August 31, 2004

Bonfire of the Vanities 61: I Love the '80s Edition

This week's Bonfire of the Vanities asks the blogosphere: Where were you in 1987? Forget the worst of the worst for the past week, this week's Bonfire spotlights the worst of the worst from 1987! A bad year in a bad decade.

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Ahhhhhhh 1987, I remember it well. A young Teddy Kaczynski, inspired by Porky's III: Porky's Revenge pulls another one of his classic pranks. John "Ivan the Terrible" Demjanjuk got suspended for that whole holocaust hazing thing. And while the Tower Commission was busy fretting over Iran Contra, the nation's prayers were with President Reagan's prostate. We were pulling for you Ronnie!

War Heros of the 1980s.Rambo? Yeah, we'll give him credit where credit is due. He served in Vietnam, and for this he deserves our utmost respect and admiriation, but come on, you're telling me he spent Christmas 1968 in Cambodia? And those Purple Hearts? Half of those wounds were from Washington State Troopers, and therefore don't even qualify! And that Vice President we had back in the 80s. Sure, he was the youngest pilot in WWII, but that didn't stop Sid Blumenthal from questioning his record either. And Paulie should know, cause way back when he was there man. I mean, he actually shook the guys hand. Bush's, not Rambo's. And remember the 80s when Ratt refered to a band and not to a certain scumbag mullah in Iraq fighting against our real American Heros, GI Joe? Well, Incite tests your knowlege of appropriate scavenger that best describes al Sadr. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. Bitchin!

The Cold War.Back in the 80s we had this little thing called The Cold War. You may remember it from such memorable experiences as the Invasion of Grenada or the Olympic Boycott. And who can forget when Ted Turner officially ended the hostility between the Soviet Union and America by sponsoring the Goodwill Games? Of course, not everyone was as enthusiastic as Mr. Jane Fonda when it came to ending the Cold War. In January of 1987, Ronald Reagen challenged Gorbachev to tear down the Berlin Wall. Little did he know that Gorbi was really the anti-Christ! Of course, had Uncle Ronnie been watching more PTL Club and less Cosby he would have know this. And speaking of the PTL Club, I think Norman must have gotten his fair share of Jimmy Swaggert in 1987. How else would he be so familiar with the terms hypocrisy, fraud, and slander? Like, totally hypocritical dude!

1987 High School Yearbook.----
Dear Flea, I'm so glad to have gotten to know you this year in Coach Allen's history class. That tape you mixed for me was rad. That Cure band was, like, great--if not a little wierd. It's totally different than the Wham album I usually listen to (can you believe that hunky George Michael left the band?). I'm sorry I haven't called you back since the midterm, but you know, I have my friends, and you have---well, you have that one guy you play D&D with. Thanks for helping me with my homework and that special night we spent studying together. I'll never forget it. Please don't tell any of my friends what we did that night. That will be between you, me, the fifty bucks you slipped me, and my diary. You understand, I have reputation to uphold.

Hugs and kisses,
Jess Cutler

Rad Collectibles. What would the 80s be without Cabbage Patch Kids? I had one. And not one of those gay ones. Mine had a masculine football theme going on. What could be more not-gay than a 14 year old kid carrying around a doll wearing a William "the Fridge" Perry Bear's uniform? There is absolutely no homoerotic imagery to one guy admiring another guy so much that he carries a doll around as an homage! I am not gay, dad! I like football. All those guys in those tight, tight, uniforms.....No, I don't need to see a shrink. How about getting me a Pepsi? All I want is a Pepsi....Whoa. Sorry. Flashback. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Cabbage patch dolls. Kinayda on this bizarre couple who raised a Cabbage Patch kid as one of their own. I wish this was a joke. It's not. And as long as we're on the subject, what was so wrong with Teddy Bears that the 80s had to go all doll crazy anyways? See, that's what I like about the new millenium--Teddy Bears are enough, damnit! How do I know? Well Andrew has sold all his Teddy Bears out, but you might want to rush and order one of his bands thongs before they're all gone. Gag me with a spoon!

