May 25, 2005
Trying to Start a Riot (updated)
Somebody issue a fatwa. Fast.*
I ran out of toilet paper this morning so I used what was available next to the can: A copy of the Koran.
Specifically pgs. 137-138 of Arthur J. Arberry's 1955 The Koran Interpreted. The part where Allah condemns the J-O-Os. Then I got the last few dingleberries off using pg. 139-140 where it says, "They are unbelievers who say, 'God is the Messiah, Mary's son," and where it says, "They are unbelievers who say, 'God is the Third of Three....If they refrain not from what they say, there shall afflict those of them that disbelieve with a painful chastisement."
The problems with wiping your ass with an old copy of the Koran are manifold. For instance, the shit doesn't really cling to the pages in the same way as it does to your every day TP. So you have to wipe like twice as many times. This leaves severe Quran induced ass rash and doesn't leave you feeling quite as fresh as you'd like. Ouch.
Then there's the flushing problem. Do not attempt to flush more than one page of shit-stained Quran down the toliet at once. Trust me.
Stay tuned. This whole thing will culminate with lighting the Koran on fire, and seeing if pissing on it will put it out. If not, I may have to put the whole thing in toilet. Safety first, that's my motto.
I'll fire up the old digital cam if you don't believe me. The first ever photoblogging to start a riot!
Also, if you live in Italy, please send this to the fascist state prosecutor for the city of Bergamo, Armando Grasso.
RELATED from Goldstein who's a lot less offensive.
UPDATE: Wait, so are you saying there were no riots after all? A fake story leads to fake deaths? I feel so disillusioned.
*An experiment in tolerance.