December 10, 2004

VH1 Reinforces My Homophobia


Back in high school I used to worry that gay people were all around me. Especially worrisome was the dreaded locker room change. No, I wasn't worried that some Senior would make fun of me--Rusty packs some serious heat--I was worried that the gays were checking out my junk. It turns out, they were!!

I was watching VH1's My Coolest Years: In the Closet episode when they started rapping about what it was like to be gay and in gym class. All of the guys agreed: On the one hand being gay sucked because gays were all scrawny and unathletic, but on the other hand being gay also ruled because they got to check out all the hot guys undressing in the locker room!

As one of the gay commentators noted (and I'm paraphrasing): I was the first one in the shower and the last one out!

And in the words of another (also paraphrasing): I didn't have to rent porn. I was surrounded by dick. Dick everywhere I looked!! (yes, he used the word dick)

One mentioned that after the locker room he would go home and flog the monkey!!

So, the moral of the story seems to be this: Teenage boys beware!! Gays are just like you--like they tell you in all your PC classes. But what are you like you freaking little horndogs? Oh, and girls, just remember this when you get that creepy feeling that some guy is totally checking your bits and pieces out: they really are. And the next time you think some guy is oogling you be comforted in the fact that you're not alone because occasionally we get oogled too!

One of my biggest dreams as a teenager was to re-enact that scene from Porky's. You know the one. Now to my horror I learn that all the gays got to do just that.

So as GLAD/ACT UP! tries to do away with the Don't Ask/Don't Tell policy remember this--do you want your fellow soldiers checking out your junk in the shower?

And as the ACLU pushes to integrate gay leaders into the Boy Scouts of America remember that there is a reason we call sex with a teenage minor statutory rape and that Boy Scouts are not children but adolecent boys (12-18). Would you trust a 25 year old man to take your 14 year old daughter camping for a week? Well you shouldn't you naive idiot.

So, thank you VH1 for making clear what all of us who don't buy the PC bullshit about homosexuality. Gays are just like the rest of the male species. Oh, except for the fact that they want to, you know, have sex with other guys.

Linked with Joyner. Now does that sound gay or what? Also, this post is a shoe in for next week's Bonfire.

PS: (Probably of no interest to most readers) Speaking of gay....Bill at INDC (who is still not gay despite all the rumors) must have a part time gig at the Village Voice because in true ACT UP! fashion he outs Steve and Rob. Jawa sources indicate that Rob has filed a sexual harassment suit against Steve and has quit his post as Gov. Steve's Sec. of Homeland Securtiy for Llama-land. Steve is expected to hold a press conference tomorrow where he confirms that, yes, he had an affair with Rob--but, no, it was consensual. Colossus blog has another version of the story.

Paranthetically, I never showered with Llama but there was this one dude who would make this weird orgle sound in the locker. Kind of creepy thinking back.

By Rusty Shackleford, Ph.D. at 02:34 PM | Comments |