Totally Rad Movies Sure, the whole world remember 1987 as the year Oscar Arias Sánchez received the Nobel Peace Prize. And every third grader is required to know the date Rudolph Hess finally realized his life-long dream of brokering peace between Stalin and Hitler from a safe location in Hell, but let's not forget the movies! Oh, remember the movies. Years from now, cino-archaeologists will recall 1987 as the Year of the Corys. For it was that year that Corey Haim and Corey Feldman made the classic Lost Boys--which introduced us to the phenomenon of homo-erotic-pedophelic-coked-up-vampire-chic. Boy, those were the days! They were also the days when a double-feature starring the Coreys went for 5 pongos, a price the starstruck Susie could readily afford. Awesome!

1980s Alcohol. Most people remember the 80s as the decade of excess, but not me. I remember it as the decade of Xs. INXS taught me there was more to the land down-under than toilets that flushed the wrong way and Olivia Newton John in leg-warmers. My first X rated movie. And my first swig of alcohol, Dos Equis beer down on Mission Bay, San Diego. Oh, and while I'm thinking about it, back in the 80s all music beamed from Southern Cal was outsourced to Tijuana. And no, back then we wouldn't let any of this leftist trash on the air. What happened to you, oh beloved San Diego, that you would let Air America ruin your grand vistas? The American Mind has the scoop. But what other alcohol was big in the 80s? You'd think the big hair decade would give us big booze, right? Nope. The 80s were actually the decade that made it ok to be a girl-drink drunk. There's nothing that says cool better than sipping a Bartles and Jaymes while watching Who's the Boss. Had the internet been around then, I think That 1 Guy's advice might be well taken. Just remember, back in 1987 Alyssa Milano was still jailbait---and a Bartles and Jaymes buzz is no excuse in court. Radical!

Eddie Murphy, Superstar. Not content with a platinum album produced by Rick James (bitch), Eddie Murphy took on the Hollywood establishment with Beverly Hills Cop II. Winner of the Sundance Film Festival, this heartwarming film continues the story of the love that dare not speak it's name between Axil Foley (Eddie Murphy) and Det. William 'Billy' Rosewood (Judge Reinhold). Winner of five Golden Globes and an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress (Brigitte Nelson), the film explores the existential meaning of class, power, and love in an age of oppression. The film has been called 'Kafkaesque' and is said to be the last film viewed by Andy Warhol before his tragic and untimely death later in the year. Much like this greeting card in Brian's post, it's the understated subtly of the humor presented therein that is the true mark of this film's genius. As long as we're on Eddie Murphy, can we all just admit right here and now that he may be the greatest actor of our generation? And it all started with Gumby on SNL. That reminds me, had SNL used their 'Fun with Real Audio' segments in the 1980's, they probably would have sounded something like Aaron's post.Brilliant!

Babes of 1987.The 80s were the big hair decade. As a matter of fact, it was the 80s that saw the first wave of metrosexuals. Come on, you're telling me Poison, Ratt, and those Nelson dudes weren't just a little bit too pretty for comfort? There is a direct correlation between gay chic in the new millenia and teenage boy sexual confusion because of the glam-rock bands of the 80s. Those teenagers are all grown up and working for Act Up! The 80s also gave us scandal babes Jessica Hahn, Donna Rice, and the star of the popular Proctor & Gamble produced daytime soap opera, Iran/Contra, Fawn Hall (pictured). But let's take a moment and compare the three biggest sex symbols of 1987. Yeah, Fawn Hall was the hottest, but you have to give credit where credit is due: Jessica Hahn's D cups were mahvelous...absolutely mahvelous. Spirit Fingers might recommend a set of silicone bra implants for Fawn to level the playing field with Jessica. I think the word to describe Donna is 'titpaved', or at least it is if Mad Anthony gets his way. Like, "Fawn Hall is hot, but that Donna Rice is totally titpaved, dude!" Speaking of hot makes me think of my first case of crabs--and no, contrary to the advice given in The Last American Virgin, you cannot drown crabs. Why, because according to Classical Values some crabs such as Coenobita clypeatus can use their gills as lungs. Instead, try Oprah Winfrey's personal butt itch cream. Interested Participant has been using it for years! Dorkwad!

By Rusty Shackleford, Ph.D. at 10:00 AM | Comments |