November 11, 2004

Palestinian Leader AIDS

***Exclusive to The Jawa Report***

Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat Is Dead, Several independent sources confirmed to the Jawa Report. Arafat's Inexplicably Diagnosed Syndrome is said to have caused a massive shut down of his entire immune system. Mrs. Arafat Is Doing Solace in her chic Paris home, but would not comment on whether or not Arafat's Illness Did Sew contention and confusion in the ranks of the PLO leadership.

Asked If Dozens of Infidels Saw the corpse, France's top military physician would not comment. His Immediate Version of the story was a simple statement, "Mr Yasser Arafat, president of the Palestinian Authority, has died at Percy military hospital at Clamart on November 11 at 3:30 am (0800 IST)"

The AFP reported that Arafat's illness was somehow related to a low blood platelet count, something insiders call "Anemic Intravenus Dilated Sucrosis", possibly a complication of His Intensive Very sad days of exile.

Articles In Daily Serials abound as to the mystery surrounding his death. Arafat was rarely seen with his wife in recent years and was constantly surrounded by young men, adding to the speculation that Arafat Indeed Did So for fear of Israeli retaliation. One young man who was constantly by Arafat's side confided to the Jawa Report that He Is Very grateful for all the affection given him by the PLO leader.

"His Infectous Very seductive smile made me proud to be a Palestinian," said another lad who claimed to be one Arafat's many supple young bodyguards.

Meanwhile, the PLO leadership is in chaos over Mrs. Arafat's Highly Intense and Volatile state. "The Palestinian leader Arafat Is Done Syphoning off millions from the needs of the Palestinian people," say some PA insiders.

The reaction in the world was mixed. Arabs Issued Death Sentences to all Highly Irritating, Very mean pajama pundits who celebrated Arafat's passing. Except for a few right-wing hate-mongers, the whole world seemed to mourn. Oh, and Jews (alternatively spelled J-O-O-S). Analysts Immediately Declared Several days would be needed to assess the situation on the West Bank.

The French, As Is Doubtlessly Sure, were in great mourning over the loss of the great anti-Semite. The German Chancellor Has Intentional Vagueness in his statements. Other world leaders also mourned Arafat's Improbably Demise, Saying in a joint statement, "We mourn this loss for the Palestinian people, and Arafat was not gay. Definitely. At least, not all the way." The leaders were responding to speculation in the Israeli press that the skeletons in his closet were more than the bodies of dead Jewish children.

Meanwhile, the Palestinian Authority named Rauhi Fattouh as successor to Arafat, Interim, Declaring Said man would serve for at least 60 days. "He Is Very eager to begin doing to the Palestinian people what Arafat did to the many teenage boys he used as bodyguards" said one PA insider.

While the PA sought to downplay the transitional period as one of peace and calm, "Suicide bombers, as young as three, have begun to line up to kill Arafat's Infidel Doctors," Said one source who believed that the PA leader's illness was a Zionist plot. Most of the world, though, discounts this Highly Irrational Version of why Arafat died. Although one prominent American author, now living in Paris, claims that "Arafat was shot down by a US missile. I have conclusive evidence."

"Hysteria is Very alive," said on high-ranking State Department official in an off the record interview with the Jawa Report. "The chances are, that Arafat's Immediate Demise Signals an openning for peace." However, a top CIA analyst, who also wished to remain anonymous claims that the news would mean a "Hiatus In Violence, at least in the near-term, but Arafat's death would probably have no impact on the overall prospects for a long-term solution to the Palestinian question."

Another Interesting and Disturbing Side-effect of Arafat's Impromptu Death Seems to be whether or not the Palestinian people themselves are willing to admit that the intifada has been a failure.

The majority of people polled by the Jawa Report said that "Arafat Is Dead, So what?" Or, as one popular pundit opined, "Good riddance to bad rubbish."

By Rusty Shackleford, Ph.D. at 09:29 AM | Comments |