August 09, 2005

Beautiful Dreamer

OK, so he's not beautiful. In fact, Hugo Chavez is most likely one of the ugliest humans I've ever seen. But he most certainly is having dreams of grandeur. Or smoking one heck of a lot of crack. In a speech to thousands of students (does anyone ever speek to anyone besides students?), Chavez says that if the US decides to invade Venezula, they will be defeated. He then goes on to admit that he doesn't have any evidence that the US is going to invade, but that we have never given up on the dream of invading Venezula or Cuba.

Now, Hugo, I hate to burst your bubble and pull you so rudely out of your happy place, but I feel that it is my civic duty to inform you of a few facts.

1. If the US wanted to invade Cuba, it would now be the 52d state (we'd have to do something to keep Puerto Rico from getting jealous). And nothing that you, Castro or Russia could do could stop us. It's always been this way and will always continue to be this way. Oh, and the Bay of Pigs wasn't an invasion. It was a clusterf*ck.

2. In case you haven't noticed, the United States has the most powerful standing army in the world today. Remember the fact that nobody had ever successfully invaded Afghanastan? We did. Remember Iraq? The Republican Guard never stood a chance. So I don't know what makes you think you'd fare any better. What are you going to do, throw coffee beans at us?

Chavez then goes on with his inane blatherings.

Chavez called the United States the "most savage, cruel and murderous empire that has existed in the history of the world."

The Venezuelan leader said "socialism is the only path," and told the students the collective goal is to "save a world threatened by the voracity of U.S. imperialism."

Yes, yes. We're the Evil Empire. That's why our poorest people are richer than most countries richest. Sure. Capitalism doesn't work. My dream is shattered. I'm going to leave my high-paying job now and drive my nice car home and park it in my two-car garage. I'll go in and turn off our 54" screen TV and tell my kids to get off their two computers so that I can tell them how bad capitalism is. And as we have steak and potatoes for dinner, we'll mourn the fact that our system doesn't work.