just reacts like the finely-tuned killing machine it has become.

RAI: So you were in Al Anbar Province at the time of…Ow. You were stationed in Iraq at the OOF, um…you are…familiar with the damage inflicted during the Operation Al-Fajr?

JE: Now we’re talking.

RAI: Tell us about the battle of Fallujah.

JE: It was terrible. Thousands of dead. Almost all of them civilians.

RAI: Well, the Iraqi army was fighting on the side of the American Army, so logically most of the insurgent casualties would be…OW! Stop that.

JE: Things you say keep giving me these flashbacks.

RAI: Tell us about the White Phosphorus.

JE: Well, we were sitting in our H2 Hummer, which is a military vehicle, and we could hear general orders come over the, you know, the “intercom” inside the Hummer jeep tank thing. And the order would come over the radio, like, “Breaker one-niner, this here’s Russell the Love Muscle, you got your ears on, we’re gonna drop ‘Word Perfect’ at such and such coordinates, come back.”

RAI: ‘Word Perfect’?

JE: See, that’s the lingo. The nomenclature. We sometimes call WP “Word Perfect”, or “Walrus Pepperoni”.

RAI: Ah. Thank you for explaining these technical terms.

JE: And they would respond with the call sign “Ten-four, good buddy, this here’s the Bandit and I’ve got Smokey on my tail and a Bear in the Air outside of Alamo City, Eighty-eights around the house.” Then you would see these helicopters start raining down ‘Winky-Pooter’, as we sometimes call it…

RAI: What kind of helicopter?

JE: That would be the, the, the big Lockheed AH-3 Mohican.

RAI: I’m not familiar with…

JE: Because it’s top secret. If you were familiar with it, you’d be dead. Anyway, the ‘Wassail Punch’ would impact and convert to this aerosol plasma that would burn through metal and skin but leave clothing untouched. It’s smart like that, like a smart plasma. Kind of like the neutron bomb, you know, which we may also have used, except with clothes instead of buildings. Lethal within eight “klucks”, as we military people say, or about a hundred and fifty meters.

RAI: One hundred fifty meters? That’s extraordinary! That’s like a whole city block at a time. It’s a wonder the entire city wasn’t completely burned to the ground in a Dresden-like firestorm.

JE: That’s exactly what happened. Total destruction.

RAI: If the U.S. was willing to use weapons that were so indiscriminate, it’s really odd that Marines were even sent inside the city at all, without protection. It seems unnecessary.

JE: I’m seeing those insurgents again....

RAI: So the U.S. placed the Marines at risk of this horrendous inferno chemical because…

JE: AIEE! They’re all around me—look out!

RAI: Missed me. (thud) Ow! Er…Is WP a chemical weapon?

JE: I say to you beyond a shadow of a doubt, “Wonkette’s Panties” are a tremendously atrocious chemical weapon. No question.

RAI: And yet the U.S. used them on civilians.

JE: Especially on civilians.

RAI: Did the U.S. use napalm?

JE: Napalm…umm, yeah, sure, Dude. As far as I know. I think we used, like, barrels of the stuff. Strung ‘em up disguised as pinatas, waiting for the children of Fallujah to whack them in the naive hope of candy spilling out.

RAI: This is unbelievable!

JE: And that’s not all. We also heard orders about employing “Pesky Sherpa” which was an orbitally-based electromagnetic female circumcision weapon that would commit FGM on the female population over an area of six parsecs, right through clothing. Even a lead diaphragm couldn’t stop it.

RAI: Why? Why would such an awful weapon be employed?

JE: That’s what I’m trying to tell you. It just doesn’t make sense. None of it does.

RAI: But why even develop such a bizarre weapon?

JE: One word? Halliburton.

RAI: Were you ever involved at shooting at civilians?

JE: Often, yes, we would just light up buses full of retarded kids, on their way to special-ed classes, with our fearsome M2 .50 Caliber machine gun, or as we referred to it, “Il Duce”…

RAI: That was actually Mussolini’s nickname.

JE: …which, which just goes to show far Fascism has infiltrated America’s culture. Sometimes Il Duce, or if they were praying nuns we sometimes we would use our “chain gun missile launchers”, or our “automatic gatling flamethrowers”...

RAI: What kind of nuns were these?

JE: Don't interrupt me, man. They were, like, Muslim nuns. For destroying maternity wards, we often used the “armor-piercing phaser rocket bayonets”. It just depended on the whim of the CO—that’s the “Controlling Officer”—that day.

RAI: I’ve never even heard of some of those weapons.

JE: There’s a lot going on in Iraq you haven’t heard of, my friend. A lot. We’re just scratching the surface here today.

RAI: How about journalists? Were you ever ordered to attack journalists?

JE: Well, I never personally shot a reporter. But my fellow Penis Dogs, Flint and Lady Jay, would talk about how sometimes artillery missions would come through, over the radio inside the At-At Scout Walker, and order our 296-millimeter howitzers to drop an “Arch Deluxe” on an Al-Jazeera van.

RAI: Arch Deluxe?

JE: Heat-seeking Nitric-Acid Enema rounds. Horrific. They said it sounded like Rumsfeld’s voice, by the way. On the radio.

RAI: There are rumors of American troops defacing mosques, painting crosses, etc. And in fact, we have obtained some footage of some Arabs pointing at black spray-painted crosses in some room somewhere, and looking upset.

JE: I have heard those rumors. Everybody has. There was…a lot of frustration among American troops. I never desecrated a mosque, and I don’t know anybody who did, but we all knew it was going on. These things are seared, seared in my memory.

RAI: Some examples?

JE: There was this story about this one guy who, like, took a dump on a Koran in Sadr City. I think his name was Joe. And then there was the one about the Blackwater contractor named Yoav Epstein who sodomized a pig way up in the, uh, minaret of the 14th of Ramadan Mosque in Baghdad--which is the capital of Iraq--and then threw the swine down so its unclean blood and filthy Jew secretions splashed on the tiles in a six-pointed star pattern and killed the Imam.

RAI: That's awful! What was his name?

JE: Huh? I think it was Porky.

RAI: The Imam's name was Porky?

JE: The pig. The pig's name was Porky. I didn't catch the Imam's name.

RAI: And these are…these are rumors commonly believed among American troops, or these are insurgent propaganda?

JE: These are rumors in Iraq, yes.

RAI: I don't think we can, you know, use all of this.

JE: Well, you should. You should, because this goes on every day in Bush's Iraq. They're retrofitting the KY-10 Velociraptors with saddlebags full of pigs packed with Jew-spawn and dropping dozens of them into mosques over there. I hear it on the radio.

They call it "Wilbur Pancake."

RAI: Things sound really awful in Iraq.

JE: You truly have no idea.

RAI: Specialist Jeff Engelhardt, thank you very much for speaking with RAI.

JE: Arrivederci, dude. PENIS DOGS RULE THE NIGHT!

By See-Dubya at 08:06 PM | Comments |