June 28, 2005

Scientists piss off PETA by reanimating dead dogs

Some scientists have discovered a way to re-animate dead dogs.

They drain the dogs of all their blood, preserve all their organs, and then bring them back to life by putting their blood back in their veins.

Supposedly the goal of these scientists is to save the lives of crime and war victims.

Needless to say, PETA is outraged.

In the unsettling tests, dogs of all breeds and sizes are put under, their veins drained of blood and filled with an ice-cold salt solution which drops their body temperature from a normal 101 degrees to near freezing. That puts them in a state of extreme hypothermia, making them scientifically dead — with no breathing, heartbeat or brain activity. But their tissues and vital organs are preserved.

The corpses are then brought back to life by returning the blood to their bodies, giving them pure oxygen and applying electric shocks to restart their hearts.

For a long time, the test subjects couldn't be brought back to life after more than two hours. But recently, the researchers added glucose and more oxygen to the blood and have pushed the maximum time the dogs can be dead to three hours.

"We've tried to get it to four hours, but we just haven't been able to do it," Kochanek told The Post.

The lucky ones turn out to be perfectly normal with no brain damage — although other dogs are stricken with serious physical or behavioral problems.

"We do not in any way say that every outcome is normal," Kochanek said.

He said his goal is to be able to put humans, such as critically wounded soldiers or stabbing or shooting victims, in a state of suspended animation for a few hours until they can receive proper medical help.

And his team is now in talks with hospitals about starting trials for trauma patients.

Interesting.

I did some research of my own, and sent my very own highly reliable and anonymous source to the press conference:

"Uh yes, you in the back" "Dr. Kochanek, is it true that you are secretly creating a race of zombie dogs fit for a Stephen King novel?" "Well, frankly, yes, son, that's exactly what we're doing here. We haven't discussed things with Mr. King yet, but we think the deal will work out. And if he doesn't want to pay us for book rights for this material, we will sic a pack of zombie dogs on him."

Stephen King was unavailable for comment
due to being underneath a pack of zombie dogs.