September 30, 2005

SHOCK: Judge Luttig to undergo Gender Reassignment

SICK: LITHWICK-- “PICK CHICK�; LUTTIG QUICK TO NIX…MANHOOD
Court Watcher Exclusive—Must Credit JAWA REPORT

The Jawa Report has learned that conservative Fourth Circuit Judge J. Michael Luttig is to undergo emergency gender-reassignment surgery at a Swedish hospital. The move fuels speculation that President Bush will nominate Luttig to the Supreme Court.

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An administration insider told THE JAWA REPORT, “There’s a lot of pressure on us to ‘pick a chick’ for O’Connor’s spot. And it looks like Luttig really wants the job. The President has a reputation for rewarding loyalty, and I’m certain that he will look favorably on a man so dedicated to the legal profession, he’s willing to sacrifice his own tallywhacker.�

When asked whether, surely, there had been some mistake, Judge Luttig told this reporter, “It’s Desiree, actually, not Shirley. I get that a lot.�

Judge Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who recently said “I would not like to be the only woman on the court,� refused to comment.

Reaction on the Senate Judiciary Committee was mixed. Senator Diane Feinstein (D-Ca) told THE JAWA REPORT that she voted against John Roberts’ confirmation as Chief Justice because he failed to speak to her “as a son, a husband, and a father�. She added “I don’t see how Judge Luttig can manage to do any of that after his surgery.�

Senator Edward Kennedy (D-Ma) was also concerned about the procedure: “So, errr, ah, the judge’s physique would be, ahhh, in all respects, ahh, female? Well,um,urr,ah, would these be physically, um, attractive characteristics? Because I’m not just going to take the Bush administration’s ayerrrrrh word for this. The people have a right to know.�

Not to be outdone by Luttig, other potential nominees have been making subtle moves behind the scenes to make themselves attractive to Senatorial notions of judicial tokenism. University of Utah Law Professor Michael McConnell announced today that he is “gayer than a rock opera.� Meanwhile Texas Supreme Court Judge Priscilla Owen is reported to have scheduled an appointment with a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon to have her skin chemically darkened. “Dayam, boo,� she told the JAWA REPORT, “Why you got to be all up in my Kool-Aid about dat?�

“So that’s their little game, is it?� mused California Supreme Court Justice, and potential Bush nominee, Janice Rogers-Brown. “Well, I got some news for you. Me and a female friend are going to marry that Six Flags Dude. How you like them apples?