April 18, 2005

The Ann Coulter Beaver Shot

So Ann Coulter's Time magazine photo is all the controversy. So I FINALLY find the pic every one is talking about, but I have to scroll up to see it.

First, the feet:

ann_coulter_feet.jpg

Good Lord!! Do those belong to the Wicked Witch of the West or What? I'll grant that Coulter has big feet, but come-on! Either Coulter and Shaq where the same shoe size or these photos are seriously distorted.

Anyway, as I said, I'm scrolling up to see the photos. Next come the ankles and shins:

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ann_coulter_legs.jpg

Ahh, much better. You know, without the feet those legs are looking...hmm, what is the word, I'm looking for??...pretyy damn nice. Yeah, I know, still distorted, but I like long legs! Hot...hot...conservative long legs. Ok, am I being unethical with all this? I think not.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, right about this point I'm saying to myself--because I have only heard there was some sort of photo controversy but not what it's about--that if you just go a little north of shin territory you hit kneecap land and depending on the angle of the camera....Could it be? No way! Is the forbidden beaver shot next? Is this the next oops shot of the century? A Brittney Spears at the Oscars, only for right-wing geeks? Hey, Ann Coulter, what's on your iPod?

Here it is...............

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ann_coulter_beaver.jpg

Denied!! Freaking pervs. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves....

Anyway, I wouldn't have given it a second look had it actually been the money shot. A first look, yes...but not a second one. Hey, Rusty is a gentleman if nothing else!! And I find a demure chick more sexy than a slutty one any day.

Anyway, it just kinda goes downhill from there. The face shot is pretty bad. Coulter is a wee bit on the thin side anyway, but that photo is eerily scare-crowish!

ann_coulter_face.jpg

I agree with John Hawkins that Ann is still pretty hot.

But this is the real sultry shot. The shot that says, "Yeah I've made out with all the top conservative writers like Dinesh D'Souza. Jealous?" YES!

You think she's ready to move from dating print writers to, say, bloggers? Just asking. Jeez!

coulter_face.jpg

And that quote!! The quote just exudes sexuality. There's nothing sexier than a blonde pontificating on the merits of thermonuclear war!! I'm serious. This is not a joke.

Anyway, Plains Feeder runs the photo through some fancy thingy or another to come up with a much more flattering photo here.

Kevin Aylward has a real candid shot of Ann that's pretty flattering.

But before you decide to give me a ring, Ann, you should know I'm happily married to my wife of 12 years, Nancy. But you cold do me a little favor. How about teaching her some of those dirty-dirty words? You know like, "send in the national guard" (yeah baby) or "liberals are either traitors or idiots" (that's what I like to hear) or "it would be fun to nuke them" (that's right) or my favorite and the all time sexiest sentence ever to come from your lips, "We need to execute people like John Walker Lindh in order to physically intimidate liberals." (yowza!!)

Excuse me. I suddenly feel the urge to break out the candles, some exotic oils, and that copy of The Day After that just sets the mood just right.

If you came looking for the Ann Coulter beaver shot you should be ashamed of yourself. But aren't the quotes much much dirtier?

By Rusty Shackleford, Ph.D. at 09:42 PM | Comments |